My name is Brian and I have had a gambling addiction to fruit machines for the past 20 years. I recently went 88 days without gambling, but since the new year I have gambled twice and am determined to stop for good. I have a lot of support in place, but last Saturday I gambled again. I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings about my gambling experience on Saturday, and hopefully it will help other people in a similar situation, or help other people to see my situation clearer.
The bright and radiant sunshine disappeared in the blink of an eye, as I entered the arcade. My sense of purpose for the day had been lost, as I faced the evil monsters of the fruit machines. Their hypnotic bright lights drew me closer and closer, until I was trapped by their great power. They surrounded me from all sides, and the arcade had turned into my prison cell. I felt completely trapped and all my senses and emotions had been taken over. Time seemed to stand still for what seemed like an eternity. I piled more and more money into the machines. It felt as though the machines were laughing at me and mocking me for giving away all my money to them. I felt totally out of control and totally powerless to stop myself gambling more and more. I felt weak inside, and felt as though I had been shackled to the machines, with no means of escape.
Eventually after several hours of pain and despair I found the strength to break away from the evil monsters of the fruit machines. I stumbled outside being watched by a menacing grey and cold sky. I was free from the fruit machines for that day - my nightmare was finally over. I felt completely numb, and every thought had been drained from my mind. I walked the short journey to the train station to begin my journey home. My heart was filled with pain and tears, and I felt totally alone.
Out of nowhere I felt a gentle breeze blowing through my hair and I heard a small voice talking to me. It said ‘Don’t give up hope, persevere and be strong, believe in yourself and your addiction will disappear from your life.’ At that moment I felt calm again and my heart was filled with determination, and a new sense of hope for the future.
Today is day 1 without gambling. My aim is to reach 50 days and my ultimate goal is to reach 100 days. I am determined that this will happen.
Well done on starting again. You've done 88 days already and I'm sure you will do this again. Self-excluding from the arcades would be a great start.
Here's to a gamble-free future. Take care xx
Hello Brian 1976 and welcome to the forum.
Having the determination goals that you have can only be helpful to you. You may also find it useful to look at self exclusion as a practical step in stregthening your determinataion. Self exclusion is when you ask a gambling operator to exclude you from gambling with them for a certain amount of time it can be between 6 months and 5 years. You will need to take with you two passport size photos to self exclude. Please find information attached in the link for self exclusion http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/self-exclusion#.VpwNRPmLQdV .
I hope you have found it helpful to write down your thoughts and feeling here and please keep posting
Caroline
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