My Story

Hi everyone, my name is Michael, and I am an addict. 

After years of denials and delusional behavior, that I can gamble my way out of my money worries, I came clean to the people I care for the most, my partner and my parents. But it wasn't as straight forward as an upfront admission. I knew I had bad, well absolutely atrocious credit, and there's nothing more that me and my partner want for our child is a house we can call a home.

Yet, I convinced myself I could gamble things right. I lied to myself and most importantly, my partner that my debts where under control, all the while having internal battles with myself, each day being more and more convinced that, somehow, after years of problem gambling, it could make things right.  Even going as far as telling her that I was in the clear. 

On Monday things came into the open, she learned that I was still in debt, and I finally admitted to my problem. This has, quite frankly, been the worst day of my life so far. And I know I can't even imagine how she feels. My addiction has taken away something that we long for most. What if I had realised how bad my gambling has been sooner? What if I didn't get myself into so much denial? But this is where I am. 

Personally speaking, yesterday was the first time since my not so gracious admission, that I was home alone. I dropped my child to her grannies so I could get a sleep to prepare for a nightshift. I got home, and wept. The realization of what I have done, and the hurt I have caused took over. I am not a bad guy, at least I tell myself, but this has made me be a bad guy. How I am still in the apartment with my family, and not kicked out, is honestly beyond me, and I would not begrudge her doing that. Honestly, I deserve it. I fear losing everything I hold most dear. 

I worry over the financial aspect, now I am in a very good job albeit stressful at times, and I know that I can pay off my debts in a realitively quick period of time, certainly in under a year. But that is not my main worry. Selfishly, I am worrying about my mental health, I have been through periods of depression before, but I was never medicated or sought help, but this feels nothing as severe as I have felt before. I am not suicidal, but the notion has crossed my mind that maybe people would be better off without me, but I know in my heart that this is never something I would ever act on, I know that I have too much to live for. 

But my biggest worry is how can I regain the trust that has been absolutely shattered. I am under no illusions that it's a mammoth ask, and I will always strive to gain some semblance of trust, and be a better man, partner and dad. 

As of now, all I know is that I suck. I have behaved like an absolute a*****e, and I currently feel as if I don't deserve the people around me. 

I am now finishing day 5 of not gambling. I have registered with gamstop, and I plan to make use of the helplines. I do not miss the worry about goals being scored in football games, but I obviously still have the delusions that I can win by gambling. But, despite that, I do not miss it. Not in these very early days at least.