I’m drowning in secret

Hi

I have turned 50 years of age attending recovery meetings.

I am a non religious and found that any one can find a much life abstaining from unhealthy addiction and unhealthy obsessions.

Pains in my life caused me to live in fear and I also lost my confidence and self esteem.  

I like many people thought that work was very stressful.

In time I understood that I was stressing my self out for some silly fear based issues.

The word disguise would indicate that my hurt inner child still lived in so many fears.

For me my secrets just indicated how much fear I was not facing or reducing.

By attending recovery meetings would help me got more honest and open with my self.

Being ashamed of myself just indicated I was living in many pains of my past and my fears were so over whelming..

In time I would find that I did not want or need to gamble simply by one day at a time.

To help my self I handed over all my finacnes to my wife.

I understand today that gambling was in effect self abuse and self neglect.

By gambling I was causing my self more and more pains.

And as those pains increased so did my fears.

I needed so much help and advice yet thought that be talking out for my self I was being the victim.

In truth by asking for help indicated my strengths and my willing ness to seak help nurturing and encouraging for my self.

No one could stop me gambling.

No one could stop me lying to my self.

No one could help me if I was not willing to help my self.

My lies indicated how much fear I was living in.

Deep down I had a healthy conscience and in time by going to meetings I found a much healthier way of living with out my addictions and obsessions.

Your courage to be honest with your self is a big step towards recovery and healing the hurt inner child in you.

Thank you for your sharing adn your new found inner strength.

Healing Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi Bodd I hope your well-

Well done admitting your problem things can only go up now.

I'm 32 and have struggling with gambling so much I decided to stop on the 15rh September. 

I  am fighting the urge to  gamble as its so fun to win.

I am now ahead on my bills for a change and saving a lot more.

You can do this we all have fate in you  

Regards 

Ahta

@lcma1d7psr  Hi mate and well done with your post.  You have identified the issue.

I was exactly like you last year.  I finally told my wife and had a full scale breakdown.  I had been gambling in secret for 20 years and was going to do something very stupid if I did not stop.

Firstly, don't underestimate people around you.  I did and did not tell anyone about my issues.  It was hell for years and I really wish I had opened up about the gambling sooner.  It is easy to build it up in your head so much that you would rather die then let people know, but this is false reasoning.

My wife was disappointed, shocked hurt etc  but mostly wanted me to be okay.  She could only give me the support as I told her.

Please.  Think about what I just said and tell someone.  You have already opened up here and that is the 1st step.

Secondly (and I say this with genuine care as a fellow GA) I want to call you out on something that you wrote.  No medication has gambling as a side effect.

There are medications that may lower our ability to regulate our actions and make us more impulsive though.  However it is you who is gambling, not the medication.  If you blame the meds then you are absolving yourself of responsibility and you are not taking control.  I did the same myself only with alcohol, which I used to self medicate until I got the support I really needed.

Right now I could gamble and blame it on a stressful job, family pressures, past trauma, alcohol, ADHD ect these are contributing factors but the real reason I was gambling was me.  We need to own it.

For now well done on your post.  Please think about talking with your partner, I doubt it will be as bad as you have mentally pictured.

Well done admitting you have a problem. 
I can resinate with your post. Please don’t feel alone. 

no one chooses to be an addict! It’s a disease that can be controlled although very very difficult. 

You can be gamble free taking one day at a time. 

register with Moses and gamban. 50 is a good age for a new start. 

the chat rooms in here are super supportive, you feel less lonely and less alien. 

please take care 

stay strong. Look forward not back. 

Well done admitting you have a problem. 
I can resinate with your post. Please don’t feel alone. 

no one chooses to be an addict! It’s a disease that can be controlled although very very difficult. 

You can be gamble free taking one day at a time. 

register with Moses and gamban. 50 is a good age for a new start. 

the chat rooms in here are super supportive, you feel less lonely and less alien. 

please take care 

stay strong. Look forward not back. 

