I wrote this post a year ago on another therapy site for CG's. I had a really bad relapse over christmas and nearly went to prison again. |I am now into my seventh week gambling free, although I consider myself to have been in recovery for several months;
"Recovery is a journey, not a destination.
Hi
This is my first ever post on this website, I'd like to briefly tell my tale, in the hope that it can be of help to someone,I know that at times other peoples posts have been an inspiration to me. I am 44 this month its taken me a long time to realise that I could change, but I am doing!
I started gambling on fruit machines in 1980 when I was still a school boy, and at the time it wasn't really a problem to me I wouldn't spend huge amounts or end up skint and I didn't feel compelled to play the machines.When I left school 2 years later,I got a job straight away in the offices at Swan Hunter Shipbuilders and I still played on the machines in my lunch breaks and after work. I then started going to work earlier so I could play on a machine in the cafe before I got there. Things were starting to get worse and worse I always owed out all of my pay, and I borrowed money left, right, and centre. My girlfiend would insist I had a problem but I really didnt think I did have. I was an avid football fan and travelled to every Newcastle match home and away and I finally admitted to myself that I did have a problem when I spent the money I had taken to work, to pay for an away trip, playing on the bandit in my lunch hour and sold my solid silver ingot to replace the money. However I did not seek help for my problem at that time and cut down on the machines for a little while. I moved departments where I was working and ended up being a messenger in the shipyard and one of my unofficial duties was to go to the bookies and put everyones bets on. I very soon learned how to bet and I loved it, I started off winning a fortune and I did pay all of my debts off, I thought this was the route to an easy life. I started going to local dog tracks and as a pastime I startred playing on the bandits again. However within 6 months I was getting in to horrendous debts, started to take time off work and started missing my football weekends to gamble. I started to steal money from my parents and one day I stole 2 wage packets from work and ran away to London.
This was a week after my girlfriend had it confirmed that she was pregnant and her Dad made her have an abortion.
(At the time I did not connect these two events but I now know that my most manic gambling episodes have been either during or immediatley after some emotionally traumatic episode in my life. Mind you a lot of the trauma has been caused by gambling, but I digress.)
It didn't take too long to lose all the money, and I found myself at 17 homeless on the streets of London, I knew my parents and girlfriend would be worried about me but I couldnt return home because I knew the police would be looking for me for stealing the wages. I eventually got arrested for walking up the M1 motorway, the police informed my parents and they came and collected me.When we got back home I told them everything and we found eventually that there was such a place as GA, (this was 1983), and I started to attend, my Mam went to Gam Anon, my Dad paid the wages back to work but I was sacked and had to 'sign on' for a while and agreed to pay my Dad back weekly out of my giro.
When I finally got another job, the chap I worked for took me to a casino for a night out and I was hooked once more, I still attended GA but found it easy to lie and only went to look good infront of my parents.
My life very quickly went down hill and for the next 25 years I gambled any which way I could, I have been to prison 5 times, and been homeless many many times. There has been ofcourse many times when I've won (LOL won people like me never win) and lived comfortable, I've travelled a lot and sometimes stayed in 5 star hotels. Three times I've walked out of casinos with £10K+ and a few times the bookies havnt had enough money to pay me out. Ive had highs and lows but never lived in the real world until these last 9 months.
It is a horrible habit or addiction to have but it can be cracked. Theres many times when I've been gambling I've said to myself "I'm a compulsive gambler, and this is what I do", and also many times I've said, "I dont know why I do it,"there are times when I've blamed others for making me gamble. In recent years when I've been in cahoots with drugs dealers and loan sharks I've been gambling with my life I've actually convinced myself at these times if I lost their money I would kill myself. I have seriosley attempted suicide twice and half heartedly, as a cry for help, took overdoses 3 or 4 times. I couldnt list all of the situations I've put myself in there would not be enough room on this forum,but I would like to emphasise the depths that gambling has taken me to. One of the sickest lowest things I have done is fake my own kidnapping and extort £20K from my parents, I was described in crown court as a psychotic gambler at that time. Another sick thing I done was rent my back room out as a drugs kitchen, just to get myself some extra money to gamble with, I was working at the time. I dont make light any thing that I've done I know my actions over the years have had a great impact on evryone I'm related to or aquiainted with and I will try to elaborate on my experiences in the coming weeks and months.It is hard to share everything on this first post, I have so much to share.
