13th December 2012, 10.50 hrs - 13.30 hrs, this period of 2@half hours has changed my life forever.
I have been gambling since 2007, I started with £10 on the FTOB machines and boy has this spiralled outta control. Fortunatley for me I have used only savings I had, well did have.
I had funds of £K120 in March 2010, now down to £K75 and it is never coming back. Iv'e lost and won, but lost more and more chasing my losses.
It all came to a head on Thursday 13/12/12, after promising my partner (god how I hate myself for this part) that I would not gamble again, I went back to on-line gambling. It was going really well for three weeks my funds had gone up £K12, I was becoming happy again, my partner and I were planning walking trips again, some new clothes, meals out.
Feelin low Thursday am, I thought a small amount of cash for Xmas spends, invested '£500.00, thought take £750.00 thats enough, reached target took it no !!
60 minutes later i'm £K10.5 down, I just cant come away without winning. So i plunge another £K5 into the casino and the casino in its fair play/kindness let me get to £K19 in my account, do I take it no !!!! WHY madness just madness !!!! I lost the lot, and worse invested another £K5 in chasing £K15.5 losses, £K20.5 gone in two hours.
I closed my account there and then.
Now the problems start, un-believable depression, self-hatred, why oh why did I do this.
But I take responsibility for it I chose not to leave the casino when I could have.
Gambling for me is over, I feel so low, I just want to curl up in a ball, and never face/talk to anyone again. My partner deserves far better than me, how do I tell her I have gambled again after promising never to, three times previously. She is so happy looking forward to Christmas, me I can't look forward to anything.
Hi Rideyobike, well done for posting what you have here,
That point where you could have left the Casino is just a fantasy my friend - it is a moment in time that never really existed.
Imagine if you got to double what you said, £38,000, would you have stopped? Would you have walked away and treated your family? The answer is sadly no my friend - the comedown after the euphoria you would have experienced would have led you back on within days, maybe even hours.
You have to change your whole mentality towards gambling my friend. Winning is far more dangerous than losing because you crave more, and the more you win, the more you crave playing at higher stakes. If you lose, then you face soul-wrenching desperation to get that money back - it is a lose - lose scenario. Accept who you are my friend - gamblers are generally emotionally vulnerable people; others can play at small stakes and walk away but you can’t - you just aren’t built that way - there’s no shame in it, you are allergic to it mentally, in the same way someone else would be to something else.
If you want to conquer the self-hatred and the depression, then use this experience as a catalyst for you stopping for good. That money would be an absolute bargain and quite likely to be the best investment in you and your family’s future if you stopped now, for good. There is nothing you could ever do to win it back because of the scenario I explained above, so the only option you have is to use it to your own advantage.
When you speak to your wife, she is understandably going to be upset and confused. This is why you must offer her something to move forward - hand over all your finances to her, follow through with your plans for walking trips, tell her that you have slipped but this time, you will tell her if you have any urges before the possibility of acting on them; you may feel shame in doing so but she would rather have this than having it kept from her a thousand times more. Instead of just agreeing to stop, take her to attend a local GA meeting or spend some time on this Forum - you are not a bad person, without gambling, I’m sure you are a decent, honest guy; if you explain more, if you work as a team instead of being on opposite sides, then you have every chance of getting through this.
My heart goes out to you my friend - I have walked many miles in your shoes. What has happened has happened, you can’t change it; winning money is poison to you - even now, I dread getting unexpected money or bonuses at work because I know what emotions that it may draw out of me. Accept who you are - it’s not such a bad thing because emotionally vulnerable people tend to get more out of life than others, but we can also be more “say-ers” as opposed to “do-ers” - make today a completely honest, fresh start and put everything you have into taking your life in a new direction. It is understandably very hard to be positive right now but there is only one way you can go now and that is upwards.
JamesP
I echo what James has said, spot on as always. Invest £20 in a gambling site blocker there's a really good one called ' TXNogam ' (google it) which I use, without it i wouldn't have lasted so long in my recovery. It's impossible to uninstall will block all gambling sites. You're still in a good position not in debt like a lot of CG's when they stop. Just don't make the mistake of chasing again, be thankful for what you've got. Soon after a week or two's abstinence you'll be yourself once again.
Thanks Davey and James for your support and advice, I will take on board your advice.
Hope Xmas will be good to you both.
You’re very welcome my friend,
All of this is very much easier said than done, I very much appreciate but the worst thing you could do right now is stand still and bury your head in the sand; this is why they call it a vicious circle because if you don’t take quick and positive action, you thought process will turn towards gambling again. You are better than that.
