New here

Hi!

I'm from Brazil and been struggling with gambling since 2023. Don't know exactly  the day it became a problem, but when it did, it was disastrous.

Long story short, i suffered  bullying at school when i was a kid, heavy things, nicknames, humiliation etc and since then i lost joy in things, it constantly feels like the kid in me is stuck somewhere inside and all my life is in autopilot.

I started gambling in 2020, mid covid situation, had nothing to do, always loved sports and it was just fun and games at the beginning. The problem is it started to give me the feeling i missed my whole  life, i felt powerful when winning and the adrenaline when just playing, even if it was a loss.

Things got heavy as life did too. 2023 was a rough year for me, lots of downs and stress. My job was terrible, had a breakup, realized some "friends" didn't give a d**n about me and was still dealing with all my past problems with no success.

Gambling became a way out of all of it and i started spending a lof of time in it. At first i was lucky enough to win most of my bets, felt good, better than ever before, could buy whatever i wanted, and say proudly it was from betting. But things shifted quickly and i was not ready mentally to deal with. Started to lose my money, half of my incomes and more.

Everytime i had a bad day, week, i would just run and bet to feel something.

September of 2023 was the first time i spoke to someone about it, my current girlfriend. Just had a big loss at the time and for the first time ever was in debt.

She was and still is very supportive with all of this, she knows i struggle with addiction, but it is just too strong sometimes and i can't just stop.

Lying to people around me is the worst part of it, pretending to be ok, pretending i am not gambling, pretending it is not the only place where i can feel something.

In the present moment i'm broke, not only in finances, but im really trying to get help and get better, for me and for all the people surrounding me.