I am currently a resident in Gordon House I have completed my counselling and am currently on phase 3. I have been on a diet for the the last 4 months and have lost 3 stone. This place has really helped me to change in so many ways. Gordon House hasn't "fixed" me, but it has helped me identify things within myself that needed fixing, and has helped me get both feet firmly onto the road to recovery. I will never never look at myself as being cured of this addiction I know only too well how complacancy can be a short cut to relapse. Recovery, for me, is not an acheivable target but rather a succesful route through life with no gambling thoughts or urges. Hopefully if gambling thoughts do crop up I will have to ask myself why, and adress the cause, before they get the chance to turn into urges. Gordon House has helped me gain a great insight into my self awareness. I am also attending college at the moment I am doing an introduction into counselling course, as I would dearly like to help other addicts in the future.
When I was gambling I felt unique, totally emotionless, nothing else mattered to me except gambling or finding money to gamble that was my life and I'd given myself up to it time and time again. I had told myself lots of times that I would like to stop gambling, the reality was that I couldnt face life without it. I can now and its a great feeling. To get through each day without even thinking about it is brilliant. I am so pleased and proud of myself for this dramatic change.I just wanted to share with everybody if I can change, anybody can. Recovery isn't something I can achieve it is an ongoing life long journey.
Anybody can change.."
Hi Geordie, thank you for sharing your story. That made me feel quite emotional! I hope everyone takes the chance to read your story. To see the extent that gambling can have on one's life. The grip with which it takes hold and feels like it's impossible to escape. I have just started my journey and I hope that I can stay the course. Ian.
Hi Geordie,
Welcome to the service and thanks for your very open and candid post. Congratulations on the 7 weeks of being gambling free.
It sounds as though you have had a long history of gambling - and recognising your recent lapse is not something you wish to prolong, you have sought support. Well done for taking that brave step.
Is there anything that, looking back on the period over Christmas where you gambled, you can identify as being a trigger to sending you gambling again?
Sometimes lapses are an opportunity to learn about our vulnerabilities.
Do keep in touch here, and if you would like to chat one to one with an advisor in confidence, you can do so on the helpline:
0845 6000 133
or the netline
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/netline
Both are open from 8am til midnight, 7 days a week.
Take care,
Mike
Its hard to believe I havnt posted on this forum for over 6 years. I was involved a lot on another therapy forum but find it is no longer giving me what it used to.
Thankfully I havnt ressurected this thread and come back to Gamcare after a massive fall.
I appreciate the value, and the neccasity, of ongoing support, I dont know how often I will post on here but I hope going forward it isnt once every 6 and a half years.
The last time I gambled was a lottery ticket last January. Other than that I could say I'm over a year gambling free.
It has required a hell of a lot for me to stop. I gambled wreclessly for over 35 years, first attending GA in the early 80's.
In order for me to stop gambling I have had to make so many changes in my personal life. Looking back I see it all as quite pathetic.
I dont recall anything exciting when I look back at ny gambling years, quite the opposite actually. That said I came so very close to gambling between Christmas and New Year. I was quite shocked, the first real urge I'd had in 2017. I didnt gamble and now it has passed I'm actualy quite pleased it came.
I had been getting a bit complacent I think. For the last twelve months or so I havnt been getting all of my wages paid. My boss is aware of my addiction, so he holds my money.
Last year I started off with about £3000 worth of pressing debt. In addition to paying that off I have been able to buy, tax, and insurre a nice car (its a Merc), I was also able to save up £1000 three times over. Each £1000 was for a reason. so my savings never grew over that amount.
At Christmas I did have nearly a thousand pounds in my own account with very easy access, the urge hit me like a sledge hammer.
I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been able to fight off an urge. Recovery to me isn't about fighting urges. For me so far its about learning how to avoid them. Despite what we think when we are gambling urges dont just happen, we dont just find ourselves gambling because we cant help it. verything happens for a reason.
I think urges happen as a result of not dealing with life's trials and tribulations, I do my utmost to go to bed each night with a clear concscience. I dont sit with problems however small. Not many problems cant be resolved, and the situations that cant be resolved are best to accept and move away from.
I had an unreslovable issue with another member of the other forum I used, thats why I' hrere instead.
I've never read any posts on this forum yet, but am looking forward to doing so.
I wish you all , all the very best.
Geordie.
Hi geordie
Just been reading your story, truly astonishing. It must have been so difficult to write all that stuff about yourself. In my view you will be an inspiration and help to many with this devastating problem. It's there for all to see, The huge wins, the travel and 5 star hotels. Yet ultimately, it ends in extreme lows. Your story is a warning to all of us that the financial loss is only the tip of the iceberg, it can be far reaching devastation impacting family, friends and your mental health. While my situation is on a much smaller scale than yours, I fully understand how a gambling addiction can drive someone to these extemes.
Keep posting Geordie, you are an inspiration.
well done mate i felt your story there can relate to it such a horrible addiction
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