End of the gambling line...

Hey Marcella.
Thanks for your comment. I love your posts; they are so real and always touch me.
I screwed up again for the past 3 days. Left myself nearly broke. Have £30 to do me for 9 days. Food is in and bills paid, so I'm actually glad I have no spare cash. I finally signed myself out of the last casino. I was seeing it as my sanctuary, not realising it was a prison. I feel strange and relieved and anxious all at once. So, Wed 30th Jan 2019 is another new start. I want it to be the final one because that will mean I have taken the opportunity to be gamble-free.

Hi JB it is a life long struggle and always will be. Iv'e been where you are and am them again now too. With all the instant lies without thinking, not giving it all a second thought and stealing amongst other things. That one day at a time saying does help at times if you do focus it on one day a time as iv'e learnt through numerous different things. We all wish that we weren't addidcted to gambling but it's that ease of being addidcted to it so quickly that then spirals out of control quicker than anything too. Just need to start over all again and get it right this time add another barrier if that's what it takes too or try something different if you haven't had counselling before maybe try that or reading a gambling addiction book too. We're all here for that one purpose to stop this hideous addiction which has grasped so many of us over the years and just keeps getting more and more too. Keep in touch and try to beat this.

Hi Strollers5.
Thank you for your comment. I have been sick all last night and today. Could be a bug, but I think it was the stress of everything finally crashing down around me. I have been in bed all day, so had lots of time to think.
I realise I miscounted my money and I have way less than I thought. I put a tenner in the car and have 2 quid left until Friday. I owe 140 on Friday because I borrowed it to gamble this week which of course I lost. So on Friday, I will have 10 to last me a week. I'll have to ask my mum for so money on Tuesday for diesel and food. I brought this on myself, but it is my family that feel the effects. No matter what it takes, I will never put myself or my daughter in this position again where I am worrying about where the next meal is coming from. I am so so ashamed of myself and have can't believe I have sunk to such a low level where all I thought about was gambling and not about how I was leaving my child without. I'm a disgrace and a failure as a mother who is meant to provide for her child, not take the food from her mouth.

Your not a failure as a mother JB. It's this awful addiction which gets the best of us all and we simply don't think about anything or anyone until it's too late. I like you too had been borrowing money off family members, friends and whoever else i could stinge from and too like you lost it all. I have been thinking the same too about how iv'e been letting my partner and family have the massive effects on them. And likewise am determined to never let this get the better of me ever again but we do just take it a day at a time or however you want to do it a hour at a time or even minute by minute. We all get into these situations where we didn't know we were capable of and i have done some awful things in the past to fund this terrible addiction but what i need to learn is that gambling has beat me and that i'm never going to beat it.

Big urge to gamble today. My tummy is jumping at the thought of it; a mixture of anxiety and anticipation at playing. Tuesday is money day, and normally I would be at the poker machines from 11am. But, I am not going. I am distracting myself with this forum and reading a new book. I know the urge will pass, its just keeping calm until it does.
Today I will not gamble.

So last night I spent about 7 hours doing a class project with my daughter. It was great fun. Normally I would have been at the pokers, lying to my family about where I was. Instead, I was at home spending a great night making memories. This morning after I dropped the wee one and her project to school, I spent time with my mum before taking the dogs out to the yard with my ex (who is my best friend) and the main one helping me through this difficult time. We put my horse out and spent time with him before going on a long walk with the doggos. Home now for an hour to relax before school run. Normally I would be at the pokers leaving it to the last moment to get to school and usually ending up being late or phoning to put her into afterschool for an extra hour just so I could keep playing. I get money tmrw, but once I pay out bills and debt, I will have enough for food and bedding for the horse and a few treats for the wee one. Playdate after school every Friday with her bestie. Usually I would be itching to leave to get to the amusements, usually borrowing £20 from my other best friend, the other child's mum, saying I forgot my purse and needed diesel on the way home. It's mad to think of the lies I told and the obsession with the pokers. I still want to gamble, to watch the cards on the screen, to get that buzz from a win, but I'm fighting through them.
Today I will not gamble.

Hey JB,

Ah so glad to hear that your getting past these urges with long hard willpower, i like you am managing to do so too with the help and support of others and aswell as the support of guys/gals like yourself :).

So happy that your getting the priorities straight and that you've found alternatives to help you through too just got to keep going with it all now and get through it all slowly but surely. Keep us all updated for sure and keep going and smashing this awful addiction we're all going through. Iv'e been using some counselling through breakeven a charity that helps and have found that has really helped maybe try and find something like that in your area or something similar at least. Just a thought and another possibility to help you or others through too.

Another day not gambling and loads more to go too. JFT 🙂

Hey Strollers5.
Thank you so much for your kind, supportive and understanding reply. You always say the nicest things and give great advice.
I have had counselling in the past for other things, and it was just what I needed. At the moment, I'm feeling pretty good, and talking it through with my best friend is doing the job. I won't get complacent though; if I feel myself starting starting to slip, I will look up counselling in my area.
Stay good.
JB

10 days gf! Double figures. Woo hoo!