Well not that long a reader, just sounded like what people say when they call a radio station :).. Â been gamble free a month now and reading others experiences is helping me so much more than I thought. Â Thanks to all of you!
I guess I thought I was different, not better, just different, didn’t think I was addict, that I had it under control these past 20-25 years. Â
The pandemic and working from home, the stress of homeschooling and having to work without knowing if your head was next on the redundancy chopping block with a family to feed, not seeing friends and family.  Online live roulette and slots just became escapism between 2020 and last month.  I hate to think how much I’ve really lost, got a new 10k loan to dig myself out of overdrafts and credit cards.  That was the turning point, the eye opener, I’ve got a massive problem.
The whole time I was playing online, I told myself, (and the live chat in roulette..) ‘this is all rigged’, ‘I’m being ripped off and the casino is making money out of me’.  Yet I continued, I believed I could beat the system, that I’d be different.  Or, I’d be the one who won the progressive jackpot on the slots, it would set my family up for life.
I’d win a £1k on a roulette session, and then the next day be on a slot game, thinking, ‘I’ll just put £20 of that in and see if I can win that jackpot, it’s got to pay soon’.  I’d end up spending the day giving it all back, upping my stake as the bonus hadn’t hit for me and surely would soon. I’d then end the day losing both that thousand and half of what was left in my bank or worse, heading to the supermarket to put the family weekly shop on my credit card rather than with my money.  The next day I’d be going through yet another overdraft extension application, only to gamble that all away in the coming days.  Then waiting for the next payday.Â
My wife found out a month ago, the loan confirmation came in the post, and she saw it, even though it’s just in my name. I’ve lost all of her trust, what feels like her love and respect and I cannot blame her.  I’ve gambled a reasonable amount over the last 20 years, but never to the extent of these last 2 years. Never got myself in financial trouble like this before.  But in a strange way, these events may be the best thing to happen to me, they have woken me up I think.  I’ve enrolled in the gamcare course, on module 5 now.  A lovely person calls me and listens to my thoughts without judging me once a week and I feel understood.
I think I’ve got a problem of self-esteem, always wanting more like I see my friends and family have and thinking gambling would be the means to get it.Â
I’m going to keep plodding on, every other day hurts, each time my wife brings it up during an argument it hurts, and I just pray she’ll one day forgive me rather than leave me.
Hi
I felt like gambling controlled my life.
In time I would understand that I went to gambling when I could not cope emotionally with life people and situations.
Please stick with your recovery it is so rewarding and you become so much healthier and your fears reduce to single numbers.
The money was never going to heal my pains.
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
Love healing and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
Thank you for your replies , it’s good to know you’re not alone in facing this!
Thank you for your replies , it’s good to know you’re not alone in facing this!
Hi @lukeybiy122Â
I just wanted to stop by and say hi, I hope things are going good for you the last few days ?
Tomorrow marks 60 days since I gambled.  I have all the stops/bans in place to not allow me to go online, but I’m pleased I haven’t even tried to or find other online casinos.
 I’ve just read some research on the Gambling Commission website regarding gambling behaviours during Covid.  To be honest it made me feel sick.  It wasn’t research at all, they’d only talked to 30 people.  That organisation does the bare minimum as the government is happily collecting lots of tax from casinos.
They've got to put far stronger regulation in place, gambling ruins your life and a lot quicker than smoking and drinking does!
A while since I posted, having a weekly phone call for CBT and I’ve been going well.  However today, I took the children out to the seaside, after a couple of rides etc on the pier they wanted to go in the amusement arcades.  Whilst they were on the 2p machines (which I feel I shouldn’t allow as that’s where it started for me close to 40 years ago probably) I wondered over the 18+ section.Â
Long story short, I put 7 pound coins in separately at £1 a spin into a fruit machine. After losing each time I stopped myself in my tracks and said what the bloody hell am I doing!!!  It was like a zombie walked over there and did in my body.  Part of me feels what an absolute idiot I am and I’ve failed and part of me feels, good I caught myself before it got serious and I put all the money in my pocket in.
I quickly went back and enjoyed watching my kids, but I also feel they shouldn’t be playing even the 2p sliding machines. I see them get excited when a few 2p’s drop out.  At some point I feel I should tell them the pains Daddy went through later in life. They’re only 8&10 at the moment so I don’t want to scare them. Â
I will move on from today, put it behind me, and keep moving forwards.
186 days gamble free today, but had to come back and post, the urges are nowhere near as bad but the feeling of wasting all that money…I’m constantly reminded about it everytime I’m having an argument with my wife because we can’t afford this or we can’t afford that.
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I already know I’m a loser but I don’t need her to continually ram it down my throat.  She just doesn’t understand at all and I don’t think she ever will.  I said she should ring as an affected other to the helpline a couple of weeks after I came clean with her about my gambling. She did and reckons they just agreed with her that what I’d done was awful and I was generally a rubbish human being. I don’t know if I can believe that or if she’s just using it to refuse the fact I’ve got a problem.
Anyway, onwards and upwards, strive towards a promotion at work in the next couple of years, pay down some debt and hopefully manage to get through this cost of living crisis without being told I’m a loser all the time and our friends are doing this or going on holiday there and because of my problem we can’t afford any of that.
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