Finally joined.

Please tell her and your loved ones. Everything. Don’t hold anything back. Once you’re out of the secrecy, things will get a little bit better every day. Get someone to control your finances at least initially. Join GA (they’re online now via zoom) and get self-exclusion. I wish you the best.

Hello Jones0990,

I know this isn't Gamblers Anonymous, but it has help me over the years so my experience is based on that.

GA feels that if left to just our own willpower, we will fail. The addiction is too strong for you to be able to do it on your own. I imagine that you have probably tried on your own in the past without much success. You may have  I imagine that you have probably tried on your own in the past without much success. You may have  stopped by yourself for a short while, maybe a week or month, but long-term you find yourself back gambling.

In my experience you need two types of help. The first is a group like GA or a forum like here, the chatrooms, the Gamcare advisers who can chat about you and your feelings. The second, if you have someone at home, is a partner, a wife, anyone you trust. Not everyone has someone but in your case you do.

Very few lies and secrets don't get found out and nothing good came from a loved one finding out our secrets.

I was honest to my wife, told her everything, and she listened and understood. She joined Gam-anon, the partner side of GA and learnt that it wasn't her fault and she wasn't alone.

You would be surprised what our partners think. Most suspect something is up, some know but don't say for fear of confrontation, some think we're having an affair. Sometimes they are just glad to be told. 

If you want to stop, my advice, based on my experience, is to be honest, tell her everything and have a plan moving forward. But be under no illusions, it might not be hugs and kisses. It might end up in tears and getting kicked out. Sometimes honesty costs though, and the weight that gets lifted from you is huge. You can't control how she reacts, let her. You can give her security moving forward though. 

Take a read through other posts and look for time, place and money. This is what's needed to bet and the standard advice on taking away the opportunity to bet.

All the best to you in your decision.

Chris.

Well done for getting to the point where you can get help. The thing is, admitting the problem doesn't make it go away, but it's a great start. In order to get proper help, you will need to be honest with your family. I tried doing it myself for years and failed, only ever going so long before relapsing again and falling into the trap. I was constantly caught in a cycle of trying to win back losses and undo the mistakes of the past. Since nobody knew about my addiction, I was free to continue. I wanted help and I wanted to stop but I couldn't let go of my losses or my mistakes so all I did was carry on making them. 

Once I came clean, there was a weight lifted, no worrying about lies anymore, being found out, trying to get to the statements before anyone saw them.... Not only that, if you are honest, your family can support you. You don't have to tell everyone, but your partner is a great person to help you manage your finances and also to talk to when things get tough. There will be times when you feel you need to bet, when you have urges and you need someone to just ground you and remind you why you are living the life of a non gambler.

It really helped me to be honest. It wasn't easy. I know you say that no one knows about your gambling, but I bet you they see through your charade to some extent....perhaps they see the moodiness, the pensiveness, perhaps being defensive or introvert. Carrying a heavy burden like gambling addiction affects everyone, whether you tell them or not.....that's the catch. You aren't doing yourself or them any favours by shielding them from this because it is your honesty that can save you from keeping this cycle going for decades. They have no more security just because they don't know.....it is worse because not knowing means they can't help you and you have to carry the burden and the pressure yourself which sometimes can lead to more gambling due to the trigger of trying to do this alone.

You should start slowly, by telling your partner that you want to confide in them about a problem that has been worrying you. This will make them feel good that you know you can talk to them. They will appreciate that you can come to them and share this burden. Let them know that you have suffered for many years with this but didn't want them to be hurt or ashamed of you, so you have been trying but failing to sort this out. Tell them, that you think they can help you and that you want to work with them to make this better.

They may still be hurt that this has happened but it probably won't be the money side.....more so that it took you so long to speak about it.....so make sure that you let them know how hard it is to speak about this because you didn't want them to be disappointed in you. Tell them that you wanted to speak about it and have been trying to find ways to talk about it. Perhaps you have some underlying issues that you think may have led you to start gambling....perhaps think about sharing these reasons with your partner so that they understand what you have been going through....for example, the gambling may have started after a change in circumstances, a family bereavement, loss of a job....depression or anxiety. 

This way they can not only understand what led you to gamble but also can see ways to help you so that you can break the cycle. Dealing with the underlying problems will help you move forward because you cannot sort out the gambling until you first sort out your self. 

