Gambled after one year in the clear

Day 28

Not much to report here . Everything good . Read more stories here , tried to give out some assistance and advice that I am heeding myself . There are some brilliant people on this forum who totally understand your situation . It’s humbling that people take time out from their issues to try and help others . I was just thinking ok 28 days , that’s gone pretty fast . I’m not going to sit here and say right I’m going to do 100 days or 200 days . What I am going to say is that I have a taste of a new life and I really like it . I am starting to like myself. Going to carry on working on myself and put the effort in . That way it won’t be a case of 100 or 200 day milestones. It will be a complete lifestyle change and the days will look after themselves . I’ve witnessed myself on this forum that it can be done , I’m no different to the horror stories and I am no different to the success stories . We are all very similar , just need to make the right changes and choices

That’s great that things are going well for you. Agree with everything you said just, spot on. Pleased to see your wife has noticed the change in you. I think for me, it’s a gradual change. Handing finances over to partner after being the one in control of it all and treating saving and investing like a hobby was very hard for me to do, that’s been the best thing that’s happened. For me personally, the deep deep regret has started to appear less and there’s no real urge to gamble for long periods. To be fair though, the regret hasn’t gone yet and it’s hard to know when it will. One day at a time.

Vulture, you are doing great. Your thought process is spot on. Loving the fact you like your new life and are willing to work hard and put the effort in.
For your wife to comment positively on the results just goes to prove that you're doing something right. Keep this up and surely, happiness will follow. x

Cheers for comments on my diary appreciate it mate

Well done Vulture just keep on making the right choices!

Wilsy

Hi Vulture

Your positivity in times like these is great to read and will help you on the long road. Some days there will be lulls so keep that in mind and use that positivity and energy to fight off those lulls and know that the gamble free life is the only way.

Keep going,

Matt

Thanks Scott, Little miss, Boro , Wilsy and Matt for your lovely words of encouragement, again it’s given me a lift and I do appreciate it

Day 29

All is good . Busy day at work . Looking at new company cars for myself and my MD. Looking like we will go for a hybrid as it’s much better on the P11D. Government taxes so much on your emissions . I used to have a Chrysler 300C but crippled me on my tax , was costing ridiculous amounts like £450 a month . A decent hybrid would cost around £110 a month so another thing to help me save money moving forward . Anyway I have a singles pool match tonight at 9:30pm. Other than that and reading the forum (which I didn’t have much time today) everything good . No thoughts of gambling onto day 30

Hi Vulture

Just popped in to say how much I enjoy your diary, I've not gambled for 22 days, fobt's were my poison. I feel I don't need to write a diary as you cover everything I'm currently going through. I too love my snooker and pool, but it all got neglected to gamble on the roulette machines, always alone of course. My wife says she has noticed a big improvement in me regarding my mood and how thoughtful and kind I am again. Gambling seems to rob us of those normal, decent feelings and replaces them with utter selfishness. I am truly shocked at how fast my money has accumulated in the bank with my wife now in control of all finances. It feels great but reminds me just how much I must have been losing, but I won't look back only forward.

I seem to be coping well with any urges to gamble and so far am finding it easy. Yet that worries me, could a trigger to relapse be just around the corner.

I will be keep reading your diary as I find it a great help to my recovery of only 22 days.

Thanks

Wow Greenflash you certainly made my morning thank you for commenting and I am so happy you are getting something out of my diary . When I started writing it my head was in a completely different place to where it is now . You should take up your hobbies again it definitely worked for me . Has the poison started leaving your thoughts ? Well done on 22 days it’s no mean feat . Feel free to say hi any time it’s nice to know people like you are around who notice my posts

Morning Bryan,

i will copy and paste my response to you and will follow your progress moving forward where I can. Yes I am 42, I have been caught up in this b******t for too many years, as long as I can rememember. My setbacks come when life just becomes a little unbearable or when I can't cope or deal with the loss of a loved one even a pet. There is like no coping skills and I have turned to gambling to hide away from the reality which is life, then I do awful damage to myself. My problems run deep but I've never stopped trying to stop. When I fall in love for example and have a chance of a brighter future and feel special or loved back then I can abstain for good periods but all too often I get treated like s**t or hurt that I then turn to it as my smokescreen. I've had all sorts of counselling, I am on medication again but I'll never give up!

Loneliness has often been a killer and it is difficult to deal with now while I make the right decisions but it won't always be like this.

I'm proud of you too Bryan. I am feeling very, very low today and am very hurt so I might have a few quiet days to myself before i get back into the swing of things and try and support others.

I see you as a friend now as you invested time in reading my diary and sending me support of which I am internally grateful. None of us are alone, we shouldn't be judged or painted 'black' with a brush, marked as damaged or not worthwhile knowing, we are just fighting our own battles and everyone understands eachother on here, people who don't understand who deliberately try to hurt us or bring us down are pieces of s**t!

