I can stop.

That's what I'm telling myself. This is my first real attempt at trying to stop.

I'm 23, I've been addicted to gambling since my early teens. What first started off as something I done in online games, quickly turned into what I'd spend all of my money on.

I was always under the impression I was smart and that I'd win and make it back it some point. I fell in love with poker and sports betting. I quickly stopped playing poker when I didn't have the patience to sit still and play tournaments that lasted hours long and pretty much just stuck with sports betting.

Gambling screwed me up in so many ways, yet it still remained a priority over so many things. I lost relationships, the spiral of depression it puts me in caused me to drop out of university as I lost all motivation to do anything but wait until I got money so I could gamble again.

Every single pay day, I gambled away every penny I received within hours. It makes me sick to think about it. It makes me loathe myself. I had taken out so many pay day loans and borrowed money from family and friends that I never paid back. 

The worst happened last summer when my Mum had asked me to hold onto her savings in an account of mine. About £15,000. It was fine for a few weeks, I never touched it. Then I borrowed money from it but paid it back before it got noticed. Although when it was almost a month until I got paid and I had access to that money, I couldn't stop myself. I really should have been able to acknowledge where I was with it and have refused to hold onto it.

Within the space of a few weeks, I had gambled away all of that money. I was disgusted at myself every night, but I always figured I'd win it back, even then after years of losing everything, I was still delusional.

After it was all gone, I just lay in bed and wept. I thought to myself about how much I could scramble together before she would realise, but at least then I was conscious to the fact I'd just gamble it away. I considered ending it all, but I knew that would be the worst thing I could do to my mum.

I came clean with her, we both cried and this was the worst time to do something like this as she required the money for a deposit on the house. She forgave me, I agreed to pay her back which so far I've been giving £1000+ per month of my wage since December.

The problem is that wasn't the end of it. I've still taken every penny I still have left over and gambled with it, I sit and do 20 hours of overtime in my work each week just so I can keep gambling more. I feel like I can't talk to my Mum more about this, whilst she was understanding originally I can't stomach talking to her about it again.

I've finally signed up for gamstop, but I had no problem gambling before I was 18 and I'm concerned I'll just find a way around it when pay day rolls around this month and I return to the cycle of self hatred. But I don't want that. I'm scared to continue, but I'm also not sure what comes next, I feel like I don't know what life is like without being addicted to gambling. I need to stop. I can stop.