Might as well start from the beginning. I'm 30 now. I think it all started back when I was about 16. I remember being in an amusement arcade with a friend and putting £1 into a Pink Panther fruit machine, nudging down two red sevens then the three buttons started flashing. "Don't hold anything, just spin it" the older man to my left said. I took his advice and , lo and behold, the third seven spun in and I won the £6.00 jackpot. Things have kind of escalated since then. I only ever really played fruit machines for the first few years. Until I was 18 I only ever played in the arcades. Once I was old enough to drink I would play them in pubs and clubs. I remember on numerous occasions disappearing from the company I was with because I had spent every penny I had. When I started at uni 75% of my student loan went into the £1000 jackpot fruit machine in the union. I also joined my first casino when I was 21 and loved every minute I spent in there. The two and a half hour walk home wasn't as enjoyable though. Fruit machines and casinos were where I gambled until I was 26. I then started working as a croupier in a casino. This, I thought, was a step in the right direction as legally, I couldn't set foot in any casinos. I was wrong. I learned the game of roulette inside out from all the different payouts to betting strategies. I decided to take what I'd learned and put it to good use in the only place I could. The roulette machines in the bookies. This was one of my biggest mistakes. My other big mistake was learning the ins and outs of Texas Hold-Em poker through initially dealing it in the casino to expensive home games on pay day with fellow croupiers. Between roulette machines in the bookies and online poker I'm destroying whats left of my already paralysed life. On the roulette machines I've won over £3000 on three occassions in one day. I've lost the same amount in the space of a couple of hours. Whilst staying at my parents house one weekend I took my stepmothers credit card from her purse and deposited £1000 into an online poker account. I couldn't even have benefitted financially from this I did it purely for the thrill of playing. Luckily, my family decided to forgive me for this and saw it as a cry for help. At the moment my wages get paid directly into my fathers bank account. He makes sure that my bills and rent are paid and feeds me money as I need it but I still have an incredible urge to gamble. Just two hours ago he gave me £200 to get new clothes and shopping. I went staight to the bookies. I spent £195 and kept the £5 which has to last me the week. No matter how much help my family seem to offer me I keep throwing it back in their faces. I also have a girlfriend I have been seeing for about six months now. I kept my problem from her for the first four months but recently told her everything after we ended up in a casino one night. (I'm no longer a croupier) She was upset but offered to support me as long as I promised her that I wouldn't gamble again. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I thought she would be a rock solid reason for me to stop but the thoughts of gambling still prevail. Will there ever be an end to the turmoil I'm in? I wasn't really sure what to write on this forum but I feel a bit better for writing it.
******I POSTED THIS OVER 4 YEARS AGO!!!!!*****
A brief summary of the last few years
Moved into a flat with my girlfriend and move about from one job to another. Gambling wasn't really an everyday occurance but when I did it, I did it big. My girlfriend and I had huge fights over the years but we always got over it. Then in September 2011 I inherited about £24k from my grandmother who passed away. I gave £10k to my father to look after for me, paid of about £6k worth of debt and spent the remaining £8k over a period of about 4months (the majority of it on gambling although my girlfriend and I did get a holiday out of it). Then my girlfriend was asked to be bridesmaid at her best friends wedding in September last year.......in Las Vegas. About 20 of us booked up for a fortnight and I spent a whole year looking forward to it. By the time the Vegas trip came around I only had £2500 left with my father and that was our spending money for Vegas. The whole fortnight was torture! My girlfriend was in control of my bank card which meant that we basically fought every day as I was trying to get more money out of her. I avoided going on the day trips to the Grand canyon etc so that I would be left on my own with a cash allowance to gamble. The two week period sent my gambling brain into overdrive that I still haven't recovered from. The day we got back from Vegas I had just been paid and I took my card from my girlfriend, went straight to the casino and lost everything we had to live on for the next month. I ended up in hospital after threatening to kill myself to night staff in a hotel. That, after four years of the same recklessness and the terrible holiday with all her lifelong friends in Vegas was the final straw for her. She kicked me out of our flat and I went to live with my parents until I could find somewhere else to live. I started a university course in September last year, in accountancy believe it or not (you couldn't make this stuff up) and that combined with a full time night shift job and the break up with my girlfriend was just too much for me to deal with at the same time. I took a month off work when I went to stay with my parents and concentrated on studying for my first year exams. When I found a flat for myself I returned to work only to be let go.
NOW - I'm living on my own, trying to survive on £50 a week which is what is left from my student loan after my rent and bills are paid. The problem is that I'm spending £45 a week as soon as I get it in the bookies. I need to stop this and sort myself out once and for all as I can't go on like this. I'm not eating, not sleeping and I'm spending every waking minute not studying like I should be but playing, play for fun, slots online. I mean seriously, 8 - 10 hours a day, it's crazy. I want to start a recovery diary and try and post each week to see if it helps at all. Thanks for listening.
hey you need to go see the doctor first off, they will give you something to help you sleep! thats where i found out about this site, my doctor. She wasn't judgemental just very kind and caring and she said I would be suprised at the number of people in the same boat living a secret life!
My problem is emotion related, only found that out for sure yesterday as I have been gamble free for a couple of weeks now and had a bit of an upset and that was my first thought, set up a new account. I didn't thank god but could so easily have done it!
Think how it is ruling your life, get angry with the people who own these companies that are ruining your s and so many other peoples lives and think of them as the enemy and fight them if it is easier!
