Monday evening my husband told me he was gambling again (fourth time in two years that i'm aware of). He promised less than two months ago he'd stop and he clearly hasn't. I won't put figures but he's spent thousands, taken out a new credit card I had no idea about and blown his whole savings.Â
I have removed him access to our joint savings. He won't let me remove him off the joint account that pays the bills, despite him taking money from it on time 3 to gamble, but he did put it back. He won't seek help or put apps on his phone. He says he can do this via willpower! (He hasn't consistently managed that though the 3 times before). I've got help put in place by Gamcare for me today. He did close two bookie accounts in front of me Monday evening, but whether there's more I don't know. I should also add the only reason he told me Monday night was because I wanted to do a financial review together. If i hadn't suggested that I'm guessing I still wouldn't know.Â
I tried suggesting so many things last night and he basically sulked like a teenager told me "I couldn't take away his access" and that he feels I'm "babysitting" him.Â
I equally didn't sleep again last night. I woke wanting to check his phone (I refrained). I want to check in constantly today whilst he's at work. I want to check his banking apps tonight. I basically feel in 48 hours I am a a mans worst red flag of an insecure, controlling woman- but then I have good reason to be don't I?Â
I have so much love for him, been together 13 years, but he looks different to me now. Can I ever trust him properly again? Am i going to feel like a police detective for the rest of our marriage? Why won't he get help properly? Why does he want to ruin himself and us further? Why is he gambling at all? We also have a 6 year old son. I have a million questions why this is happening, why can't he just stop and my head feelings like it's spinning. I'm 29 and he's 44 and I don't know if I can live life feeling like I can't trust someone again, but then leaving isn't what I want either. Theres so much love and respect, and trust (in non financial ways) and I wanted to extend our family again next year but the extent of debt I don't think we can so I'm also angry at him for potentially taking away our chance of having another child.Â
How do I be a good wife here? I feel like I'm drowning in a problem that isn't mine but be put on me.Â
Hi,Â
So sorry to be reading this. Unfortunately, until he truly admits he has a problem and wants to sort it out, there is nothing you can do.Â
I’m a compulsive gambler and I came clean to my husband in July about the full extent of my gambling (tens of thousands of debt!) I had already told him 18 months prior to this, but I held back and wasn’t honest over everything. I also at the time probably didn’t think I had a problem. Fast forward 18 months and I only stopped gambling for 3 months and I doubled the debt!Â
Protect yourself in every way possible and look after yourself. He has got to want to start his recovery and from what I’ve read, I don’t think that’s the case.Â
Take care,Â
Claire x
Partners are often unwittingly dragged into the chaos that is a gambling addictionÂ
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and ultimately thats what this addiction is .....chaos
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wether you choose to remain in it or not is your decision but the advise I always give is too protect yourself from it , if you leave it will force him to either clean up his act or lose you foreverÂ
if that isn't enough then he will never stopÂ
Partners are often unwittingly dragged into the chaos that is a gambling addictionÂ
Â
and ultimately thats what this addiction is .....chaos
Â
wether you choose to remain in it or not is your decision but the advise I always give is too protect yourself from it , if you leave it will force him to either clean up his act or lose you foreverÂ
if that isn't enough then he will never stopÂ
Hi
It is very sad that I had betrayed my wife many times over.
The lies I told were all fear based.
The addiction only indicated how emotionally vunerable I was.
My emotional trigers were my pains my fear my frsutrations loneliness and boredom.
It took me along time attending GA before I was abale to abstain and exchange every unhealthy habit in to healthy habits.
 Handing over all the finances to my wife was very difficult but I did it.
In time with recovery I got to trust my self with having money on my person.
I did not think that I could live my life with only having enough money to buy coffee or snacks.
The money was the fuel for my addiction.
Sadly in time I went to meetings because I understood how emotionally vulnerable I was.
My wife made every effort in to encouraging me to go to meetings.
The meetings were a life saver for me.
The meetings helped me heal my hurt inner child.
In time once I started to heal my wife understood that she to had a hurt inner child in her.
In time my wife and I started to ive ehalthier lives together.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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