Gambled after one year in the clear

Haha Stephen that made me laugh out loud . Good words indeed .Reading a lot of posts and diaries , research I guess you can call it , you see the good bad and ugly . I don’t want to be negative about anyone here whatsoever . We all have suffered and some are still suffering more than others . I prefer gallows humour it gets me through any rough times . I have a choice . A choice to let my addiction depress me or to turn it around , learn to live with it and silence it . It feeds of negativity so what’s the point ? It ain’t going to get any worse for me if I don’t let it . The spinning yeah it’s tough but if it’s easy in my opinion it isn’t worth doing . You summed that up perfectly , enjoy your recovery . We should be celebrating it more and embracing it . This genuinely is life changing

,

Hi Bryan,

Interesting post, but not surprised you have found it easier than some, and nothing to feel uneasy about. You’ve really thrown yourself into your diary and helping others, and got your life back with your snooker etc. I also know what you mean about it being harder to give up these days ... in past you could limit daily withdrawals on your card or self exclude so betting would involve travelling. I used to think FOBTs were the biggest curse, but on line is just too easy ... I also find it easier to bet silly amounts, as I used to get embarrassed depositing at the counter in the bookies so would leave ... no such issue on line. I think it’s great that you have no urge to bet, I’m the same ... I also know there will come up a point where I will wobble, so that’s why I’ve got blocks in place, and also why I come on here all the time. Can’t bet now and let down my Gamcare mates! Rich

Thanks Rich . Positive thoughts . What makes you think you will wobble ? That’s going back to your old train of thought . Surely with your fresh approach and blocks you won’t ? I hope it doesn’t happen but like you say you are a lot more prepared . Before you would have gambled and not given it any thought . Will check in with you over the next day or two mate

Quote for today . Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it

Hi mate. When I said wobble, I meant I would get tempted again ... I know in the past it’s been when i’ve been stressed or frustrated that I’ve binged, and it would be naive to think life will be easy from now on. I think I was trying to say that if I wasn’t on here, and thinking willpower alone would let me ride it out, I’d be wrong ... looking at diaries also shows that ... can’t get complacent and need to keep blocks in place. Given I’ve got the support of people like yourself, and I am on here, there’s no way I’m going back to zero on the days gamble free! Hope that’s a bit more positive (I think I am generally a ‘glass is half empty’ person ... suspect a lot of gamblers are, otherwise we’d be happier with what we’ve got). Rich

I agree too . I really don’t want to get complacent . I have a pool match tonight and there are fruit machines . Should I even have any thought I won’t be playing as I already have planned it mentally

Day 31 - The first month

I’m sat here in my kitchen typing this . Didn’t think I could do a day let alone a month . Made a lot of progress in myself I think . Today had a pool match , no urges to play the fruit machine next to me , nothing , nada . My mother came to our house for a Chinese that she paid for . I offered her money she wouldn’t accept . When she dropped me off at the pub I steered the conversation to me not gambling . She was angry . She said when did you last gamble ? I said 31 days ago. Her first question “how much did you lose ?” I said it doesn’t matter . It’s in the past and I am telling you because I want to be completely honest about it. Don’t worry I said . She said “ I won’t worry” in the tone of tough love . To be fair I was owed that response . She has had to put up with my gambling the most . Lending me money . Cashing in endowment policies when I was younger . Sacrificing to help me and every time I would say this is the last time . Well today , I didn’t say that as she had heard it before so many times . I didn’t say anything . I’m going to prove to her that I am reformed and my actions are going to speak louder than words . Got a letter from Argos with my credit file complaint saying they are investigating (if you have just tuned in I need them to correct my credit file to make sure it’s squeaky clean). Tomorrow is pay day and the first one I am not scheming about . I still have money in my pocket and the money tomorrow is accounted for . To be honest I will be fine. I have hardly spent any money the last few weeks and I am committed to stopping but also I have been busy and gone out quite a bit be it snooker , pool, the gym . To my Gamcare friends thank you for your support for the last month , I honestly couldn’t have done this without you so all pat yourselves on the back . Here’s to the next 31 days

