I've finally accepted my issue

Hi,

I’m new to this so please go easy on me.

Where to start.... I’d like to think I’m a normal guy, fun loving, good looking, confident, smart, determined, caring, everything else a 29 year old with a good upbringing should be. I didn’t pick those phrases myself btw, my wife told me them, as she packed her bags and left me because of this stupid, pointless and completely destructive addiction.

It feels weird writing this, I’ve always been sporty, focused on my family and my career and gambling was never anything more than a few dollars over a beer on a football match. Over the last 8 years, my life changed and I’ve been completely committed to my incredible wife. Gone are the days of wishing I could marry Julia Roberts or Jennifer Aniston, I was lucky enough to marry the most amazing, caring, beautiful, funny (the list goes on) woman in the world, and she had fallen for me. We had everything going for us, nice house, nice cars, good jobs, holidays, amazing families, but somehow it wasn’t enough. I would see the pictures of friends with nice things and want that for us, I’d see the nicer cars or the longer holidays and want that. What I now know, sitting here in the corner of an empty house not having seen my wife for days, is that what I had, even if just my wife with a roof over our heads and our bills paid, was more than enough for me!

Now here’s the problem, it started with a few dollars, then a few hundred and one night a few thousand. One night I won $8000 (this was overseas hence the $) off just a $1 spin on a machine, I never play machines, and I think that’s what started it. I paid off my credit card and cleared some bills and was able to book a holiday. It was too easy, from that point on I’d gamble pretty much every week, at least 3 or 4 days, but always within my limits and nothing more than $50-$100 a week. Sometimes I won, and the money went on nice things and nice days out, but sometimes I lost, luckily I had my limits and if I lost I lost, I didn’t try to win it back it was just a crappy week. That’s when it got worse, over the last few years things happened, relocation, jobs changed, family deaths, lost baby, sick wife. When I was young and dumb I took out a loan for $10,000 for an ex partner and within 6 months was left paying that debt that had somehow skyrocketed to $12500 and wasn’t even mine. I started to gamble more as a way of forgetting the pain or unhappiness, until it got to a point where I was in over my head. I owed money I couldn’t pay, I was trying to find ways to tell my wife the money had gone or been used on things it hadn’t, selling things I shouldn’t have done, this is for me, my lowest point. Lying, and deceiving the one person, that looked at me like I was her everything, killed me, more and more each time, but as I’ve now learnt from speaking to people over the last few days, that’s part of what happens to us. I would start chasing my losses, something you should never do and I had never done before, I’d bet $100 on a horse I knew nothing about, or I would put $250 on a football match knowing full well it wasn’t going to happen but just hoping and praying it would give me back some of the money I needed. Before I knew it I had nothing, I remember the day I finally realised I had a problem, I won money, and whilst I was collecting it I remember thinking, right now what can I bet on with all of this. I’d given up all of my activities, I no longer played sport, I had stopped going to the gym, myself and my wife spent more nights in at home, watching tv and sitting on our phones. We seemed happy, to other people, and to a degree to each other, because we love each other, but looking back now I was ruining all of that, and for what?! A few extra dollars to buy something we didn’t need, a few extra dollars to get a nicer car that still gets you to the same place in the same time as our existing nice car. The money I’ve wasted should have been in the bank, it should have gone on a house or anything other than what it did.

I could sit here all day and think about the stupid decisions I’ve made, hell I’ve been doing that for the last couple of days, I’ve not slept a wink, I’ve not been able to see or kiss my wife, I’ve not even been able to cook. I love cooking her dinner!!

What this forum has taught me is that the first step is admitting your issues, and being able to openly talk about them. Granted not everybody will want to hear them or has the right attitude to even want to help or try to understand, but I’m lucky, I have an amazing family. I’m seeing my wife tonight to talk, I know she is going to have a million questions, and even if she doesn’t, for the first time in so long I’m really looking forward to being able to tell the truth and not have to cover anything up.

It isn’t forever, it is curable, it is something that can be forgotten and forgiven , I’m just hoping I can get to that point where I have my old life back, the life that I took for granted and that looking back at, so many other people would have jumped at having. I’m very confident I can, I’m a strong person and as much as this is definitely rock bottom for me I am lucky enough to have experienced pure happiness with my wife and that is now my goal, to get that back and to fix what I have broken not just with her, but in all walks of life.

So I’ve put plans in place, I’m already 75% on track to fix the problems that I’ve recently caused financially, luckily I’m in a position that whilst I was driven and working hard, I took the advice of a colleague and made sure to invest money from my salary every pay in a share portfolio. It wasn’t supposed to be used to clear a gambling debt, but at least it can be used to help me get past this horrible time in my life. I’ve started exercising again, I’ve walked 25 miles in 2 days. I had a shave, something to eat and told myself I’m better than this. Sometimes it’s the little things.

The next step will be to win back my wife, I know she still loves me and i know we can be as happy as we once were (she will correct that if it’s not the correct were or where), but I know I need her to help me through this. Convincing our family I’ve changed will be a harder task, albeit one I’m actually looking forward too. I needed to acknowledge his problem, it’s a shame it’s come to this to do that, but I feel I’ve been screaming out for help in all the wrong ways the last few years, when really I should have just told the truth. I was ashamed, embarrassed, broken and very scared, but what I have now come to realise is that you shouldn’t be any of those things, because we have people in our lives that love us and that’s why they’re in our lives. They will help us through things, but we need to be honest and open with them in order for that to work. Isn’t hindsight a beautiful thing.

Oh, and I haven’t gambled for 13 days now!!! I’ve made sure any online accounts are closed, I’ve changed my bank account so I can’t use the card that was linked to some accounts and I’m actually, for the first time in years, looking forward to being able to pay a bill with hard earned money, and not the winnings from a donkey in a 50 horse field on a dirt track in India! I feel fresher than I have in a long time, I’m looking forward to proving that I can do what I have set my mind to and I’m looking forward to telling you all how I’m getting on in a few weeks time.