Hi,
I am desperate for help in supporting my 28 year old son. He has been struggling with addiction for the past couple of years and the problem has escalated in the last 6 months. We have spent many thousands bailing him out as he has gambled to zero, has substantial debt and taken out pay day loans. He has been unable to pay his rent and debts to banks, friends and loan companies are mounting up. There are times when his level of engagement is minimal, he can be quite evasive and will isolate himself from family. Each time we have supported him financially he has promised he is "done with" gambling (said this on numerous occasions). I have provided him with details of gamcare and online courses as well as giving him motivational books about gamblers who have come out the other side. On one occasion he said he contacted gamcare (this was when we insisted as we were bailing him out) but he decided it is up to him to deal with the problem himself! Having suggested and supported constructive ways to change his lifestyle he has not done anything productive. We have just insisted his salary is transferred to us so we have at least been able to pay his rent this month but worried he will reverse this at some stage. He is currently staying with us due to corona virus measures and we have observed that he is drinking a lot of alcohol and we think money has also been going missing from the house. I really feel he is totally self destructing, he is on his way to having a stable professional job and it is so sad to see that he is placing it in jeopardy. I can't imagine he wants to live his life this way and feel powerless to help. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this post and I welcome any advice.
Hi Slidingdoors,
Welcome to the Forum. I’m sorry to hear that your son is struggling with a gambling addiction and that this has got worse in the last 6 months. I understand the desire to help your son by paying his gambling debts, but as many of our forum users discover this can just mask the problem. It is clear that you have provided him with a lot of support and we can understand how this can leave you feeling powerless. The good news is there is a lot of support available to help your son but he needs to be willing to take responsibility and accept the support. Â
Please know that you are not alone in this and that we are here to support those affected by gambling as well as those with the addiction. Your well-being is just as important, if you would like some additional space to talk about your situation and advice on how best you can support your son, we would encourage you to call the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or NetLine which are both open 24/7. The advisers will be able to provide information and support about how to move forward with the situation you are in.
Best Wishes
Clare
Forum Admin
Hi Sliding doors and welcome to the forum.
I have a lot of experience of this from the other side of the fence. Its a difficult situation but my best advice is that you give him moral support and tell him you love him but dont give financial loans as you are just throwing good money after bad and I dont know if he is ready for the born again moment of recovery.
Ive been there and I sense he is very depressed and on auto self destruct. It must be heartbreaking for you to see but there is hope if you can get through to him on the right level.
Its a drug addiction and it has a strong grip on him. You have a major issue of loving him as a son but facing the reality that he will possibly bring debt collectors to your door.
It has to be a tough love you give him but balancing it with building his esteem to face the world. Very difficult as the whole thing is not your fault. He needs your love and moral support to build esteem...the rest falls into place if he is ready to accept help
I was depressed for decades because I hated my job, hated the world and hated myself...With hindsight it was mainly self esteem issues as I felt life had been cruel to me (it had in many ways as I lacked the confidence and was a soft target for bullies in school and the workplace.
Gambling had always been my escape from the world but it was totally destroying me.
My parents never rteally helped me because they didnt know how to...they just saw it as an issue of greed and stupidity which it is not.
You have to get pro active in ensuring he goes for some help and gets the help he needs. he may need financial advice and his creditors may need to know he has or had a gambling problem. Im afraid you have a job on but should see the reward of proper help
You have to be tough in that he is an addict and living under your roof which can lead to confrontation that nobody needs.
If you are willing to help him you do need to protect your finances and he needs to build a pride about living within his means. Im sad to say that means no money lying around the house or life savings in biscuit tins...that ends now as he is not in full control of his own mind when it comes to dealing with gambling and money
With knowledge strength and a support network you will learn to help him but he has to be ready to help himself...If you can get him to a GA meeting take him and gently push him through the door.
What he needs is the humility to face himself and to help others.
Im not saying its easy. I dont know if hes going through the angry young man phase coupled with a destructive addiction.
Its that fine line of helping him in the right way. My parents never knew how to . I suppose I cant really blame them but I do feel hurt in hindsight because I grew into a much better person. Giving me money at the time was not the answer though as I just gambled it. My parents threw money at me in a panic and it just led to bitterness and grudges later in our relationship. Make no mistake that its an addiction so powerful that I defrauded my parents by asking for money and lying about the reasons. I am truly ashamed of that now but was done to be evil...it was a survival instinct to feed me some food and feed an addiction
Thats my story though and you can make this history with the right help
Best wishes from everyone on the forumÂ
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Many thanks Clare.
Hi Joydivider
I am very grateful to you for sharing your knowledge and experiences. Thank you for your support and advice. I hope we can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!
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