How do I know if he's stopped?

Heya,

More than happy to give me ten cents on the argument........

I’m an ex gambler. In recovery, recovery forever. As an ex gambler I wanted to distance myself from gambling as much as I could. I wouldn’t “help” a friend, and I certainly wouldn’t have any control over my own money, let alone anyone else’s.

It sounds like you are suspicious so I could say run with those suspicions. He could be telling the truth but I would let it be known......when our gambling options are limited we would still find ways to gamble.

If he has access to your bank account, do you have access to his? Can you see what he spent the money on?

We will always look for a means to gamble.......which is why it’s quite a horrid condition as really it isn’t who we really are. Gambling clouds the judgment of people...,....best talk to him.

If he wants to quit then you’ll both work on serious blocks, honesty, you’ll probably control his money for a while.

It’s very progressive, but then recovery is progressive and gets better over time. It only works with complete honesty and transparency. From what you’ve written it does sound like he is looking for ways to gamble, so make sure you safeguard yourself. I highly recommend safeguarding your finances by not allowing him access while you find out what is going on.

Personally, when I made the decision to quit I made blocks, was open, transparent and did everything I could not to expose myself to it. Is he doing it? You deserve to know what he is doing as it can massively impact your future. Gamanon can really help.

Take care,

Abet

Just to clarify.....a lot of that was said from the perspective of still being in gambling mode. A lot of gamblers on here have quit for many years and offer a wealth of advice. Now, after two years I couldn’t think of anything worse. Just trying to get across the point that In free fall, when I gambled, i would do whatever to gamble. It changes, distorts and takes hold of you. I don’t know him, would never say he is a bad person but gambling changes people for the worse. But there are many stages in recovery, gambling truly makes you feel helpless, alone, even when you have the closest relationship. Great communication and a certain level of scrutiny really is required to put your mind at rest!

Thanks

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

It's complicated with the bank account situation - he has access to mine because he set a sky bet account up in my name (before I was aware of the addiction) he told me it was because new members got a good deal, so we set it up and I thought he had closed it, but later realised he was still using it. This was the point that I confronted him and spoke to his mam about it. But I later found out that he has used the account again for free bets.

At the moment I am trying to be supportive without being intrusive.

Again, thank you so much for your help.

Good luck to you, and well done on being 2 years free! x

Hi Maria, welcome to the forum 🙂

In a word...Yes!

The reason he has set an account up in your name is because he wants to gamble & can’t do it in his name for some reason! If he was simply fraudulently claiming promotions that he isn’t entitled to, he wouldn’t need to transfer money into it! Your bank account is for your use only & using either without you there in agreement is illegal so nevermind being miffed that he didn’t tell you, it doesn’t do you any good to be too understanding here. It’s not intrusive to know what is going on in your own accounts!

If I were you, I would get him to access the betting account for you so that you can exclude/shut it down. I personally would also ensure that my bank were made aware of a security breach so that new account details can be created as a compulsive gambler can’t be trusted with their own accounts let alone anyone elses!

His mum is “managing his finances” for a reason, whether that’s her doing because she has bailed him out or because he has asked her to help, it is irrelevant, he is using you to continue gambling & is pulling the wool over her eyes. If you get on well enough with her, you need to have that discussion. My mother is a CG (as am I) & she has periodically traded her bank card over the years for sums of money, often to so many people, all sworn to secrecy that money coming into the account can’t cover the repayment plans she has agreed with them all. Whilst looking after her finances, to help her, I have also used her card to override my own gambling restrictions, transferring money into it so that I could withdraw much more than my reduced (set up by me in order to try & help me) daily allowance would allow.

Support is fantastic for a compulsive gambler working @ their recovery but you need to educate yourself on what is support & what is enabling because @ the moment you’re on the wrong side of the line & are leaving yourself wide open to financial damage. You need to educate yourself on this, get help from GamCare or GamAnon (there should be meetings in your area) & disassociate all of your finances immediately.

Sorry if this comes across as being hard hitting, there’s no point me dressing it up for you because addiction is harsh & if you are in a relationship with an addict, you have to know what you’re up against. The amounts of money don’t matter so don’t get too caught up in that, what matters is openness & honesty but you don’t seem to be getting much of that @ the moment so please, try & figure out how to take care of you - ODAAT