Hey I've finally hit rock bottom.

Hi Green,

The mess you've made with your finances is done now, you can't turn the clock back. I know it will be hard but whilst you are working you'll be okay. Keep your head up. Can you let someone else control your money? (Mum and Dad). This is a must for you now. What barriers do you have in place to stop you gambling online? Use GAMSTOP software which is a free serivce and covers most of the large on-line bookmakers and casinos. Self exclude either from high street bookies or online sites. It is so simple to do, only if you really want to stop.

I cannot comment on how Step Change will react to the 3 missed payments, but if someone else is looking after your money then honesty may help, otherwise there are other debt charities out there.

I thought I could beat this addiction with only will-power, but the addiciton proved me wrong like it has with so many others. Weekly meetings at local GA meetings are what have helpedme for over 2.5 years. Without them I don't know where or what I'd be today. Accept you are "powerless to gambling" you cannot control it and will never be able to go back to it in any way or form.

Look at ways you can cut your monthly out goings. Dump the mobile phone contract etc. Can you house share and cut down on rent? Sometimes a reality check on out goings especially when accepting the addiction can help. In addiciton our minds are so messed up, we are so far from reality it is unreal! We only want reality when we need more funds, then we are soon back into the world of lies, deceit and the black hole our lives have become.

Did you call the GAMCARE helpline. I would do this, or like I've said above get to a local GA meeting (or even register on their forum.) Keep positive, head-up, there's a way out of this mess, you are not alone.

All the best.

Just a simple message really stop gambling !!! then you'll be ok i know its sounds tough but that the fact of the matter. My life only improved after i stopped.Easier said than done i admit but you can stop if you want to especially with the help of Gamcare which has really helped me.

best wishes Johnny57

Thanks for the replies guys I really do appreciate it.

@Johnny Yep, it’s a lot easier said than done. Especially when my life for the past year has been about gambling. As soon as I get home from work it’s onto pokerstars to play micro tournaments, running deep most times but just missing out on the big pay outs and then having to go to work with almost no sleep. Then when I have time off work and I’m broke I just want to sleep since doing anything else even if it’s watching a movie or reading isn’t appealing I can’t even focus on it half the time since Im just thinking about how I can get some more money to spend the day gambling, it’s really not much of a life at all. I’m going to look into gamcare more when I get home.

@Shep I have self excluded from the sites I use but there is so many online that I can easily just make another account or join a new site. I haven’t tried blocking using gamcare though I’ll have a look when I get home. I did give my debit card to my parents a few months back but I’m quite good at manipulating so quite often I can get it back when I need it even if I say to them not to. Every time I do have the best intention to quit then something in my life will go wrong and I’ll just jump right back into gambling to cope or perhaps even punish myself more? I can’t cancel my phone contract and I can’t pay less rent and a house share would be more expensive than living at home. The problem isn’t that I can’t afford to pay it off, I can but I can’t stop myself from gambling it away before it’s due out. I know I’m going to have to come clean to my parents about what has happened and ask them to take control of my finances again. It’s just working up the nerve to do it. As for GA meetings I honestly don’t think they are for me as I know people are in the same boat and I know the problem so I don’t see what use they will be to me, I don’t say that to be arrogant I just have never been a big believer in that kind of therapy.

I can’t argue with anything you have written, ALN. I have come to accept I am a slave to it and I know I have to close this dark chapter in my life and take action now I know I could make excuses as to why I’m continuing but I know deep down that I don’t really want to quit as gambling is my life and I can’t imagine how I would get the same rush from any other activity but I also realise that it’s not a realistic lifestyle that I can lead and I’ve known for a while that I will eventually have to quit sooner or later as the only other option is suicide which I won’t do as I couldn’t put that misery on my family. So as of tonight I’m going to seriously make it a goal to quit, no matter what. I’m going to call stepchange on my day off and find out where to go from here and if needed sort out a payment plan with my creditors if stepchange refuse to help me any further. I’ll give GA a chance as although I’m skeptical about opening up to strangers and personally believe it won’t work I won’t know until I give it a try. I’m going to keep posting in this thread to keep a track of my progress. I thank you for your honesty and I hope that I have the strength to do this.

Green2711,

You are no better or worse than any other compulsive gambler, that is FACT. Reading your replies above to Johnny57 and myself I would say you are still in denial about gambling. May sound harsh words, but I was the same up until December 2015 I'd have laughed in your face if you had said I had a problem with gambling. I didn't***t to stop, I was still only one BIG win (or session) away from the dream. I gambled at home, work and everywhere that had WIFI!

So when you say (quote):

"As for GA meetings I honestly don’t think they are for me as I know people are in the same boat and I know the problem so I don’t see what use they will be to me, I don’t say that to be arrogant I just have never been a big believer in that kind of therapy."

It's awful to read those word especially after reading you story. What do you want my friend, someone with a magic wand who can wave it and fix you? Most of us would like this but it ain't going to happen! What you will learn in GA should help, so don't knock-it without even trying. You can't beat this thing alone, your past record is evidence for this. Apart form denial, I tell you three other words that GA taught me to understand about myself and how to keep on the recovery track:

1. Ego

2. Maturity

3. Acceptance

Then read the support ALN has given you, especially the last sentence.

"Forget what you think, give GA a chance, no excuses. Otherwise, and I say this with honesty and sincerity, it's BS."

Rock-bottom isn't a good place to be, I was there February 2016. Then I found GA and I also found myself.

All the best what ever you choose.

