So first of all thank you in advance to anyone who reads this. I feel I need to get my story out, something that no one but myself and God really know the truth out. Some people in my life know the partial truth, but one on this earth but myself knows the real truth except for those of you who finish this story. I could write a novel about my gambling experiences, maybe a few actually, I’ll do my best to summarize my story as best I can. I’m 36, I live in the US and have my entire life. I am married with a 2 year old son and another son joining us in less than a month. I love my wife, son, and unborn son dearly. It baffles me I have gotten myself to this point and makes me question do I love them because if I did how did I do this to us (and they don’t know). I began gambling when I was 18 on sports. I actually gambled much younger at the track with my father who loves the horses but he himself is not a big gambler. He loves the sport of it. $2 is a big bet for him and he does it only while attending the track. I gamble online and bet anything that moves.
American football is my biggest weakness, but I’ve been betting live in game bets on any event that I can at any time of day. I will log in and see a Russian basketball game going on and will throw money on the 1st quarter over/under knowing ZERO about the game, teams, players involved, or anything at to do with the match whatsoever. I have bets going on while at work, constantly checking the score to a handball game halfway around the world, or while driving (thank the Lord I’ve not wrecked and hurt someone else). My first thought upon waking up has been how much do I have in my betting account and what is going on at 6AM I can bet. Usually Asian basketball at that time for me. I have had huge wins in the past and huge losses. In 2012 I turned $600 USD into $181,000, and lost ALL of that in a matter of a week. What I have done has made me sick. I feel like I truly have wasted so much of my life and used it in a way that it shouldn’t have been used for. I have missed so many moments. I have had my wife or son spending time with me, only to pull my phone out and act like I’m checking a work email to check the status of a game, or run to the bathroom to see the scores to my games. I think to myself I can still have a lot of gambling free life ahead of me, and I hope that’s the case. I wish so much I would have never gambled, my life would be so much better emotionally, financially, and in so many other ways.
So I come from a family that is upper middle class, maybe even lower upper class financially. My grandad worked hard his entire life through the Great Depression, he pinched pennies, he saved up money for my father (his only child) and myself and sister (his only grandchildren). I have a trust fund he established for me. When I turned 30 I got 1/3, another 1/3 at 35, and the final at age 40. The one I got at age 30, I blew ($190,000 or so) in a matter of months). I met my wife at age 31 and by then the money was blown. She noticed I gambled a lot. I didn’t hide it from her, we were so early on in our relationship she couldn’t say anything to me about it. Well when we got married she asked me to slow down and I did. She told my sister about me blowing my trust money, my sister told my father, and it was bad. I think he lost time off his life how much I hurt him. I’ve never seen my father that upset, mostly just silence is what I got from him. I promised to him I would stop, I wasn’t in debt, I just didn’t have a savings. Well I stopped for a while, then got back into it (2014 time frame). My wife was so upset, she threatened to leave me. I promised her I’d stop, she said if you father found out it would break him. Well I stopped for a while, then slowly seeped back in again and again and again. This was my cycle and has been for the last few years. I gambled just under an amount that my wife wouldn’t realize I was doing it. I made good money so we were never in debt, but never saved much. She’s a big spender so between her spending and my gambling, we just lived paycheck to paycheck but the gambling of mine was hidden within our everyday spending. Basically she didn’t know what was going on and still doesn’t.
December 1st, 2017. I had a spiritual moment with God, I stopped cold turkey. I didn’t have the urge to do it anymore. I stayed clean for almost 7 months. My wife went on a vacation with her friend, our son, and her friend’s children in late May of this year. I haven’t had the house to myself since I was a single man. After work for that week I’d come home and eat chicken wings and drink beer and watch sports. Things I did when I was single but don’t now. I usually eat a healthy meal cooked by my wife like baked chicken, green beans, and carrots. We watch children’s shows on TV with our son if we watch TV. Well during this week, I had the thought, why not throw a small amount into my betting account just while I have the house to myself and can watch sports. My spiritual moment faded, I thought yeah this sounds like a great idea. I threw $200 or so in and lost quick. Then another $200, and so on. You know the cycle and where this goes. The funny thing is I knew where it would go too, but thought MAYBE just MAYBE I can make some money this time…of course not.
I would find myself throughout the course of the day doing nothing but thinking of my next bet, turning over in bed with my phone under the covers hidden as I check the score to some game in Australia, and constantly feeling nervous, guilty, sad, like a bad dad and husband and son, and like a complete loser/failure in life. I would win just enough that those feelings would disappear and I would think OK, I can get back what I’ve lost since getting back in and then quit for good. Of course that didn’t happen. Now I have 2 loans ($30,000 total) I have taken out and used a hidden email for loan statements, I have lost our bitcoin account which had $11,000 in it and I have racked up another $9,200 on a credit card.
I decided I’m so far past being out of control that I need to stop. This was yesterday (October 17th, 2018). I have another son coming next month. I’m not as joyous about this as I should be because of how depressed I am right now. I need to stop for him, for my other son, and for my wife. I also need to stop for myself. I’m tired of this ruining my life. I’m tired of all the bad thoughts and feelings I have. I want to be normal.
Because I’m in the US and online gambling isn’t legal here, I have filed a dispute with my bank on the credit card charges ($9,200) to get that money back. I did this in the past with another online book and it works just fine. There are two reasons I’m doing this, number 1 I’m getting back that money I desperately need, but #2 I will be banned from this sportsbook after this. I actually was banned from the other one whose charges I disputed and was put on a blacklist of most other sportsbooks. Somehow this current one I’ve been using didn’t see my name on the blacklist I guess. Either way they got a lot more than the $9,200 from me that I’m getting back from the charge back. The 2 loans I have are on 5 year payback plans. I am going to get those paid down fast. Hopefully within 18 months. The bitcoin money I’ll put back in the account with my credit card and then payback the credit card over the next 1-2 years. I know I should tell my wife and probably my father, but I have thought heavily about it and decided not to. My wife would possibly leave, or if not our relationship will never be the same. Her anxiety would be terrible and I can’t see many pros in telling her vs all the
cons that would come with it. So I know most of you won’t agree with this, but I don’t think I will tell her. I just need to make sure I don’t ever do this again. I hate what I’ve become. Gambling is truly evil to me.
Hi US, Read your story a couple of times to take it all in. Your story is the same as mine and many other problem gamblers here. Along with the financial losses gambling also destroys, relationships, families, your employment etc. It also turns good people into secretive liars who cannot be trusted. You become entangled in a web of secrets, deceit, manipulation and lying to cover your tracks. Gambling robs you of your self respect, confidence and dignity, not to mention the sleepless nights and mental issues it can cause.
Your story has it all, massive losses, loans and credit card debts and you lying to try and hide what you have done, clearly family relations have been badly affected due to your gambling addiction. Many of us here will relate to your story because we have done the same things.
You have been a gambler for so many years that there is absolutely no chance of you now quitting on willpower alone, the fact that you are trying to hide all the debts means you are being secretive and dishonest which gambling addiction thrives on. The advice is on this site, you urgently need to confess to someone that you have a gambling addiction, you need someone to control all of your finances and they need to check your credit file, to make sure you are not slyly trying to obtain further credit, which is what you have been doing.
You will never beat this without support, you may go clean a few months but you will go back to it if you do not put a real plan in place. The inheritance you collect at 40 will be gambled away like everything else otherwise, you have a family to support now, do not destroy their lives through your gambling addiction.
All the best
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