Cheers Bryan.

Hi Vulture

I have recently played snooker again in the local club, played for 3 hours, had 4 pints, a mars bar and a packet of crisps, £15 for a good night, so cheap. It shows how detached gamblers become from reality. Until I accepted my problem I would have hated to spend £15 playing snooker but thought nothing of spending £880.00 on fobt's. That was my last loss before admitting my problem to my wife. I know my problem had got so bad that I resented spending my money on anything, as I wanted it all for my gambling, just crazy, though I now know I'm not alone.

Has the poison started leaving my thoughts, good question vulture, Honestly I do not know. I think the fact that my wife controls absolutely all finances, cash, cards, credit files etc, and I am accountable for the small amount of money I do have, I simply have no way to play the roulette machines, thank god. However if I had £1000 in pocket walking past a bookies, would I have the willpower to keep walking, not so sure I would. This is the reason I never want to be in charge of the finances again. I check in everyday on the forum as a reality check of what I am and to keep getting help and advice.

Thanks

Day 30

Feeling strange today not in the gambling sense or wanting to.gamble . Is there such a thing as finding this too easy ? The fire and brimstone thoughts are no , if you don’t watch your guard you will fail and face the wrath of your future gambling . I’m not so sure . I’m sure that my brain has suffered so much it’s almost like PTSD perhaps not that I can quantify that . Perhaps my brain has severed the gambling chord and said , that’s it . No more gambling for you my son. Is it possible to just walk away from it virtually unscathed mentally when recovering ? Should I want gambling thoughts so I can battle with it and suffer ? Just wondering if anyone who has done a long stint recognises these feelings . Yes I need to be aware of it but in all honesty I am finding it fine . To anyone new reading this they may think yes you never had any gambling problems you are a fraud . Not true . I’ve suffered enough and I’m sure I’m done with it . I kidded myself time after time that I was stopping but this form of self help is working . Be interested in people’s reactions to this . Not saying I am cured (however you want to quantify that ) but I am certainly a different mindset and thought process . Onto today , all good went spinning at the gym and watched my daughter swimming . Busy as hell at work so decent commission further down the line . Thanks to those who have read my story so far and have encouraged me

Well done on 30 days.

I totally feel like at times its been "too easy". The truth is 119 days ago wasn't the first time i wanted to stop. For me it was the first time i felt like i HAD to stop. I know for sure if i hadn't hit my rock bottom i wouldn't be on this site, i would be gambling. I have tried many weak (dare i even call them) "efforts" at stopping, without success. I had never exposed my gambling addiction until that point. I haven't given gambling a chance to control me. Yes, i still have thoughts about what i could bet on but i don't give these thoughts the power and i don't allow access to accommodate them anyway. I have REAL blocks that WOULD stop me.

I think recovery is personal and without any pervious true attempts i have nothing to compare the level of struggle to other than what i expected it to be. Maybe we do reach a "thats enough" point. Once not gambling becomes an active thought it makes choosing to gamble feel like more of a choice than maybe it felt before. To me it's also about where we go with our lives and the struggles we do have. Its not as easy for some to fill that void of time or even that buzz that gambling undoubtly did give us. To some gambling is a safe place to hide and facing reality (even beyond the financial side of things) is not easy and that in itself makes gambling have a greater attraction to that individual.

Our addiction is of the mind and i have no doubt that it could well be thoughts i forever have. Its our ability to learn to have the awareness of these thoughts and to work on our issues that made us gamble in the first place that gives us the best chance of success. Not wether that process is enough of a struggle day-to-day to keep us away over the long term.

Thanks for the input . It’s a strange one because I have done over 730 gamble free days in the past (and no not when I was 11 years old !) . I was 30 but the gambling world has evolved . Constant adverts on the tv . A casino available in your pocket the temptation could be there if you didn’t have blocks . My biggest enemy was my mindset when gambling and it is now becoming my strongest allie. Only time will tell if I get any urges and then I will not be tempted . Fingers crossed for myself and also to anyone else . I’m not trying to talk down the addiction or boast that I am cured . I am merely writing down my inner most thoughts which in itself is my method to counter act any gambling acts and it seems to be working for now

That must have been a big disappointment, to have gambled after you had gone 2 years without a bet. It's good though because it shows you have what it takes to fight the fight.

Congratulations on 30 days gamble free. If you look over your shoulder you'll see me waving.

Great to see your positivity, humour and determination. Not point being sad when we can enjoy our recovery. I was watching the spinning class at the gym, looks really challenging so I might give it a miss.

Lets capture the rapture or join in the culture, alongside our friend, the dear Mr Vulture.

Wishing you well...stephen