I am fairly new to this forum and I just wanted to be able to put down in writing while kind of introducing myself what gambling has done to my life for the last 10 or so years, although every time I try to put it into words I find it really difficult, but today I decided I was going to do it anyway as I think it would be good for me to look at when I am having bad days.
I think gambling got it's tightest grip on me about 10 years ago (I'm 38 now) I found online bingo sites that offered free games and bonuses and I would win quite a lot of money even from the free games without depositing much, I once won a media chat game on a bingo website which gave me free tickets for that bingo game and I won 3000 pound, I feel winning that 3000 pound definitely made me greedy for more and things went very down hill after, I put most of those winnings back into various bingo sites, rouletting and bingoing it away, only spending about a third of it on my family.
For a long time I was spending several hours a day gambling, chasing that big win again, sitting at the pc gambling in the day while the boys were at school and in the evening while my husband would watch tv on his own, with me half there and half in the world of gambling. Staying up gambling after he went to bed, winning lots then losing more than I had won, getting myself into more and more financial trouble, not being able to sleep because of this horrible feeling of guilt and shame inside, crying until my eyes were so puffy I looked like I had just been 10 rounds with mike tyson. He knew my problem was getting worse and every couple of months I would tell him I had got myself into money trouble again which affected our family finances and even though he doesn't have an addictive bone in his body and doesn't understand addiction he forgave me, I would tell him I am going to do it this time, I am going to stop, I will get help, but I never got help and it never stopped. It would happen again and again with the sum of money I had lost getting bigger each time, but while I was gambling I didn't see what damage I was doing, not until after would it hit me, and hit me hard at that.
The last time I told him was just the other night, I admitted I had ended up getting loans out but didn't tell him exactly how much (6,500) he said he didn't think he could take any more and that as much as he loves me and didn't want to say it I had to chose gambling or my husband and boys. This shattered my heart to think it had got to this point, we have been married 17 years this year and have 2 lovely boys, my husband is a wonderful person and when I lost my little boy to stillbirth 7 years ago he was there every second holding my hand and was my rock, he is my best friend as well as my love and it tears me apart to think I may lose him or my family because of gambling.
I wonder sometimes if I'm addicted to gambling because of an underlying problem, it's not just gambling it's alcohol too but that is my next thing to work on. Is it depression of some sort I don't know, but what confuses me is that I am generally a positive person on the outside and I love to try and help people if I can, most of the people I know describe me as a loving and caring person. But on the inside I sometimes feel I am falling apart because I don't understand why I feel this urge to self destruct when I know what I could lose if I do, I get so angry and sad with myself, is it just because I'm bored? Is it something else inside my head that I have no control over?
Since I have been reading stories on here I can't tell you how much it has helped me want to take steps in making this addiction stop controlling me, just to know I am not the only one with this illness and to see that people here have worked together to overcome it makes me believe i maybe could too, I have got to the point where I am finally admitting to myself that I can not do it on my own.
Sorry for such a long post, I don't think I have ever sat down and wrriten so much in my life lol. I would like to say thank you to this forum and all the people on it for giving me hope and inspiration, I didn't gamble at all yesterday and I haven't so far today, although today does seem harder than yesterday and I know it will be a long road but if I don't gamble today it will be day 2 for me of GF.
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Thank you for your kind words and advice, it really means a lot. I hope we can all say one day that we are free from the control of gambling and really start living life again, I am looking forward to how that will feel and I know that I have a long battle ahead but, one day at a time I want to give all my love back to my family and not to gambling. I really hope I can be strong enough.
I wish you all the best in your battle 🙂
Hi- the title of this really hits home
Should be such an easy choice but whatever trigger it is in our brain or environment makes us lean to misery.
Cant really add too much to what has already been said, however i am 530 days gamble free now but at my worst gambled nearly 100k- next year i will be debt free, i cant even describe to you how quickly that has come round- it seems like yesterday i was logging on as a new member. You can do this. Its just time and determination before you know it you will get your first glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, whether its a loan paid off or an extra tenner in your pocket.
If you are going to do this however- go all the way no half arsed attempts. No lottery, no bingo, no grand national flutters because its only a pound here and there. For the last time in your life GO ALL IN.
Good luck
Firstly , thank you so much for sharing your story . It really breaks my heart because I know exactly how it feels . 2 years ago I lost my business because of my addiction but I made a decision . I decided that I needed to stop and that decision had to be mine, that strength had to come within and I had to do it first for myself and second for my family . I tell you what, we are all a lot stronger than we think we are! Believe on yourself , you seem to have a lovely family and it is time to fight against this . I am free from any form of gambling for 2 years now and now looking back I feel so stupid . I was blind , had lost all my senses and completely lost because of the gambling addiction. I got involved with a charity on my spare/free time and that really helped me taking my head of gambling. All form of gambling should be banned because it’s destroying families and individuals daily and I will fight against this for the rest of my life . As it was said before , there is a lot of help on this forum . Keep your head held high , be strong, believe on yourself . You can definitely do it. I believe on you . All the best and let’s do it together . X by the way, English is not my first language and I apologise for any mistake
Such encouraging comments, it really helped me to read them thank you all so much you are really wonderful people, having a bit of a sad day today as I come more and more to see the realization of what damage I've done, but I am now on day 7, hanging in there and not giving up.
Sorted, for someone whos first language isn't English, you make less mistakes and write much better than I do lol
Caught up, I hope you are still going strong you seem like such a lovely person, your comments gave me hope that I can be strong enough to fight this. Thankyou.
I wish the best to all of us trying to beat this horrible addiction, we can win this 🙂 x
Thank you Caughtup, I will read it, will be good thing to do instead of gambling this evening x
"An angel is not always there when you want one but will always be there when you need one." A very true quote for me because your delightful post on my diary has really cheered me up.
Good to see you have settled back into your gamble free adventure. The 46 days you built up previously is a good foundation to build on and is also proof that you can go for a long period without gambling.
Great to see you have blocked yourself from the gambling websites, that takes a lot of courage and shows you are committed to a gamble free life. Most compulsive gamblers would recommend that all forms of gambling are avoided because one thing can lead to another and than we can lose our way again.
I was wondering how you got on with your counselling, I found it really helpful and stopped gambling for 6 months but I maybe I got complacent because I was a fool and gambled again.
As you rightly point out, there are some lovely people on the diaries but tragically there are some very sad stories detailing misery and torment brought about by peoples compulsion to gamble. However, on a brighter note there are plenty of success stories from gamcare friends have gone a long time without gambling.
I wish you happiness, contentment and good adventures as you continue your journey...stephen
Hi guys,
How does one start a fresh thread or topic etc.
I was hoping to start a diary on here ?
Hi go to section 'recovery diaries ' bottom of page 'new topic' button
Nice. Thank you
Merry go round wrote:
Hi go to section 'recovery diaries ' bottom of page 'new topic' button
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