I have been here before! I managed on my own last year for about 4 months but thought I could have 'one go' and not get hooked again... God I was wrong! I am now 25 and hugely ashamed of myself. I have a 7 year old son and a husband of 3 years. My marriage really ins't going to last much longer if I carry on this way. I have 3 credit cards which are maxed out, one of £400, £1200 and £1500 and a loan of £1000 (all spent on gambling). Don't get me wrong, I had good intentions when I took them out, a clean start I thought. I have a good job, respectable job and from an outsider I am sure everything looks dandy, but I am crying inside for help.. I just cannot bring myself to ask for it. My husband is really on the cusp on leaving me, i know it. If he hears one more time 'I promise I won't do it again, I have self excluded from all sites' he will lose his mind and put more holes in the door (he is not aggressive at all with me but takes his frustration out on the furnitue) which although I don't blame him, it makes me even more mad and I just want to jump onto the laptop or phone and spend loads of money on gambling sites. I am such a bad person, I can feel it. I am being a terrible mother and wife. If I am being honest, alot of the time I would rather play online slots than sit and colour with my child.. what a monster! I am crying as I read this because I know I have reached my limit with this whole thing. I spent £130 tonight (went over my credit card limit) and I know my husband is just waiting for a text saying I am sorry I have done it again. I feel like I just need days behind me of not doing it, I have done it before but I just don't believe I will manage it again. I know there are people on here that can really help me and give me the motivation I need, when I first became a member, there was one person in particular who really cheered me on, I often wonder how he is and if he managed to stay away from the dreaded gambling. Anyway, I have really gone on a bit now and probably boring you to tears. I hope I wake up tomorrow and DONT check my emails looking for some free spins. Much love, silver x
Hey silver, you can do it, don't look for your bonus or free spins there only there to draw you back in you may win a few quid but you will put it back in and then more and within no time at all you will feel just as you do right now but worse as your hole grows deeper, if anything can make you change your vice its your 7 year old baby I know because it's my babies that have made me get a grip I'm on the forum tonight as it's hard when I can sleep not to go on a site so I choose this site, I've chosen deep spring cleaning and random walks at other times it's not easy but I'm trying for my babies and I know you can get back there too xx
Hi total. Thanks for your words. I am feeling positive this morning but already thought about checking emails. Yes I find housework really helps keep my mind occupied. I can't tell you how much I love my little boy, my heart could explode sometimes yet it's not enough for me to stop wasting all this time/money. Anyway, this is day 1, I know it gets easier after the first few weeks as i have done it before and god it feels good... hoping I can get those days under my belt again. Silver x
You can, you've done it before and I'll tell you what lets do it together for our babies, we can do this 🙂 xx
Lets do this Total xx Thank you so much x
Hi Silverlining
First of let me congratulate you on an awesom screen name!
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it at the moment but you can do this. If you managed to go 4 months without gambling it shows you can resist the urge.
Other people on here mentioned trying to distract yourself, I find this a huge help. I used to gamble every lunchtime in the bookies, now instead I go for a long walk to keep myself away from that god awful place. I can really say it has helped me immensley and is a great way to distract yourself from thoughts of gambling.
Wish you the best and good luck with your recovery, you can do this!
SL
Londoner and SL - thank you very much for your encouragement, it really means the world. I am super sorry we seem to have the same name, it used to be blackcloud but another user thought it would be a better idea to have a positive name rather than a negative one and to be honest, it feels better! I will change it if you wish? Distraction is working a treat, I have baked cakes today and taken my little boy swimming, both things are free and so enjoyable making memories with my child (I am ashamed to say that I have wasted alot of time on gambling when I should have been paying attention to him). I am absolutely fixated on this website now though, I dont know if that's good or bad? Today is the start of something really great, I just need to keep telling myself that. Thank you again friends, I love reading your posts xx
Hi Silverlining,
No of course I don't mind you keeping your username, you were using it before me! Great minds must think alike 🙂
Nothing wrong with being fixated on the website it's better then being fixated on gambling.
Glad the distractions are working for you, I really found them helpful especially in that first week period.
Wishing you the best
SL
Hi Silver
Just read your post, as already quoted by others you can do this you have before. I only posted a few days ago after a terrible last 5 years of lies and deception which made me very ill. I managed to get into a programme via gamcare and am already 2 sessions in and am under the GP. I think this site is so useful but perhaps you could benifit from some one to one with a proffesional. I am now over 2 weeks without a bet and am feeling positive about my future.. If you get the help that is out there free I am sure your husband will support you... He obviously loves you dearly. Save your money for your family and future, try and think of time before gambling and get back to real silver.
Good luck and keep us all posted
Yay to the baking and swimming 🙂 .. I am totally on this site a lot at the mo but I think it's good to log in here then anywhere else, addicted to change let's call it 😉 xx
Hi, sorry to hear of your relapse but you did it before and you can do it again. Your not a monster or a bad person you have a type of illness/addiction. Have you put the K9 software on your phone and computer? Have you tried handing the finances over to your husband so that he can see you want to give this up? You have to draw a line under the losses as this drives you mad and urges you to gamble. There's counselling available through a referral from your GP if you feel you need it. I've found that this site helps me as there is so much support and it fills the time that you would spend online playing awful slots etc that even if you won you would soon put it all back and more. Think of your daughter, xmas is not far away. Good luck and stay positive on this journey of getting your life back x take care
Anon and Total, thank you both... I have been on here 4 times already tonight and it's only 7.45!! Addicted to chnage sounds good to me xx
Lol but if it's keeping you gf does it matter, stay positive x x
I keep checking in 🙂 ... It's actually really helping.. The ease of my phone made my addiction to gambling so easy.. Now hopefully my phone can now be a tool in my recovery xxx
Hi Silver lining... Reading your diary for me is like looking in the mirror. I am on day 7 now and think if I hadn't had told my partner today I may have failed. Onto day 8 tomorrow , can't wait to feel what a normal pay day feels like that I don't binge waste
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