JamesP
Very well said.
JamesP wrote: Hi Rideyobike, well done for posting what you have here,
That point where you could have left the Casino is just a fantasy my friend - it is a moment in time that never really existed.
Imagine if you got to double what you said, £38,000, would you have stopped? Would you have walked away and treated your family? The answer is sadly no my friend - the comedown after the euphoria you would have experienced would have led you back on within days, maybe even hours.
You have to change your whole mentality towards gambling my friend. Winning is far more dangerous than losing because you crave more, and the more you win, the more you crave playing at higher stakes. If you lose, then you face soul-wrenching desperation to get that money back - it is a lose - lose scenario. Accept who you are my friend - gamblers are generally emotionally vulnerable people; others can play at small stakes and walk away but you can’t - you just aren’t built that way - there’s no shame in it, you are allergic to it mentally, in the same way someone else would be to something else.
If you want to conquer the self-hatred and the depression, then use this experience as a catalyst for you stopping for good. That money would be an absolute bargain and quite likely to be the best investment in you and your family’s future if you stopped now, for good. There is nothing you could ever do to win it back because of the scenario I explained above, so the only option you have is to use it to your own advantage.
When you speak to your wife, she is understandably going to be upset and confused. This is why you must offer her something to move forward - hand over all your finances to her, follow through with your plans for walking trips, tell her that you have slipped but this time, you will tell her if you have any urges before the possibility of acting on them; you may feel shame in doing so but she would rather have this than having it kept from her a thousand times more. Instead of just agreeing to stop, take her to attend a local GA meeting or spend some time on this Forum - you are not a bad person, without gambling, I’m sure you are a decent, honest guy; if you explain more, if you work as a team instead of being on opposite sides, then you have every chance of getting through this.
My heart goes out to you my friend - I have walked many miles in your shoes. What has happened has happened, you can’t change it; winning money is poison to you - even now, I dread getting unexpected money or bonuses at work because I know what emotions that it may draw out of me. Accept who you are - it’s not such a bad thing because emotionally vulnerable people tend to get more out of life than others, but we can also be more “say-ers” as opposed to “do-ers” - make today a completely honest, fresh start and put everything you have into taking your life in a new direction. It is understandably very hard to be positive right now but there is only one way you can go now and that is upwards.
JamesP
Shattered79 wrote:
Very well said.
[quote=JamesP]Hi Rideyobike, well done for posting what you have here,
That point where you could have left the Casino is just a fantasy my friend - it is a moment in time that never really existed.
Imagine if you got to double what you said, £38,000, would you have stopped? Would you have walked away and treated your family? The answer is sadly no my friend - the comedown after the euphoria you would have experienced would have led you back on within days, maybe even hours.
You have to change your whole mentality towards gambling my friend. Winning is far more dangerous than losing because you crave more, and the more you win, the more you crave playing at higher stakes. If you lose, then you face soul-wrenching desperation to get that money back - it is a lose - lose scenario. Accept who you are my friend - gamblers are generally emotionally vulnerable people; others can play at small stakes and walk away but you can’t - you just aren’t built that way - there’s no shame in it, you are allergic to it mentally, in the same way someone else would be to something else.
If you want to conquer the self-hatred and the depression, then use this experience as a catalyst for you stopping for good. That money would be an absolute bargain and quite likely to be the best investment in you and your family’s future if you stopped now, for good. There is nothing you could ever do to win it back because of the scenario I explained above, so the only option you have is to use it to your own advantage.
When you speak to your wife, she is understandably going to be upset and confused. This is why you must offer her something to move forward - hand over all your finances to her, follow through with your plans for walking trips, tell her that you have slipped but this time, you will tell her if you have any urges before the possibility of acting on them; you may feel shame in doing so but she would rather have this than having it kept from her a thousand times more. Instead of just agreeing to stop, take her to attend a local GA meeting or spend some time on this Forum - you are not a bad person, without gambling, I’m sure you are a decent, honest guy; if you explain more, if you work as a team instead of being on opposite sides, then you have every chance of getting through this.
My heart goes out to you my friend - I have walked many miles in your shoes. What has happened has happened, you can’t change it; winning money is poison to you - even now, I dread getting unexpected money or bonuses at work because I know what emotions that it may draw out of me. Accept who you are - it’s not such a bad thing because emotionally vulnerable people tend to get more out of life than others, but we can also be more “say-ers” as opposed to “do-ers” - make today a completely honest, fresh start and put everything you have into taking your life in a new direction. It is understandably very hard to be positive right now but there is only one way you can go now and that is upwards.
JamesP
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