Honesty is the best policy..... sort of?

Morning everyone, i never thought i would find myself writing a post on anything related to gambling addictions but here i am and just as the topic says (honesty is the best policy) well sort of because i am writing this in private and anonymously in the hope it helps get things off my chest because at the moment am not ready to speak to family or friends regarding anything and to be honest am not sure i will. I have in the past to a small degree but this time around i am not ready nor do i think i will speak to them and this isn't because of arrogance or in anyway misleading but there is a number of factors that just don't allow me to.

The reason i am posting is because just like many others i feel as if i have hit rock bottom and to be honest i could tell the stories of how many times i have gambled and to what extreme and to what extent financially but i don't think that actually matters? numbers and figures etc... what i do know is i am miserable and i am struggling with it all and actually have a feeling inside of genuine 'enough is enough' (now i know many of us have said this time after time but something is different this time around it really is)

I am 37 and have been gambling for 20 years, i got myself into debt gambling, got myself out of debt gambling and then returned into debt gambling and as we all know its just one complete vicious circle! I have returned to this site over the past two days reading other peoples posts and REALLY relating to so much within them posts and i sympathise with each and every one of you and wish you all nothing but the best and luck with your own personal journeys and struggles. 

There is so many reasons and so many points within my life that i could pinpoint to why my gambling got out of control, at first i really enjoyed it and it was just a weekend football coupon at 17 but then the FOBTs took a hold which we all know develops into online gambling. The fact of the matter is i allowed it to take control and ignored the numerous warning signs along the past 20 years to take back control and deal with the issue because at the end of the day it is my fault and i am the only one who can make peace and make right by these terrible decisions. 

I have had such a difficult 17 years to say the least which hasn't helped, had a lot of trauma in my life but these past 3 years have been the most difficult within my life with numerous health issues, some niggly issues and some very serious issues which has fed into the self destruction of gambling. I acknowledge these struggles haven't helped but again am i right in not accepting that those pushed me into gambling more? 

I think i am at the mindset of it really doesn't matter how i first started, it really doesn't matter how it progressed, it really doesn't matter what life trauma or what life event or what poor health i have had, it really doesn't matter how much i have staked, lost or won, it really doesn't matter how much i got in debt, got out of debt and then returned in debt..... all that matters right now to me is accepting that this behaviour needs to stop because it is destructive on all levels of life. 

If you have taken the time to read the whole post then thank you, feel free to reply, ask questions, talk about anything because we are all in the same boat now aren't we? I have a minset, a plan, i feel strong enough to really go at this gambling self destructive behaviour and deal with it once and for all and i hope others do to and you know what if anyone doesn't feel the same way that is ok, its ok not to be ok but just try push yourself to do something about it, even if it is only something small and build on it...

I guess my something small to build on was this post?

Take Care.