Hi,
I have previously been on here, Ive been gambling for 10 years and I am fed up! I am expecting my first child in Feb and all I can think about is how I am spending my daughters money and hurting my husband over and over again. I have never really explained my situation, never written it down, I am hoping that this will help me begin to cope with my problem. I was introduced to gambling by my previous partners mum, Foxy bingo - just abit of fun. Not for me. I spiralled out of control, the odd £10 here and there wasnt enough, I needed more excitement. When I first started out, I would ALWAYS withdraw but then the demon took over and what ever I won was never enough, not for greed, I just liked the excitment of pushing it futher. I eventually got myself into alot of debt, took on an extra job (14 hour days), stealing from family and partner at the time. I was a mess but I couldnt admit it. Aslong as no one on the outside knew, I could keep it together and go about my daily business. I was always life and soul of the party, advice giver, the person that people always went to for help. No one knew the hurt inside. I still kind of keep that guard up now - no one outside of my family would ever guess I was addicted to gambling. I hide it well, dont we all? Thats what it does to us, we become very good liars. So, skip forward around 5 years, still upto my old tricks, stealing, lying, going around in circles. It was a significant date for me which obviously triggered a gambling rampage, £700 later I creep up to bed full of guilt and remorse and the folowing day was Valentines Day. I was due to be married within a few months so I thought I would wake up to atleast a present/card, but no, nothing. looking back I can see that we had fell out of love and it was a relationship based on convience, mainly mine as he was my financial crutch, always bailed me out. To be fair it became a convenience for him too as he knew that all it took for him to go out and do what he liked was the offer of £20 and a laptop. This became a daily occurance. i spent alot of time alone and began to drink. I also piled on the weight so i was on a downward spiral of depression which didnt help. I went to work that valentines day and something clicked. After years of promising to sort my self out and not doing it, I finally did it. I came home and announed that I was going to GA. I was taking the leap. I was really going to stop for good. My partner couldnt have cared less, he went out with his friends. Valentines day?? So anyway, I called my friend and she came with me for support, she sat outside and waited for me. It was daunting, I walked into a room full of men twice my age on Valentines day, who wouldnt be scared? I skipped out of that session, i was on cloud 9. I had took the first step to freedom. I called my partner, he didnt answer. I stayed at my friends house that evening. No text/call to ask where I was or how I was. Anyway, as you can probably guess, we didnt last long and I was alone. I found GA useful but I was still secretly gambling. I enjoyed my sessions, listening to other peoples stories and sharing about my week. it kept me going. I have never really stopped gambling but I did manage to cut down. Fast forward to the present day, I am now married to an amazing man who worships the ground that I walk on but I cant help but hurt him over and over again. I was open and honest from the start and told him all about my problem which he has been fantastic in understanding and supporting me. We have both been to counselling separately to go through our issues and help himm understand a little as to why I do it. I did cut down massively for a whilse but lately I have been on a mission to self destruct. I dont know if this is because I am anxious about my new baby or something else is playing on my mind but its driving me crazy. its literally all I can think about. I have no access to money as hubby deals with bills and my wages get paid into his account. We arre currently on a debt management plan as I did rack up alot of debt, maybe its the thought of having no money when baby arrives that makes me do it? Crazy isnt it that you dream of winning big to sort your problems but in reality if you cut out the gambling you will be 100% up onn your money!!! Something else that is playing on my mind too is the endles multiple accounts that i have opened just to play free spins/money. I never withdraw and end up spencing a fortune but in the back of my mind I feel like someone will come knocking on my door. I do feel a little silly for that but I guess our mind is our worst enemy sometimes.I am going to try to log on everyday to keep this going and also read others experinces for motivation.
Hi
My husband is the recovering CG in the house so I'm answering from the opposite perspective but it seems to me your husband may be being a little too understanding and accommodating. He needs to understand this is a progressive addiction and unchecked can and regularly does drag down everyone involved. I'm not clear if you are managing to access further household funds or using free play (it isn't) but I would recommend a tightening up of the financial controls on his part alongside installing a blocker to every device you use with him setting the password. If he can't block the device, change to one he can or do without. Even free play games keep the addiction fires burning.
You are right in recognising you need to get to the root of the problem. Gamcare offer free counselling sessions and attendance at GA will offer the understanding a non gambler can't.
I am new to this forum, thank for your best service
My husband is rather strict to be honest, it’s me who’s the problem. I enjoy the challenge of finding his bank card or guessing the password which I know will land me in more trouble but I can’t help it. I do agree that free play does fuel the fire though. I will just need something to take my mind off the thought of gambling.