Good luck, the support on here is great
x
Thanks csmum, thanks for replying. I've been to the doctors twice in the past. The 1st time I was referred to a mental health nurse who after my first meeting with her didn't show up and secondly I went to an alcohol and drugs addiction centre who's response was, in their words, "we don't really get any gamblers here!?" I understand what you mean when you say it is emotion related. My gambling always seems to be worse when I'm going through a difficult time although I don't consider myself to be a very emotional person. I sometimes find it hard to get angry at the owners of betting companies and casinos as I feel that this is the only thing in my life which brings me any enjoyment. After a heavy loss in a casino one night I asked to speak to the manager to self exclude myself. They brought me out a form to sign and I burst into tears because I couldn't bring myself to sign it. The embarrassment factor alone, however, kept me from returning to that casino which I have since self excluded from. Thanks again for your response. This was going to be my Day 1 but I've already gambled today 🙁
you are welcome 🙂
Seriously I am not experienced enough in this to be of much help apart from to tell you to try another GP, I have been sorely tempted this wekeend but my anger at the companies and the advertising on TV right now is enraging me! when are the government going to realise what is going on here??? we are a small minority of what is going on in this country I think it is an enormous problem gthat is going to come to light with women at home with young children gambling and when husbands have gone to bed (I was included in that). Really worrying. But think you need more support than you will get on here, think you need to get in touch and see a counsellor from here, from what i can gather they can help you get in touch with someone.
Please please be strong 🙂
Hello nokturnal,
I'am a complusive gambler also, I ended up enrolling into out patient therapy. Have you tried that yet? It has been a great help to me, I have 1 on 1 therapy every week. We also attend a group meeting once a week, and for the first hour of that we have education on the causes and effects of gambling. I posted a chart on the intros forum, ( A CHART OF COMPULSIVE GAMBLING AND RECOVERY ) It helped me out alot to understand where I was in the downward process. The great thing is once you stop gambling, you start on the upward side of recovery. If you end up going back to gambling you don't start on the winning phase, you return to where you left out before. I hope this helps you out, and stay strong, we can all beat this demon together.
Sincerely,
Chicagoguy
Well, it's just over a year on, over 5 years since my original post. It'd be great to be posting here to say that I am no longer gambling and how much better my life is but I can't. Just finished my phone interview today with a debt management charity. I've managed to gamble my way into debt with 8 different payday loan companies which I can no longer afford to juggle payments to. We worked out I have around £4k worth of non-priority debt to start chipping away at and the £50 a month the charity will take to deal with my creditors is a fraction of what I've been paying each month to lenders. After the phone call I enjoyed about 2mins of a nice feeling of a weight being lifted before my mind immediately turned to how best to gamble with the extra money I'm going to have available. What is wrong with me??? It's gotten to the point now, after more than half my life gambling that I honestly can't imagine going on without it. How can I write off such a massive period of my life? I'd be in a better position had I just came out of prison after 20 years. I'm sitting here writing this having not eaten anything but porridge since Friday, in my mind, not because I've gambled but only because I've lost. I can't handle the reality of how I have ruined my life so I keep the "dream world" of potential big wins firmly in place, firstly, so I can sleep at night and secondly so I can prove that I haven't wasted my life and I knew best. I know it's the easier option to keep the facade in place. The harder thing to do is to give it all up, accept responsibility for the car crash that is my life and turn things around but I just don't think I'm strong enough. I wish someone could just turn up at my door, take me away somewhere and make me better. I gamble to escape my life and I think that is more important to me than food, clothes, shelter and the people who used to care about me. Thanks for reading.
hi nokturnal, a heart-wrenching story. I feel that your gambling has not only destroyed your life but also your mental health. You need intensive help at this point. Do try getting in touch with Gordon Moody association, link here : http://www.gordonmoody.org.uk/ . They offer intensive, even residential courses & can help to get your life back on track. And give you a roof over your head & feed you while they do it. You've lost sight of what's normal. Maybe look up ' impulse control disorder ' ?
You can get a free blocker for 'trial' for 28 days here : http://www.plevna.f9.co.uk/block-gambling-with-txnogam.htm
I feel it's important that you try to avoid even playing for 'fun' or 'play money' on slots etc, that just keeps the fires burning & so when you do have money again the frustration has risen within you to such a point that you are powerless to resist. There is a reason why online betting companies offer freerolls, free play etc, it's so that they can keep you hooked even when you're skint, 'til the day comes when you have money to give to them again. Also try GA again, even if you've been before ? But do try Gordon Moody for very intensive help. It's a shot to nothing to apply, and it sounds as though you have nothing much left to lose. You can copy/paste your posts here in your application to them. Best wishes.
Hi nok
You mention being afraid to write off the last half of your life by changing who you think you are but if you carry on gambling you will be writing off you future too.
I really hope you can get the help you need.
Linda
Hi nokturnal - From reading your last post I do feel that you are strong enough to conquer this gambling curse; you are beginning to analyse why you gamble and that's an important first step - trying to understand what the trigger is. You say that you see your predicament as being the result of your losing rather than gambling - you know deep down that this is self-deception. You are eating porridge - the gambling industry bosses are eating caviare. Think about that.
Seek the help that has been suggested in the previous posts and try to log on to this site every day for support and inspiration.
You can do it.
Best wishes,
Joanna
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