Hi all I'm new here. And gamble free for five days

Hello all . Just wanted to introduce myself. I am new on here so hope I'm posting in the right place. My gambling began two years ago after getting the news that my ex partner and father of my youngest son had stage 4 lung cancer . I had to step up and support him and my son . He died within six months and his sister died with the same cancer three days later it was also during lockdown . I kept a smile on everyone's face and when I closed the door of the little room I was in at night I would start gambling online on slots . I won the jackpot twice in a week once and I was so happy. I think I was worried about how I was going to provide the support financially to my son and try and get him living with me he had lived with his dad  he had just turned 21. I was so protective of him he lost his dad and aunt in the same week there is another sister but her husband has cancer as well so I was the only suitable candidate to get my son his ant and dad through this . At the time I got strength I didn't know I even had and when alone I was getting the fix from gambling . I took the gambling as fun at the beginning. I then bought a book I won't tell you the name of it but it claimed to manifest things into your life. I read the book and set out a list of what I wanted to manifest . I started to accumulate everything I had asked for in fact I furnished my home and yes you guessed it I paid for it all with my winnings . I still didn't think I had a problem and when I got all I asked for I decided to stop gambling I had a ll ready been banned from a site for no reason other than the amount I was winning . My pledge to stop didn't work and before I knew it I had lost as much as I'd won that's when it really gripped me as I convinced myself I would get it all back but my gambling pot was running very low and by that time I was playing for £2 a shot . I eventually crumbled and sought help . I went to several GA meetings which kept me free of gambling for a few weeks . Some of the members advised me to get Gamstop and Gamban but I resisted .I was terrified at the thought of not being able to ever gamble again. I realise now in spite of the meetings I was still in denial I figured in a few weeks I would be ok I would just cut right back and have an odd gamble the way I used to before all this happened I also feel I wasn't getting the support I so needed so I talked myself out of being addicted to gambling . It didn't work and it became a daily habit . I had to lie to my partner and my family something I feel so ashamed of . I am here now because I had a total meltdown and phoned for help after telling my partner and family I felt suicidal and I knew I just had to stop . This time I asked for the Gamban and to be barred from anywhere I could gamble . My partner is running finances until I feel ok . I'm on day five of being gamble free I struggled today but feel ok now . I feel a sense of peace all the mind chatter about the gambling is gone but the urges are there but hopefully with each day they will lesson . I'm so grateful for this organisation who have helped me so much already . I lost myself and I want the real me back again and hope someday I will be able to help someone who is where I am now that is something worth doing this for and the only way forward for me now . I hope to make some friends here . MK