Welcome to the forum and congrats on telling your secret to us. The first step in beating this is recognition. You’ve done that. The next step is accountability. You’ve lied to everyone. It’s not your fault. If you you think in anyway this can be resolved without impacting others then you may have a chance if you take all the advice you can. If this could impact others then you have to come clean. If you don’t, it will come out. This will not end well. Time to be accountable. It shows commitment to being truthful and to addressing this. It’s the toughest thing you’ll ever do, and you’ll be surprised at the support you might receive. It’s also a huge step in recovery. Secrets are the safety net for gamblers. Having the secret out there takes that away. 

If you can’t tell family, tell a friend. This needs to be out there to have a chance of beating it. No more secrets. It’s the only way forward.

I say this as my opinion only, but for me, that release was what I needed to hit this head on. Being accountable only to yourself makes this 300% harder.

stay strong 💪 

Hi, 

Massive well done for posting on here, it can be a really hard thing to do. 

Trouble is with a gambling addiction - it wants you to lie, keep secrets. The only way to try and beat it is to be completely transparent and accountable. 

As above, don’t underestimate your loved ones. They may well be upset and hurt but this is an illness you’re battling with. 

My gambling went on for almost 5 years in secret, I took out credit cards and loans in my husband’s name without him knowing. He’s still here now! 

I’m almost 15 months GF now! But I was you not that long ago. Take each day at a time and be kind to yourself.

Claire x

Posted by: @lcma1d7psr

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On the verge of turning 50, family life is good, works a ball of stress, and I go through every day being the master of disguise with my horrible little secret. I’m so ashamed of myself. We should be financially secure but with what I’ve wasted online gambling we just get by  I need to stop and don’t know how. I take meds that have gambling as a bloody side effect and I think that may have been a factor in things getting out of control. I need the meds and the alternative doesn’t work for me so I need help or advice if anybody has any. I’m drowning in my own deceit and I’m the most honest in every other way. I feel disgusted with myself and having known for some time this is me just building the courage to say it out loud 

Hi

Secrets means we are living in fears due to the pains we are not healing.

Pains not healed and those pains caused fears in me that I did not understand.

While filled with pains and fears I am missing out of healthy emotional intimacy.

I was told that going to the meetings and giving honest therapies would open me up and reduce my fears. 

The therapies are for me so that in time I have a healthy voice.

For me the unhealthy addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse.

I understand that feeling guilty ashamed and in regret that I have a healthy conscience.

The unhealthy addictions and obsessions just indicated that I had certain emotional triggers.

It was important to go to meetings to find a much healthier way of life.

I am asked if you have not gambled for over 32 years why still go to the meetings.

I go to the meetings so that I find ways of becoming a much healthier person today.

The meetings help us abstain from unhealthy habits.

The meetings help us help our selves and in time help other people.

When I go to the meetings I see and feel my self in other people.

And in time I found that I did not want or need to gamble that day.

Clean time can not be lost.

In time I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits and take up healthy habits.

Being in recovery I am not alone any more.

Healing love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Being on here means you are trying to find a solution. I slipped more than once but the last time was the worst. I ended up in a lot of debt and a very dark place. First of all, I got help. I put all the blocks in place and then admitted to myself I needed therapy - someone to talk to and my gamcare therapist has been great. It took me over 3 months to tell my husband, who was devastated, but I had to be able to show him I had put in 3 months of work to prove I could "walk the walk" and I think that made a big difference. He forgave me and we've been working on trust (especially with money) since.

I was also on medication that had gambling as a side effect. I thought i had ADHD but the truth was, I was a gambler. I was addicted and that was the fact of thing for me. I'm now 10 months gf and it takes work, but it can be done. I am also 4 months off my medication. Turns out, I didn't need it when I wasn't fighting a secret addiction. I'm not saying it's the same for you. Just my story. 

Please look after yourself.