Don't live with that anvil above your head, waiting to be found out. If you are serious about wanting to stop gambling, you have nothing to lose by coming clean and everything to gain because it is such a weight lifted and you can share this journey together...think about it this way....is it going to change the past if they don't know what happened? Is it going to put the money back in the bank? Do you have any less of a gambling problem just because they don't know about it? Trust them. Let them help you. 

You can do this the hard way but you will have little support. Blocks and things are great and work well, but they don't give you a reason to stop gambling, they can't motivate you, support you and encourage you, and they can't talk to you when you have urges and need guidance.

Remember, gambling addiction is an illness. It is not a choice. It is no different to having a poorly heart, or a poorly lung.....your brain is poorly and you need to get all the help you can in order to get well. Do not be ashamed of your addiction. Gambling is made to be addictive. It is not your fault. 

It shows great strength and courage to ask for help and even if your partner is upset at first, they will soon be proud of you for speaking up. You are upset about your addiction, right? They have a right to be too. Just remember that the most important thing here is not how people react to this news, but what you do about it. 

All the best.

Jones,

Welcome to the forum.

The members above have offered you tremendous advice. I won’t add to that. Instead, I would like to say well done for admitting that you have a problem and wish you the very best in taking control, tackling the problem and building a new and better life.

RR

Hi guys, 

Thank you for your advice. It's so hard thinking about even telling anyone. I honestly believe I'm done with gambling as I've given up for a couple of months now. I'm worried and scared of telling others as I don't want to become a burden. Is there not a way of doing this myself? With the help of only this community? 

Yes, you can, but it is a difficult and often faltering path. Are you in a position to completely block all forms of gambling on all devices, and will this actually stop you? The addiction is incredibly strong and a couple of months, although a great achievement, is not going to give you any power against it when the urge strikes.

I'm nearly two years without a bet, and the last couple of weeks have really rocked me. My hours of work are greatly reduced, my debt's not going down much and I have a lot of time on my hands that is causing all sorts of thoughts in my head......the depression is back with a vengeance and I find myself back in my head again due to all the stress and angst out there.

Just because you don't gamble any more doesn't mean you don't want to. I have always been honest and said that I still want to bet. If I had the chance, I still would. I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel because of what I have put my family through, but I also know that this is the nature of addiction. It still lies within you, no matter how long you go without a bet and it waits for times of need and vulnerability to come calling.

No amount of months, or years puts you any further away from your next bet, only from your last bet. We have to remain extremely vigilant and fight this for the rest of our lives. 

I'm saying this to you because I am asking can you actually lock down all avenues to bet and keep them in place? Will you push yourself to deal with any underlying problems you might have or expect your addiction to go away while the triggers are all still there? Are you likely to block your own access to gambling and then just work around your restrictions? Are you going to tell yourself that you can gamble responsibly and maybe have a bet now and again, whilst telling yourself that you have this under control? These are all ways that the addiction tries to get you to gamble again.

Gambling addicts don't recover. They are always 'recovering'. You get well each day by not gambling and your safety nets need to be airtight because there are so many ways that an addict will use to get around the measures they put in place to protect themselves. Your right hand will literally try to undo everything your left hand is doing and you really would benefit from support and having someone to help you manage your money and keep an eye on you which helps you keep focused and also really motivates you to stay on track. Otherwise, your addiction and your struggles are going under the radar. 

If you go three or four months without a bet, then relapse, you will just try to cover your back, cover your mistakes and carry on. The repercussions of relapse are not the same when you do this yourself because you avoid the deterrent which is of course, letting your family down. You look at relapse differently, because only you know about it, maybe only you is affected by it? This is obviously not the case. 

I have used every possibly work around to continue betting in the past, despite having self exclusions on over 76 betting sites and devastating financial consequences and ill health caused by two decades of compulsive gambling. Even when Gamstop came out, I signed up after a heavy loss, felt great and felt relief....then just days in set out to work around the restrictions I put in place. Even right now, I am aware of places that I can bet if I want to and the thought lights up my brain in a way that only an addict would understand. It's like there are two people in there and one is louder than the other in times of stress. It's a constant battle and though I have been struggling these last few weeks, I have told my partner about the stress and the urges to bet and his response was 'how can I help you, what can we do to get this out of your head?'. How beautiful. That's the difference right there. 

