So here I am again, same old story. Stopped gambling for a few months, thought I was ok and then somewhere something happens inside my brain that says ‘one go won’t harm’ but of course, it does.
So much has changed since I joined the forum, in a way I’ve grown in so many ways, but actually, I’ve still got the same problem. In the time I’ve been signed up to the forum, I’ve got married, somehow managed to buy a house (was lucky that I had stopped gambling in just about the right time that they weren’t able to see it on bank statements) and had my first child. I’ve changed jobs a couple of times and at times, things have been good. For some unknown reason when things become good, that’s when I gamble, it’s like I have to have some sort of crisis to be able to focus and get back on track. I can’t just be happy or content with myself.
This time I have blown £5,000. My wife is on maternity and I have put us in a pretty rubbish situation. We have zero savings and now I have a £4350 credit card debt, along with other debts like mortgage/car loan etc. My credit card was already at £2000 debt but the painful thing is that I have lost all of our savings that was meant to keep us ok until the end of my wife’s maternity. Now we have to struggle and get through the next few months because I wanted to have a gamble. Which obviously is incredibly selfish. I have lost amounts in the region of £2000 on 2 or 3 occasions in the past and promised to not do it again. It’s demoralising when you keep to your promise for a long time, get yourself into a good place again and then destroy it all. But here we go again, I guess losing £5000 (the biggest amount I’ve lost so far - all done in a week) has really panicked me. I always thought that losing £2000 was my stopper, but clearly not. I’ve read a lot on the forum where people say that if you can lose a certain amount and think that it’s bad, that you can certainly lose more and I guess that has rung true for me now.
This time we have actually been to the bank, cancelled my card, cancelled my access to internet banking (I’m only going to be able to view our account with my wife’s supervision - just so we can atleast budget the next few months together). I’m only going to be given £20 at a time and I’m hoping with these blocks in place and restricted access to money, that I won’t do it again. I have to stop as I now have a mortgage, a baby and responsibilities. Losing my wife should have been enough of a reason (she said last time I did this that she would leave me) This is what’s upset her so much is that not even her saying that has stopped me from gambling.
Going forward I need to understand what triggers my gambling and talk to people when I feel like I want to gamble. I’ve not brought it up with my wife when I have felt like gambling because I didn’t want her to feel like I was a lost cause and weak I guess. But I know I have to talk, it’s clear that I have an addiction so I suppose she knows now after this latest stint that it will always be the case and it won’t be a surprise to her if I do say months down the line ‘I have an urge to gamble, please help me’ - rather than telling her after I’ve done it and lost loads of money.
My triggers for gambling recently has probably been the grand national. I’m starting a new job soon and I’m always a bit nervous when I start a new job. I start to question whether I can do it, start questioning my ability, worrying that I’m not going to pick it up quickly and what people are going to think. I then start questioning my self worth and put myself down. Self-confidence is constantly low and other that my wife, feel like I have no support. My mum is a state and my dad didn’t want to know when I was very young. I’m an adult and should have got over the need to lean on people, but I think because I never had the ability to lean on people or have help from people that, in normal people lives, they do have help from family. It’s meant that I’ve turned to gambling as a means of escape. Also as a means to make myself feel good, the rush of winning. But as others have explained, it’s like a toxic relationship, it keeps you there with the small wins but hurts you with big losses, to make you feel things that you wouldn’t normally feel.
All I know is, is that I’ve got to sort myself out (again). Not make empty promises, have blocks in place and always know that it can creep up on me (even if I go a few months without doing it). I’m not cured if I don’t gamble for a good amount of time, I’m an addict and it will always be there and I need to accept that I will get urges, but I need to talk about it, and not just keep it to myself.
The other focus is to try and get through the next few months of my wife’s maternity and survive basically. When we gamble, the focus is always on the money, to clear debt, to pay our bills and I know in the short term that’s what’s going to make me buck my ideas up. But I guess I need a long term goal as well that I’m going to stick to. To know that I cannot put my family in this stituation again. That I need to be content with what I’ve got and o speak out when I need to. All in all, I just needed to get my feelings off of my chest, hopefully I can stick to it this time. I don’t have a choice, I don’t want to keep feeling like this and I don’t want to lose what I’ve got and in order to do that, gambling needs to go.
Just to see that this compulsive addiction escalates and we become out of control can be the end and new beginning. I also had that series of episides where I could not believe the wagers and the losses that were stacking up ; definately and escalation and definately out of control. I can hardly imagine how you must feel with the dear wife and child to support and having this slip BUT I also can not imagine the wonders of marriage with children because I never had a child. I hope that this blessing of a wife and child , you for them and them for you is something that inspires the change that you want. You can do this. tara2
Hello tara2,
Thank you for your comment, that was very kind. I didn’t find that I got many responses when I used to post before. It’s nice to know that somebody is out there reading how I feel, I feel like I need some support at the moment so again, I appreciate that.
