Hi All.
I have been browsing the forum for the past few weeks and gained strength and insight from reading the posts so felt as though the next step would be to put something in writing myself.
I am 27 and have been a problem gambler since around 19 years old.
I've had a relationship with gambling from a young age; playing cards with family, 10p machines at the arcade etc. Looking back on it now perhaps my attitude towards it even then was unhealthy... But the problems didnt really start until I became an adult. After nights out I would often end up at the casino with friends as a purely social activity, chipping in a fiver each and staking the minimum bet on red/black just so we could pass the time and get some free soft drinks. If we won a few quid we would split it and consider it a good night.
Over time I found myself going to the casino by myself and more often, still gambling with small amounts and calling it a day if I lost. As the months went by the frequency of the visits and the amount spent would increase, however I only allowed myself to gamble my disposable income and financially considered myself in a good place, no debt etc. This went on for a year or so until one day I broke my "rule" and used funds that should have gone on living costs to gamble with. After that my decline was quite rapid, I had a good credit rating and job so was able to access loans, credit cards, overdrafts for substantial amounts. At this point I was still exclusively gambling at the Casino in the centre of my town.
Fast forward a few more years and having exhausted all of my options of getting credit and discovering bookies and FOBT machines, I find myself in the position I'm in now: truly gripped by addiction. A stressed, broken wreck. It would be hard to put a figure on my financial losses over the last eight years but it's easily in excess of 100k, with every type of debt imaginable, the vast majority of which has been unpaid. Ive been at the stage where I have sold all my possesions, been homeless, lied and done many things im not proud of all in the name of gambling. Each month I would gamble my whole wage on payday and feel devastated, angry and fed up. I would have to beg, steal and borrow to survive until the next month knowing that I had just worked hard for a month esentially for free. Sometimes I would go out and blow £2k on my lunch break and return to work as if nothing had happened, although inside I would be in pieces. However I would continue to do it. I think this cycle of secrecy and emotional turmoil took its toll on me and around two years ago I decided to quit my job abrupty, as I felt that I would be no worse off financially and would at least be free of the feeling of working in a job i hated just to give my money away each month. After being unemployed for a few months I retrained for a different career that I genuinely enjoy which I have been doing ever since. Over the last year I have somehow managed to keep a decent roof over my head, buy and run a car and live a half decent life, by which I mean not having to pray the electricity will get cut off or deciding where I will shoplift tonights dinner from. However this hasnt been at the expense of stopping gamlbing, as I have still played FOBTS give or take every day. I havent 'won' anything in longer than I can remember. Certainly not when I still have my 'winnings' the following morning. Each time I would walk out and tell myself this is the last time and I will never gamble again, and the saddest thing is I actually believe it, only to return the next day!
With regards to recovery, only my partner knows of my addiction and I have felt unable to tell anybody else. We got together when my addiction was already at this stage. Having her in the picture is a relief and a burden at the same time, as she is so supportive and kind despite me promising to stop and relapsing time and again. The pain and guilt of hurting someone else overwhelms me. I genuinely feel I wouldn't be here without her and she means the world to me and Im angry that I keep letting down.
I tried GA meetings a few years ago but stopped after a couple of weeks. I didnt feel like there was anything to be gained and found it hard opening up to strangers about this as im quite a private and proud person.
More recently (april 2016) I self excluded from all the betting shops in the city cen tre (there are a lot!) However I continue to go inside and gamble and was only challenged at two or three of them. A few weeks ago I went to them with my partner to verbally confirm my self exclusion and show my face in hope that it would work. I found this very hard but also a relief and haven't been in to them since for fear of being recognised. This hasnt stopped me gambling though as I have started to use others outside the centre. There are around 180 shops in my town so finding one isnt hard even when I actively try to avoid them.
My partner has control of my money, my wages get paid into her account. I must say that when I do not have access to cash I feel great! I have no urges or thoughts about gambling and I feel calm and happy, knowing my money is safe and I physically cannot gamble it and I would really reccomend this to anyone as it works much better than any other barrier, to me anyway. However I also realise that this isnt addressing the root of the problem and the moment I have some money I am struggling to resist the temptation. For instance today I went out on my own to do a food shop as my gf was asleep after working a night shift, she gave me some money to do this and it was hard driving to the supermarket past numerous bookies. The only reason I am able to gamble day to day is my job. I collect small amounts of cash throughout the day (~£100) that I am unsupervised with and accountable for. I often gamble this money and must use my wages to replace it. I love my job and earn a good wage, but often I lose half or all of my weekly pay before ive even got it! I feel as though the only way I can be free of access to gambling is by leaving my job, knowing I couldn't get another job earning what I do now and thats a hard thought to bear.
Thanks and all the best to you all,
G
Hi and welcome
You are in the right place and I hope you will continue to use the forum to build up a strong recovery. I learnt a great deal about gambling addiction and its power of mind control.
Please ring gamcare as many times as you like for the one to one voice.