It's called compulsive gambling for a reason. You are pretty much along for the ride some times. Control is an illusion and is a trick of the addicted brain. I distinctly remember times when I felt almost an out of body experience when I was trying to quit gambling. I'd gone 6 months when I folded and sought out a place to bet almost on autopilot and within seconds, I was completely zoned out and had no intention of betting that day and didn't even want to. It was completely out of the blue. It was so impulsive and so destructive and I felt like I wasn't even inside. It was automatic.

This addiction is so scary and of course you don't want people to know and you want to do this yourself. Maybe you can, but having tried for years to give up, and failed, the only time that this actually worked for me was when I was completely honest with my family. No amount of willpower can help because addiction is not a rational thought process, it is a habit and an impulse to bet. Wanting to quit doesn't equal success. If it did, we'd all be cured on here because we desperately want to stop. As much as I wanted to fix this myself and feel proud of quitting on my own, I had to accept that the addiction had me beat and despite my best efforts, I was going around in circles until I had the direction of my family. 

The decision is yours to make and I wish you well in whatever you choose to do. Just remember that if you protect yourself, you also protect the addiction. Your loved ones cannot fight what they cannot see.

All the best.

Honesty has been my biggest help, honest with others and honesty with myself.

There are some people who manage on their own for a period of time but they are few and far between.

You'll still be in the same position of having a loan on your credit file and you'll be constantly worried about getting found out. Better it comes out on your terms rather than you missing the postman one day and a letter being opened or she spots an email or text on your phone.

It isn't an easy thing to do but imagine it's your addiction that's keeping you afraid of talking out. The addict wants you to keep going but it'll wait for you until you slip up. Be brave and face the addiction and maybe give yourself a chance of a life free from lies and worries.

Chris.

This post hits the nail on the head. I have recently joined and today was the day I decided to turn my life around after 15 yrs of gambling on and off.  I have read through the threads and it is like an illness, and the thought of having an illness sounds strange in my head, because I am such a positive person on a day to day basis, endeavouring others to be motivated and positive until I relapse and spend all my money, leaving my family without, relying on some one to bailout me out again using an excuse for the money (For the business / home improvements etc). Today was the last time I am allowing this to happen. I lost /spent all the money from my bank )This was used for home and business. I hit rock bottom, I could hear my partner and 9 month old baby downstairs laughing and being happy, thinking how do I tell them. So I did, I was so ashamed, my partner completely broke down, my little girl in tears and my head just a cloud of shame and fog. My partner finally come back to see my after what seemed like an eternity of her crying downstairs and asked me why I did it. I told her about the urges and how nothing else mattered even though it should and I needed help. she found the Gamcare helpline, I contacted them and they are going to help me with over the phone CBT and I have self excluded myself from online sites for +5yrs.  This disease (Gambling) needs to be eradicated forever. It ruins lives and nearly ruined everything I invested in and wanted.

My partner tried to quit a few months before he came clean to me.  His plan was to quit and never tell me and just forget all about it.  He did not succeed because he had to make excuses to attend his counselling (he was doing counselling which eventually didn't work, GA meetings seem to work for him). He had to go to a Vegas trip I arranged for the both us as I didn't have a clue about his addiction.  It makes me sick recalling how I included slots in our daily itinerary.  I even considered scratchcards as a thank you gift for our wedding guests.  He had to lie when I asked why he has no savings.  Lied when I asked why his bank statements are still sent to his dad's.  Lies after lies after lies.  He was living a life of dread, worried I will find out one day.  Of course all the stress mounted up and he found himself in heavier gambling than before.  All this with the intention and desire to quit.  By no means am i saying the same thing will happen to you, but it's just tremendously difficult to do it on your own.  You owe it to yourself, if you come out clean, yes there will be an emotional reaction but a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders.  Your vision will be clearer and since your loved ones will be aware about the problem they are able support your recovery which for me is a huge deal to beating the illness.

Thank you for your helpful messages and thank you for giving me an insight into your experiences. I live with my parents and I do have savings for a house deposit which is going well. I am so keen to keep this a secret as it would absolutely destroy my girlfriend. She is the type of person who's sooo good with money. I am honestly afraid to lose her. How will I explain £20000 worth of debt to her? I have blocked myself from all UK gambling sites and I have counselling starting next week.

I have another question. If I gamble for example on the local pub fruit machine or a game of poker, is this counted as relapsing? My gambling issue is only with live casino games.

