Husband Relapsed again

Hey djos, obviously I can't say for sure but being the compulsive gambler I find it difficult to believe he stopped for ten years. Anyway in the grand scheme of things it's not really relevant, what's relevant is the here and now. Unfortunately for you you are going to have to take charge and decide what is best for you and your sons. My husband found out about my gambling addiction and whilst it is an addiction there are ways of arresting it and living gamble free. My husband left me under no illusion that unless I sought help and stopped it was over and that he wouldn't go through this again. So the ball is firmly in my court and now I'm 6months gamble free, I never had the strength to tell him even though the addiction was consuming me and I was acting in a way that made me feel ashamed. I actually wish he'd found out sooner but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Lay the cards on the table he can get better with hard work it's not easy but it is so so worth it ! For me to stop I excluded myself from everything for the max 5 years( this is renewable when time is up ) my husband took full control of our finances everything is transparent. Gambling addiction is essentially a mental illness and my mental health was really bad anxiety/depression etc. I had 8weeks counselling arranged by the awesome Gamcare and then by sharing and listening on here I found GA . I'm just trying to give you good for thought and most compulsive gamblers would tell you that they have used these tools to stop. Not a cure there is no cure but by keeping barriers up and not letting the addiction close you can live gamble free. You must not feel guilty at what you choose to do if he wants to carry on as a family he will do what needs to be done. Good luck and best wishes

Thank you Charlieboy  for your reply,it is good to hear from someone who have been through the process.
My husband had a few weeks of counselling previously which was 5 years ago (sorry on my message it said 10 years since he stopped ,it was only 5 yrs) which he went for only because of threatening to leave him.
My children are my priority so I want to do everything possible for them.

Hi ,

I just would like to tell you all that I have told my husband that he has two options either he get help which I would support him as much as I can and we live as a family or one of us will have to move out as it is not pleasant for any of us.It took me long time to trust him after last time but the trust is broken again.

We have separate bank accounts and I do not know what goes on in his account.

He has Gamban on his phone and on all devices.He put Gamstop on his bank account.Also he made a call to Gamcare this morning and agreed with me that he will do the 8week course Gamcare offers. I still am not sure how much he wants to stop and how will I know if he is not going to bookies etc.

As much as it is a relief he did all the above,I still don’t know if it will work or is he just saying all the right things to me so that we live together.Not sure what to take of it all !!

Hi djos, he's doing the right things so time will tell if he's serious or not most compulsive gamblers if they are truthful would tell you that they had several attempts trying to get through with willpower and a 'wing and a prayer ' For me relying on willpower was a waste of time ,my willpower has kicked in now as determination to succeed but I will never test myself and stop using the blocks it's not worth it . Why would I rock something that is working. There is a way to self exclude from the bookies I can't remember sorry what it's called never been my thing ,Gamcare advisors will tell you. I wish you all the best hope life improves for you

Ahh lightbulb moment. I think it's MOSES

Thank you for your prompt reply charlieboy . It is good to know that someone is listening to my worries and willing to help me find the right way. My husband always told me that I am unnecessarily worried about his gambling , again I am sure that is part of his gambling addiction.

 I will speak to him about MOSES .Let’s hope all goes is in the right direction.

I have no idea what is going on with my husband at the moment!  He says he had self excluded from all the gambling sites (he has gamban on his phone and all the devices at home) Gamstop for bank transactions,he hasn’t yet done MOSES . He is working at least 4 nightshifts in a week and sleeping until kids are back from school ( trying to escape us having to discuss things in detail ) 

Not sure how to approach the subject of me taking  control over the finances as he kicked off big times previously  when I said to him to let me look after the finance. He said to me that I am the  cause of him  gambling which I know is his way of manipulating the facts to shut me up.

He rang Gamcare last week and apparently he was waiting for a call on Monday but he didn’t get all call.He says he is going to do the 8 weeks course but I don’t see any sign of him doing anything apart from his work courses ! How does it work? I am not sure if all he said to me is true or not?How do I gently push him to a GA meeting? Please help 

It feels like I am back to where I was when I started writing this thread.

Hi Djos, do you think that he wants to give up gambling or has he been backed into a corner and he has nowhere to hide?

I don’t think he would have done anything to stop if I hadn’t found out.He knows that I will leave if he doesn’t do all that I have mentioned above and I think that is the only reason he is agreed to do it.

He told me multiple times that he hasn’t caused me any debt which is not true! Our accounts are separate and he never wants me to see his accounts and what goes on in there.He loves our boys dearly and I think that is the main reason he said he would do things to stop gambling.

Well it's a start, he has made some changes but the fact that he won't be transparent about finances is worrying. Hes doing the minimum he thinks he needs to do to appease you, and avoiding deep conversation as he's not ready to give any more. I wish I had a magic solution for you but it has to come from him no one can fix him, none of this is easy and I know you're frustrated. Fingers crossed he can get some time away from gambling and with a clear head he might see a way forward into recovery.

Hi Djos,

I was just reading your post and it reminded me of my husband re his account.  Before he came clean he had an account I have no access to.  I can’t see how much the balance is or what’s coming in and out.  He had all the excuses to prevent me from seeing it.  After a year, I realize that it’s because it had gambling transactions and I would have seen it if I had checked.  
So the fact that he won’t be completely transparent with his account is worrying.  If I was you I would demand that he gives you full access.  There’s nothing you can do with the past but you surely can see if he is truly not doing it now.  

I have two girls too, a 7 year old and a newborn.  So like you, I am trying to be here and support him through this.  However I was clear to my husband that this is it.  I can’t keep going in this cycle of chaos and destruction.  He needs to change and fix himself.  Whatever it takes otherwise I have no choice but to leaves 

Best wishes, 

TF 

Thank you TF&Charlieboy,

How does the GA program for the gamblers work?My husband had signed up to do the modules and did his first yesterday and he doesn’t seem to have much of  an idea of how the program works ie,what order ! I am not sure if he is not taking things seriously as he should or is he trying to fool me again .

I really don’t think my husband is ready to quit it yet even though he says he is not gambling and doesn’t really care about it!! He is working the most hours he can,do not care about what I feel about his gambling and not being at home. 
He is still secretive about his money transactions. Not sure if he ever will stop !!!

I have been reading most of the posts here to work out my husband’s behaviour.Thank you for all the honest advise as it is has helped me.He has started counselling but he seems to have lost the interest a bit which I find worrying.(I am having counselling as well which GA have kindly arranged for me and is helping me)

I would like  to know what I can do to separate our finances as I do not trust my husband anymore as it clearly showed that he is not someone I can ever trust .We have a mortgage together and I pay most of the bills.Also there are loans which he had taken and I stupidly taken over from him in the past.He has credit cards who he needs to pay off as well which I will not be getting involved.

Any help would be appreciated as it would put my mind at rest knowing that at least me and the kids would have a roof over us if he goes back to gambling again.