There is no shame in admitting to a gambling addiction and I hope you will now start to see that there is a pride in getting your self respect back. Your blocks must be stepped up to a new level and that means self exclusion from everywhere and reinforcing that they know of you and are watching out for you. Its a worrying sign if you have been back in anywhere. It was a good idea going in with your partner as a witness where you need to make it clear that you dont want to gamble anymore and should not feel welcome there.
Yes there are many bookies in a city. You can mass exclude but you must also ensure that you are not wandering around with cash. For example I had to have someone witness my bills being paid in the bank. I told them that I was not to be handed any cash. If it was money for a shirt I proved the purchase or they could rightly assume I was gambling with it
It is a good feeling is someone is keeping your money safe. You should feel a great sense of relief that you are getting help.
I cant cover everything in my first reply but you must focus on a worrying sign that you are handling amounts of cash during the day. That can be a pure trigger point until you build a healthy mind again.
Its not about treating you like a baby but while you recover you need to be on a very small allowance and providing receipts. You need to regularly discusss your feelings with your partner.
Youve seen the depths that gambling takes you down to. If you dont stop now it will take you to new depths. Youve returned to gambling because that is the addiction talking. The reality is the empty cupboards and debts. The addiction is so powerful that it abandons reality for a short term fix.
What youve written there is great and you also need to say that again to people close to you. There is no room for half measures but you will get there by doing the right things
Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling of self respect
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
good Morning to both of you
im joe im a compulsive gambler who has sunk to there new depths this weekend , i feel in mind anyway as i just lost all sense on control whilst at my friends house this weekend and gambled significant amounts on his sofa whilst under influence of a lot of drink & drugs and didnt call my girlfriend all night who is pregnant (heavily ) and we have a child . We had a major argument b4 hand and my selfish mind stupidly thought ill go have a binge instead and manning up and going home with my salary safetly in my bank account , the feeling of utter despair after the event is the most unbearable feeling , the restlessness , the dread the guilt i GOT TO stop as its killing every part of me nad my life , i need help so bad , that was the feeling i woke up , i then had to go home sat morning , i been playing it in my mind get a taxi , no ill walk home on the other side of southampton BAD DESCION 845am after only a hour of sleep and my mind reeling i thought ill take the rest of my money out and go into a empty bookies you all know and go again , sweat pouring down me as this money is for my children , food , rent , getting to work and back , i knew i was in big trouble when i get home and this addiction prays on u when you are weak and i ws totally vulnerable , deposit after deposit , had a win which would of took me back to evens , did i stop > did i f**k? 15min later that it all gone , the story and my life destruction carried on and on all weekend i won,t ramble on anymore but im so sick and unwell and really struggling to carry on but the worst bit is i owed money to a dealer that i had kept back to pay (as he knows where i live )just to blow it the next day and no physically way of getting funds who puts there family at risk like that for a spin of a ball , its far from my first time i hit self destruct mode and now my own gf / ex gf / other family want to tell child services i can,t look after my kids as i got gambling addiction and cant provide , but i love my little girl to bit,s and still got a decent job so this is my day 1 , i need all your guys help , your post has hightlighted we are not alone we gotta to be srong or die trying
joe ( im going post this in recovery diary too please keep in touch this next weeks are going be so hard )
Thanks for the reply Joy.
You're so right in saying that having cash on my person is a trigger. While it is my pocket I am constantly fighting a battle with urges, trying to drive past the next bookies without stopping. Some days are easier than others to resist this temptation. But restricting the access to cash unsupervised isnt an option as I am in the city centre and further afield daily for my job with money I have taken from clients, so I am having to rely heavily on willpower and where that fails hope that the self eclusion works. I am on day 5 GF today which is the longest I have gone in a long long time so I am feeling quite hopeful.
I do need to add every single bookies to my self-exclusion list.,and then visit them all personally to show my face. This really helps me to not return there for fear of being recognised. It frustrates me that you cannot self exclude automatically from all of them. I almost gave up and hung up when I first called the service as I was feeling so stressed out by it all, the operator insisted I had to manually recite every establishment I wanted to exlcude from. They said that this was to stop me going to a place I didnt know was there. I thought this was ridiculous, and counter productive. Lo and behold when I called back last week to add some more outside of the city I found that there were some in the city that the I was still not excluded from! I was sure that I requested them but whats done is done I guess. Just think it isnt a very good system. Also what was worrying was that when I went with my partner to them about half of them didnt even have my sheet there in the self exclusion book, even though they were on my list.
Joe- Sorry to hear your story mate. I know exaclty the desperate feelings you are going through right now. I know it wont help in resolving your current situation but I will say you need to get your gf or anyone you trust to look after your finances. It will greatly limit how often and how much you can gamble.
Try to treat this as the wake up call you need to give up for good. This addiction will make you do things you would have never dreamt of. I am sure you will get some better advice from someone more qualified to give it than me on here.
Stay strong,
G
Thank You G
im trying so hard to put on a normal face at work , think we are splitting up so i cant ask my gf she prob rinse my next pay check for me , gotta have to ask my parents to help just have money for transport and food and go cold turkey and take it seriously
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