Hi MumToBe.
Welcome to the forum. Maybe you are just beginning to but you need to understand that its a deadly form of mind control. It will take this relationship from you as if it was nothing. It will do that for breakfast as it also leaves people homeless bankrupt and dead. Sorry to be blunt but that is gambling and thats what it does to people.
Its also linked to depression and deep feeling of low self esteem. Its no game and its no joke. Your partner really needs to understand that he has an active gambler in the house....I mean really understand because its dangerous! Are you ready to fully discuss it with him? He needs to be aware and you need to save any quality of life you have left.
You will learn that its a very complex addiction but for now you need to understand that it works in the same way as people craving a drug.
Gambling is NOT the answer to your natural worries about life and a new family. gambling is NOT the answer to boredom or escape. It will ruin you fast and you have seen this but you are now addicted.
Im not saying you are a bad person but an active gambler will use a partner comfort zone to carry on. The addiction will talk your mind into all sorts of things like well hubby is paying the bills so my role is free to gamble and do what I like. Its mind control like you dont fully understand yet
You say you have no access to money so I dont understand why you are logging in anywhere? To save you quality of life you must have no access to money and be living on a sandwich allowance while you search for a born again moment. Its not about treating you like a baby and that lack of trust will save you rather than be out to hurt you
I dont mean to sound over harsh. I just want to make you think. Gambling is not for you and putting it simply you cant cope with it just like I couldnt because I was an addict out of control.
Life can be tough but no bookie or online casino is offering you an income scheme on those odds. Last time I looked they were more worried about their yacht insurance than your baby. Reality must now dawn on you
There are better things to be doing and we lose sight of how to live our lives. Recovery is about healing and learning.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Finding someone else’s bank card or guessing someone else’s password isn’t a game, it’s a criminal act. And abusive. If you can’t help it, who can?
The help’s out there but only you can take it.
CW
Hello there.
The above advice is really useful. The post by CW above is kinda a reality check. Yes, maybe a bit blunt but some wake up words are really required.
CW is spot on........really taking someone else's bank card and using it against their knowledge really is fraud. From what I gather you are trying to access your wages but as you've agreed they go to him, which is really sensible, it's still not a great idea.
TBH, you say the guy worships the ground you walk upon, but time after time of this behaviour do you expect him to carry on? True of every relationship I've ever been in, something always screws it up. Now I'm a very happily married man......and I know my behaviour from nearly two years ago would eventually ruin everything! So I wouldn't ever continue. Is your husband not enough to quit gambling? I mean, it's all a load of rubbish, stacked into the favour of offshore companies to line their pockets. Statistics prove that in the long run, the player can never win. It's also proven that these "games" are programmed with near misses and strategies to keep us playing. I hate to say it but you are the "target" here, not the victim. A victim does not have the right to choose.......well we do. We play due to the menagerie of reasons we have to convince ourselves that it is justified. Well the truth is, there isn't an amount of money we could win that would ever make us quit. Let's say you won a million, you'd keep going at higher stakes to win that feeling! A £10k win wouldn't be enough......let's just gamble until it's all gone! I used to play a £1 a spin. At the end it was £28 a spin. A quid is child's play.......so I couldn't justify spending £28 a spin again as it is silly money so another reason I wouldn't go back.
I could go on about how great a life with gambling is.......but it is only achievable with proper and real blocks in place. It's easy to restrain, limit, remove........but you can NEVER gamble again......even 50p as it will build up.
So what blocks do you have in place? K9 on all devices? Hubby has financial control? No cards, no access to gambling? Got good at knitting/baking/writing short stories yet? It sounds trivial but I found developing skills that expand the mind helped me get over it.
You're initial post makes you sound like the victim. We aren't victims, we CHOOSE to do this to ourselves. Husband, family......if that isn't enough to quit then I really suggest phoning Gamcare, one to one counciling, GA, hubby in complete control, forgiving yourself for the last ten years and moving on. Gambling is a pointless activity that will make you miserable and give you a premature end. FACT!
All the best, keep posting, don't ignore the people who you came to for help. We're going through this with you, but please take some level of responsibility.
Abet
Thanks for the replies, a little harsh but that’s the reality needed. I understand and take onboard your comments and that is why I am 4 days gamble free. I don’t need that s**t in my life anymore.