I am incredibly blessed that I have a wife and child. I never believed that I would have what I have. It’s probably not a lot to most, but it’s a lot to me. I fully expected to turn out like my mum, and clearly there are signs that I have. Hopefully I can turn a corner now.
My wife has been really supportive and just accepted the situation we are in, even more so than me. She’s a sound, normal person and I am very lucky to have her. But her patience is growing thin and this is my last chance and I need to remember that any time I ever try to overcome the blocks I have in place to gamble. Normal me knows that it isn’t worth it, but it’s those times when I’m not focussed that my gambling happens.
Again I appreciate you kindly messaging and I wish you all the best with your recovery.
So the bank holiday weekend is over, I’m back to work today. When looking at my posts from previous years, there seems to be a pattern, I’ve tended to gamble after the grand national. There has been a lot of triggers this time around but I guess that’s where the pattern is. I will lose a lot of money and then not gamble for months and then do the same thing the next year. At least this time I’m at rock bottom and I can’t do it again. I’ve affectively stolen from my wife and baby to help us get through the maternity period which is low. By my wife taking control and me cancelling my card and having no access to the bank account and just having limited money, I can’t gamble, I also signed up for GamStop for 5 years, haven’t heard anything back after the automated email but hopefully I will do at some point.
Another thing that I’ve done from previous years is actually tell a few more people that I am a gambling addict. I’ve felt that it’s time that I admit it aloud now rather than keeping it secret. I have told 2 close friends who have been supportive and not judged, they are good people and I respect them. So it was hard for me to tell them as I didn’t want them to think less of me but they have been really good. I’ve also told my wife’s sister and Mum, they have also been good and just want me to get help. It was hard telling others and I did consider just putting a message out there to everyone that I’m an addict but I think that would have been unnecessary. I wouldn’t have been scared to do it but I thought it was best not to, I’ve already done more than previous years when I have tried to quit by telling people that are close and at least it’s out there. I also told them the amount I’ve gambled and lost as I felt it was important to tell them so they have the full details. I didn’t want it to look like I was playing it down.
Also different from previous years, I have decided to get some anti-depressants. I’ve never wanted to take them as I saw it as a sign of weakness, but to be honest, gambling £5000 is weak, me trying to sort it out isn’t. I never understood what a pill could actually do to change your mindset, so I was never too keen, but apparently there are things that it does that can help combat negative thoughts so it’s worth a try.
All in all, progress has been made, albeit small, I’ve been in this position a number of times where I’ve said that I’m going to stop, but this has to be it now, otherwise I’ll lose everything and I don’t want that.
The last few days have been incredibly difficult to process what I have done. In the past, I would have convinced myself that it was a bad experience but it’s ok, I’m on the road to recovery. I think now I truly understand the gravity of my actions and what the consequences are, and also if I don’t stop, that the consequences will be even worse.
I can’t seem to shake feeling low. I keep trying to think how I’m going to sort our finances for the next 8 months, I keep going over and over it and thinking how we are going to survive. The thought of not being able to do anything and just existing is a horrible feeling also. I keep coming to a point where I think I’ve worked out how we can get through and then I realise that there are other bills/expenses that I didn’t consider. I keep trying to think of amounts of money that can be saved here and there but then it just seems so pointless, the thought of saving £50 somewhere, in comparison to blowing £5000, it just feels whatever I do isn’t going to make up for what I’ve done in any way, shape or form.
I know the money is gone but I can’t shake the guilt and I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this.
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Thank you for your advice PositiveAction. I’ve always been the same when it comes to thinking, ‘what if’ etc, I’m not very good at drawing a line in the sand and saying what’s done is done. My wife has been getting annoyed as she is good at moving on from things and she says that we can’t move on from it if I keep moping about and being all woe is me. I beat myself up about everything in my life but I guess I have to change my mindset because it isn’t healthy and it isn’t fun to be around. I don’t want to not acknowledge my mistakes but I can’t let it weigh me down. That is a good quote about yesterday being of reference and not residence and I’ll have to keep that in mind. I always used to get annoyed about my mum always bringing up the past and I guess that’s what I’ve become in a way as I can’t let go of the guilt from things I’ve done in the past. My mum would constantly bring things up and make me feel guilty and I think this is where this has manifested from. Either way I need to get a grip, again, and be more positive. Although I will no doubt have my low days, but hopefully they will be fewer and far between in time. Thank you for taking the time PositiveAction to give me some advice. I felt like I needed some and yours was certainly useful.
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