I’m sorry if I offended you with that sentence, it wasn’t my intention. I have never been good at expressing myself or opening up to people and so I have always avoided this kind of therapy but nothing else has worked so I’m willing to give it a try. Believe me when I say I am not in denial at all, I know I have a serious problem and I’m trying to address it but at the same time I’m an addict and my brain is trying to fight any logic and is craving its next fix, I kind of feel like Gollum from LoTR, that quote “he hates and loves the ring as he hates and loves himself” is my feeling towards myself, gambling and my lifestyle . Normally I would just cave in and with depression it’s easy for me not to care about the consequences of my actions and how they are going to affect me but what does constantly play on my mind is that my selfish actions have repercussions on my loved ones and I can’t have that. I feel like I’m in a constant battle with myself. Right now I’m honestly quitting for my family and friends and because I’m in debt but if the thought of quitting so I don’t bring more misery on my family is what is going to help me quit then I’ll take that and eventually I can look back and be glad for myself also that I made the decision to quit. Like I said in my previous post I’m going to give GA a chance and writing down my thoughts and feelings on here is making me feel a bit more determined to quit for good so maybe I was being a bit hard headed with that sentence about GA.

Hi Green,

You are entitled to write what you like on here, so no need to apologise and i'm certain you havent offended anyone. As you say writing down how you feel helps you to get things off your chest and it will allow people to give you the best advice possible, so keep on posting how you are feeling, no matter how you think people will take it.

Shep & ALN have given you some home truths but it is all excellent advice, however its not up to you to take the actions needed. One thing from methough. You need to stop gambling for you...not for friends, not family and not for anyone else. The benefits you get from not gambling will feed its way down to these people but it will be you the really feels the benfits. You will learn this going forward though.

Anyway good luck with however you decide to tackle this addiction.
Damo

Hi Green,

In addiction we a selfish b@$tard$! in recovery we need an element of selfishness as well. I'm glad to read you will give GA a try. Depending where you live in the UK you may find several "local" meetings, some of which may suit your recovery more than offers.

Stop gambling for yourself no one else. And when you do the others, friends and family will see the difference in you and notice the difference. Debt is awful and stressful! Try put this behind you again, this damage is done. Yes it needs addressing. Did you contact Step Change again and tell them the truth about falling behind with payments? If so don't delay, if no joy with them get to Citizens Advice for further help. All these added frustrations and worries are food for the addiciton to feed off. I know this causes the feeling of being in a constant battle with one's self, which sadly were are in addiction. The number of late nights gambling which I did whilst my family slept peacefully upstairs, I hated myself but I carried on. Before bed I often looked in the mirror questioning what I had just done trying to find some forgiveness but from whom I don't know. Only then to be awaken by the morning alarm call, for me then to be looking at whatever sport fixtures and odds they were available for the new day. Crazy but that became the norm for my daily routine!

Recovery doesn't sound a great word, but its the best thing that has happened in my life since the birth of my daughter 5 years ago. Also recovery doesn't have to be a struggle, enjoy it, one day at a time, find yourself again andothers will see the new you. I've made some grreat friends through GA. Walks together, sporting events and other enjoyable social activities all help. With GA in your life you should never feel alone again.

Good luck and all the best.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story Green, much like many others and reading yours, I have been to the places you have in your head and also felt all the pain that come with it - battling constantly with the ‘other half’ of you who wants to deposit that last £10... I felt so exhaust with just constantly having arguments with myself about what an awful person I was, then justifying what I was doing in my head with comments like ‘I work hard and can so what I want with my money’ then feeling guilt at the pit of my stomach for days trying to make ends meet until pay day. I even lied to my daughter to lend some money from her to see me through ... that’s when I thought that’s it, enough! I also read some really inspiring and very insightful posts on here which have really helped. I too am with stepchange and have lied to them about missed payments before, but only on 2 occasions over 3/4 years so if I were you, speak to them and be truthful and they willl help you fend off the creditors but you MUST seek help from GA given how tou are feeling and that you can’t stop ... I’m lucky not to have had to go the GA BUT if I relapse again - which I WILL NOT - I would go to them ... I wish you lluck and pass on prayers of will power to you 🙂

Kaz x

Hi Green, reading your post and the other responses, it’s truly unbelievable how gambling has impacted people in different ways, I think you will be able to get through this if you want! NOW is the only time to really work on becoming Gamble free..As you are a year or so at this point of your life recognising you have a gambling addiction, I started 6 years ago! I have gambled ridiculous amounts of money away! I believe if I had put into practice previous advice on here 4 years ago I would have been in recovery a long time ago, use this site for comfo rt whenyou are low- or getting any urges, GameStop is amazing! I had the 1 to 1 sessions with the councillor from Gamecare, it was useful, however it didn’t stop me gambling, as I thought I was more intelligent than the councillor!! Wow, that’s true denial, I log on here every day to read, message, and gain strength from, sometimes for hours, this is actual therapy in its self, if you take on board what you read and how your really want this info to impact your mind set, we all have different stories of real life devastating times! Each and every person on here share the same thing, no matter if your are young,old,fat,thin,rich,poor,white,black,we want to stop gambling, open up and tell your loved ones, it’s the only way, gambling makes great liars, burying secrets harms our emotions, it’s scary when you mull it over how do I begin to try and explain who I’ve become to my nearest and dearest, there is no shame in it as, shame is logging on to gambling sites to give them your money!! Nothing beats that! Good luck, I’ll keep an eye out on here to see how you progress, wishing you the best.