Feel disgusted

Fringe - what other steps are you going to take?

Fringe!

Im recovering from a recent relapse...I have written a list of all the things I could have bought and done with the money I lost...have it by my bed and in my work diary (so I cant escape it) harsh but working as it is making the money seem real!!

Im have also put a notice of correction on my credit file so that I cannot take out any more credit! making this relapse seem very very harsh real!! what i needed!!! I need to change my attitude towards money as part of my recovery!!

Another thread? Of course you don't feel in control, you're not, you're a compulsive gambler & scared to quit or not, if you don't figure this out, you are going to lose your wife that you hold dear because the house of cards WILL come crashing down. Go back to your last thread & read right to the end, after what I imagine is painful advice from friends & family are 6 little letters that could afford you some control over you life & maybe then the ability to tell her your way rather than the pain finding out causes.

It is down to you but you won't beat it until you accept it's beat you. You can find some self worth again but not in the fairytale world of addiction. Willpower isn't enough but you can get through this - ODAAT

As ODAAT has said willpower isn't enough and we can't do this alone. Get as much real life support as you possibly get. All the blocks and barriers in the world won't stop you unless you are willing to admit defeat and step out of your comfort zone. You have got some very good advice on other threads as well already, time to re-read and do what has been suggested instead of making excuses. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

fringe31, all the feelings and emotions you are going through are normals symptoms for a compulsive gambler. You said in your previous thread that you can't tell your wife as she is pregnant, why not? I came clean to mine when she was 5 months pregnant. Its not ideal but you either want to tackle this issue or you don't. You are only fooling yourself if you think reading forums and willpower will sort it though.

The first step in this battle is admitting that we are powerless over it, the compulsion/addiction has complete control over us. Some like to think, well its ok to have cetain bets or try sticking to a budget etc, I was one of those but it soon dawned on me that I would always end up chasing losses (even after big wins).

Once we admit we are powerless its time to get help, ideally on a 12 step programme with GA which is what I found works best. We may be able to lie to ourselves, loved ones and even therapists but a fellow CG will spot it a mile off and tell you. Basically we are battling against ourselves, we are addicts who want to bet and even though we know its wrong and affects or lives and lives of people we love it does not stop us. In this battle we need all the support we can get, starting with your partner, come clean to her, she deserves that much. Let her know you are genuinely determined to do what it takes to fight this compulsion, having her support will help you. For it to work you have to give her full control of the finances also, she needs to have access to everything, money, bank accounts, emails, credit rating the lot. Self exclude from shops, sites etc. No more hiding for you addiction, so the harder you can make it to bet the better.

GA meetings are a great support group where you can talk out loud about your issue adn hear how others tackle theirs.

It is not easy but if you put the same effort and time into your recovery as you have put in to gambling you can do it

I wish you all the best in tackling it.

Thanks for all the comments. Still feeling low and disgusted. I know it's down to me and I need to stop hiding it and making excuses. I'm contacting gamcare this evening to try to arrange councilling. Self excluded all sites yesterday. Still unsure about coming clean to my wife right now, it's very bad timing which is the only reason as I do feel ready to tell her. I really cannot burden her with the stress right now and fear I will lose everything, judge me you may but I don't feel the time is right and can't risk losing them. I have handed over my remaining funds to her however. I know what I need to do, re-reading my posts and others. Scared for my future as it stands. Over the last month I have done lots of days gamble free so made some progress. However I need to understand why I relapse and put measures in place to prevent this.

Hi fringe.

Im worried about you and want to help. I feel you are well in the grip of the addiction and something doesnt seem right with your written intentions to properly block.

You have access to your money and you have full access to go gambling. You say youve handed over money but how does that work if your partner doesnt know you have the problem? Does she think you are just handing some money over which must seem very odd if its not a present.

We are no different to you essentially but we finally realised it had us beaten. I rose one day like an out of body experience and just did everything I had been advised to do...not just exclusions but telling people who monitor my finances and that all my bills are paid. My money must be accounted for and proof must be provided

You appear to be relying on willpower alone and your partner doesnt know....this doesnt look good and these are the fundamentals of how not to do a recovery.