Glad to hear that you’re making a start but if you read round the forum, will power alone doesn’t cut it long term, many have tried. Stopping is doable but only with the right support, best is peer support at regular GA. Women who go to predominantly male meetings (and who do want to stop gambling) report that the support and the program count, rather than the fact that most are men. There are a lot of measures you can take to block your access to gambling but none will help unless you want to stop. It’s up to you.
Also, your gambling isn’t random but the symptom of something amiss. Happy and well adjusted people don’t need to use to escape, nor to manage other people to avoid focus on themselves. Digging is painful but it might just turn your lives round.
As to your husband, it’s all too easy to get caught up in trying to stop you by hiding the card. It does become like chasing mice, a futile exercise in the cat chasing the mouse and trying to outwit it and the only result is chaos. What’s really needed is a new approach along the lines of pest control at source. Your husband can also take the help that’s out there to teach him to live his life without chasing mice, and also learn how to look after himself, via regular attendance at GamAnon or CoDA. That choice is up to him.
I hope you both choose to move forward in the right direction.
CW
MumToBe wrote:
Thanks for the replies, a little harsh but that’s the reality needed. I understand and take onboard your comments and that is why I am 4 days gamble free. I don’t need that s**t in my life anymore.
Yes it sounds harsh but its because we care about you. Very few gamblers understand what they are dealing with when they join the forum. Based on what you have written, we are simply giving you something to really think about rather than just platitudes.
Im not saying you are a bad person. This is what gambling does to people and its a horrible addiction. I cant believe it was me that did it...its like having two people in the same mind....awful.... it makes no rational sense and I blew thousands of pounds I couldnt afford to waste.
Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling. I hope you will keep using the forum, consider all the advice and join us in recovery.
Best wishes
I'm starting aswell first time of really trying and not relying on family to help me out, even borrowing off my children how sad should b other way round. Good luck I know it's gonna b hard and I can always find an excuse to why Iv done it eg row with partner.. Keep us informed
Hi mumtobe,
I'all be honest, your response is spot on! Yes, harsh words from us but sometimes we need to hear them! I heard them when I joined and it was the best thing that ever happened!
So on the advice front......as you are serious about quitting you have to break the time,money, location triangle. Giving your partner full financial control means just that.....no sneaking his card or whatever. That can land you in some serious hot water! Location means break any opportunity to gamble. Self exclude then get hubby to set up K9 on devices and router blocks on your internet. K9 is free and an essential part of online gambling recovery. Router blocks just strengthen the blocks.
In terms of time, find other leisure activities, possibly something you can involve your hisband in too! I focused on other areas of my life and basically have a better existence and am into things I never thought I would! I found juggling to be a really fun, odd and challenging thing! I'm still rubbish at it but I spent a while doing that......and NOT gambling.
Please forgive yourself.......I use my "no matter how far down the wrong road you've travelled, it's never too late to turn around" saying most days! It reminds me that all bad can be put right over time as long as we keep walking in that opposite direction. Corny I know but it helped me!
If you are serious you can get past this! The help here is amazing. Gambling can lead you to do things through desperation, guilt or just plain stupidity that we normally wouldn't! It doesn't make you a bad person and no one is judging here. How you set up and follow through your recovery is the most important. Stay positive and beat this. As every day goes by, the emotions stabilise, you cut free those losses, forgive yourself and the gambling fog lifts!
Keep posting!
Abet
so I may be opening myself up for some more harsh words but hey Im proud of myself today. I really needed to go food shopping and my husband was unable to come with me so he sent me money to spend. I got all my shopping, not one thought of "I will just save a tenner to play later" crossed my mind. Shoppping done, excess money swiflty sent back to him. Early days but this has felt like a massive achievement!
That's awesome well done! Seriously shows you're committed and that he must trust that you want to make things right for him to send you money. Keep it up! X
MumToBe wrote:
so I may be opening myself up for some more harsh words but hey Im proud of myself today. I really needed to go food shopping and my husband was unable to come with me so he sent me money to spend. I got all my shopping, not one thought of "I will just save a tenner to play later" crossed my mind. Shoppping done, excess money swiflty sent back to him. Early days but this has felt like a massive achievement!
Great Excellent and well done!. If I can just give you my best advice its best if you continue with your husband knowing all about it and an allowance that you provide receipts for. This will need to go on with other blocks for a long time while your mind heals.
Its not about treating you like a baby. You know the power of this gambling compulsion and it can come out of the blue. The more time your mind has to heal, you will get back into the routine of normal living and wonder why you would gamble again or why you ever did it.
We must never be complacent though and you should develop new hobbies and find better thing to channel your energy into.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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