Well that depends really. It depends on the reasons why you gamble and what you get out of it.....and the reason I say that is because I literally only have an online gambling addiction and I have zero desire to play in casinos or arcades or visit high street bookies. That's because my addiction online was my own private affair. It was my safe place, my secret and my means of escaping who I really was. I could blow money away like I could actually afford to, it made me feel like somebody where in reality, I felt like I didn't matter to anyone. Gambling welcomed me where in real life, people ignored me.

For me, gambling was not something to share with others, it was not a social thing. It was a means of pretending almost to be someone else, so gambling in person does nothing for me and I have no interest in it. I also have social anxiety so there is not a chance that I would ever walk into a bookies or a casino to bet. I am also strangely very good with money in the real world. I could never part with actual cash the way I played around with 'numbers' on a screen. Those figures horrify me now when I look back.

When we go to those kind of seaside arcades, my partner would say are you sure you should be in here because he knew about my problem then, and trust me, he had nothing to worry about. He liked to have a few spins (I'm talking a few quid) on the reels and such and it did absolutely nothing for me. I just wanted to go get my fish and chips. Addiction is not always across the board. I was very select at what I did. In fact, 90% of the time, it was the same 3D roulette game for me. It was purely habitual escapism....where I didn't have to think. I'd just sit hitting buttons and zone out.

The fact that you are asking about the fruit machines or poker makes me wonder if your addiction is reaching out to these as options to bet? Only you can decide how to control this, but as I was saying earlier, are you going to put full restrictions on yourself or go easy on yourself and allow your addiction the freedom to grow? Is the real reason that you don't want anyone to know because you feel you can somehow control this? 

It's entirely up to you. Only you know what will work for you, but sometimes you have to be careful because if you usually bet online, what happens is that when you close down those options, you can start looking at gambling on the high street etc.... It doesn't go away, it just changes location. Some people give up gambling and take up drinking or smoking and replace one addiction with another. I can't tell you how many people I know that thought they only had an online addiction only to now be slumped over the FOBT's. If it weren't for my mental health issues, I'd probably have ventured in there too in the early days.

What I am concerned about is your thought process right now? Is this your addiction talking do you think? Is it telling you that it's not the same to bet in pubs, bars etc.... The thing is, gambling of any kind will fuel your addiction because it will keep your brain stuck in the cycle of bet equals reward. 

Again, it's entirely up to you. Many people go through stages of cutting down gambling before they cut it out completely but this is mostly because they won't admit that they just aren't ready to let go of gambling.

Usually they end up finding out the hard way that success usually comes from complete abstinence. The reason being is that while gambling is still in your life in some form or another, then your brain chemistry cannot get back to normal. What you really need is to fill your time with lots of really constructive things to do, work on your hobbies, your interests and leave gambling behind completely. That way, you can really get back to normal and free yourself up to live life to the full again. If you could see the way an addict's brain lights up when gambling is on telly or they see an advert or something, you would know that it is best to stay away completely. Even now, I can still feel it sometimes. I can actually feel my brain reacting to the casino ads. The last thing you need right now is to keep fuelling that fire. Let it die, and give yourself the best possible chance to break free from this.

All the best.

You do have to lead your recovery so if you’re not ready to come clean yet then you won’t. Please make use of the available support for you (gamstop, gamcare forums, Ga meetings). I wish you all the best but i’m still hoping one day you’ll decide to be open to your loved ones.

Also i don’t know how to say this without being blunt but you can’t have savings but at the same time have 20k debt. My partner gave me money every month (without fail) to go to our pot for the house deposit but he also managed to rack up x amount of debts behind my back.

re your last query, i believe any form of gambling is gambling. Just like an alcoholic shouldn’t drink beer even though vodka was his main addictive drink. 

Keep posting here Jones, we look forward to hearing more from you. Best wishes.

That's a very valid point, Pep1952. The so called 'savings' are only a smokescreen that suggests things are going well. I lost £20,000 from the bank and then ran up another £20,000 in credit cards trying to get it back. I was always very careful to pay bills and cover my back. I never once missed rent. Looking back now, it wasn't to be responsible. It was to protect myself and my addiction because I wasn't ready to give up. 

I most certainly am now, but it took me a lot more pain and suffering to figure that out. I think the only time this gets better is when we are fully honest, not only with our loved ones, but with ourselves.

Stay well.

Thank you guys your comments and advice are huge help to me. I have a call with a counsellor next week so should be Interesting to see what happens. I hope your recoveries and journeys are going well?