I spent 10 months making excuses after joining the forum and I was even advising others while relapsing myself...thats how bad it was because I didnt understand the complete control of the addiction. Someone caught me out and I deleted all my posts in a huff because I was embarrassed and still thought I could handle it my way. That person did me a favour by telling the truth

I just get the sense fringe that you are just at the stage when you want to stop losing but dont really want to do whats necessary to have a fighting chance of being gamble free. You are already losing your self respect your dignity and your mind. Secrets and good intentions are not preventing that

nothing changes if nothing fundamental changes.

I hope you will join us with the full blocks and real serenity to know you need help.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Fringe, Hi I am new to this myself only 12 days in, but you said a phrase in your last post 'its very bad timing which is the only reason as I do feel ready to tell her' - there will never ever be a good time!!

I learnt this as well and eventually had to come clean, suprisingly I got a relitivley positive reaction in that my partner was willing to help and was grateful for the honesty (considering the number of lies told previously!) - and having spoke to other CG 99% have had the same reaction! Be honest, it will be such a weight of your shoulders and a massive step forward to stopping the relapses once everything is in the open.

Take care and best wishes.

Joydivider I appreciate your comments. I can't gamble as I have handed over all funds, I have also self excluded from all bookies and websites. Would you not agree that these are blocks to prevent me gambling? Yes I haven't explained to my wife the full extend of my problem, she does know of it from the past however. I do not want to burden her right now with this issue but will come fully clean when the time is right, you may disagree but it's my life. Whilst this obviously makes things more difficult it's one way of going about it, just not the way you think it should be done, matter of opinion. I have also booked councilling sessions and am going to attend GA would you not say I am taking steps to enter recovery? I sometimes find your comments very negative, whilst I appreciate you are only trying to help, I am taking the positives that these steps are towards a gamble free life which is my aim. I am trapped in the addiction you are right but I'm self aware and trying to figure out why I kept relapsing. My determination to fight remains.

Joydivider and Marty are spot on but it is of course your right not to listen to or act on any advice.

How do you think your wife will interpret the handing over of funds, counselling sessions and attendance at GA?

Joydivider is trying to help, as compulsive gamblers we look for the lies and half lies that we tell ourselves. In your story it seems you are set to fail as you wont come clean to your wife. You want to sort it yourself but to date you have gotten yourself in this situation, do you think you can just get on with it without her knowledge, does she not deserve the truth? So when you are going to a GA meeting what tell you tell her? More lies?

Fair enough you recognise you have a problem and are taking steps to tackle it but you want it all on your terms. Again we only give this advice as we can see how likely it is that you will fall back into your gambling pattern, I have literally been in this situation myself. Thinking I could sort out the mess I made myself, thinking I could find the reason why I have this compulsion through therapy and flick to switch to get back to 'normal' but all i did was fool myself and ended up digging an even deeper hole.

fringe31 wrote:

Joydivider I appreciate your comments. I can't gamble as I have handed over all funds, I have also self excluded from all bookies and websites. Would you not agree that these are blocks to prevent me gambling? Yes I haven't explained to my wife the full extend of my problem, she does know of it from the past however. I do not want to burden her right now with this issue but will come fully clean when the time is right, you may disagree but it's my life. Whilst this obviously makes things more difficult it's one way of going about it, just not the way you think it should be done, matter of opinion. I have also booked councilling sessions and am going to attend GA would you not say I am taking steps to enter recovery? I sometimes find your comments very negative, whilst I appreciate you are only trying to help, I am taking the positives that these steps are towards a gamble free life which is my aim. I am trapped in the addiction you are right but I'm self aware and trying to figure out why I kept relapsing. My determination to fight remains.

I accept that and I know Im being really tough. I can be softer fringe or I can seem tougher and harsh. 🙂 Its because I care about you and Im just giving you food for thought about telling your partner.

You may realise that softness and platitudes may be too easy and Im just challenging you to be determined and to think about your position.

You are right in that its your decision and I respect that. I think you are going along the right lines. I read what you said about relapsing though and it sparks a realisation that maybe you havent fully embraced that there is no room for ANY half measures. Would you agree that if your partner and family need to know that you are a compulsive gambler and the problem is NOW. They could be a great help and doing right by them is a great motivator while your mind heals

Im not above you fringe. Ive been there and realise it may always be within me to some extent. I relapsed when there were ways in, I relapsed because the addiction is strong and complex. I relapsed until I reached out for all the help and realised how powerfully I would have to counter the addiction. Help from people close to me was vital.

Im not having a go for any other reason that its a deadly addiction and I want the best for you.

Best wishes