Day 32 - Pay day

This was going to be the crunch normally I’m scheming in my head about lying about my spare cash after bills . Not this time . Paid all the things I needed to and got no thoughts of gambling . Treated my children to a new Nintendo switch game and told them if they are good , every pay day I will buy them one . Wife was like “why have you spent £40 on a game ?” My reply was “I’m not gambling that’s why “ (throws down the microphone and exits stage )

This is a lovely, honest diary and as my last gambling episode was on 23rd December 2017, I feel that we are going through a very similar journey together. I used to post lots of times on here but for personal reasons, I am not posting very often. A diary of nearly half a million words has been penned on the Cloud for the last two years and I feel that I am able to share much more on that diary instead.

I will certainly follow your diary with interest as I have very similar dreams and goals. My aim is to be totally debt-free for the first time in my adult life (30+ years) in less than five months time and I will certainly update my diary when this happens.

What I will say to you, however, is to be eternally grateful that you have a small family of your own.

I don't.

Gambling has put paid to that.

All the very best,

NT

Well done getting through payday. I always spoilt the kids when gambling (probably reducing my own guilt), so I decided that I would treat myself to something each month if I didn't gamble. Funny thing is, couldn't think of anything I actually wanted, so no idea why I felt I had to win more money in the first place! Think it's been a pretty good month for us both, so keep up the good work. Rich

Thank you both for your comments . Something strange has happened and bear with me . Around 5 years ago I went for hypnotism and it worked to a little effect . When I thought of gambling I had a strange trembling at the back of my head nothing to be scared about . Yesterday and today I thought let’s try and picture a fruit machine online hitting a bonus (just to see if I hate it as much as I think I do)I had the same tremble feeling plus I couldn’t even picture hitting a feature on a game therefore it was like selective amnesia . Do you think I’m going mad ??? Couldn’t even picture the symbols like my brain is blocking it out

On a separate note I had a response from my Argos card . They won’t uphold my complaint so I have to go to the FInancial ombudsman. Basically they said because I increased my repayment amounts back to them itbroke their arrangement so they put missed payments on my credit file . Won’t give up the fight yet it’s ridiculous

Day 34

Feeling I don’t need to put everything down on a diary right now as I got most of it off my chest before . Everything fine no urges just living a normal life so soon after taking the plunge . I guess there is fear in all of us about stopping that we are missing out on something . The entertainment if that’s how you want to define it . I can whole heartedly say that I am not missing that kind of action . I have flat lined a bit and am loving the benefits of breaking free of this addiction . Oh yes it will probably always be with me but at the moment I am definitely coming out on top. Could go on and list all the good things . Here are just a few . Not waking up in the morning worried . Spending quality time with family and friends . Not being vacant all the time in my conversations with anyone . Not making excuses to take a couple of hours holiday from work to go on a gambling binge . Getting a grip with short term debts. Not scheming to not pay a utility bill or other monthly commitment . Not lying to anyone . Not hiding my phone. Not worrying about when or where or how I will gamble next . Having money all the time and if I want to buy that bottle of vodka or nice food , I can . Not looking and waiting until next payday and wondering how I can manage firstly without gambling and also without any treats for myself . Not panicking about how I may find the money for a holiday this year . You see folks this can be achieved in just over a month . If I can do it you can do it

Hi mate,

Just checking in to say hi and hope everything ok, given you haven’t posted for a few days. I haven’t either, but I don’t have anything interesting to say, whereas you normally do! Anyway, all fine with me, and hope you still clocking up the days. Cheers. Rich

3 weeks gamble free today. Everything came to head about a fortnight ago when my wife was using my phone and saw in the search engine I'd been googling about suicide. I was in a very dark place, still am to a certain degree but not like that. She has been very understanding and the relief of it finally being out in the open rather than my dark, dirty secret is unimaginable. I only wish I'd told her months ago. Don't keep gambling, take that step admit your problems and with a good support network from home trust me life can begin to look better. Feeling positive.

Hi Rich, thanks for your message .i have posted on your diary .

Hi Alantaylor well done on 3 weeks . I would suggested you start your own thread in the new members section , more people will be able to see it and offer advice , mine will only be from my own experience although you can draw on many peoples expertise on the other forum string