New Here - Not gambled for just over a year, however im facing up to the consequences

Dear ian1morris,

Thank you for joining our forum and sharing your story.  Clearly, you are making great headway in your recovery, with one year behind you - well done! We are glad that your friends offered you their support at a time that must have been incredibly difficult. However, despite this you are able to look forward and this is so important to your well being.  Feel free to make use of our chatroom and our helpline/netline so you can get optimal support for yourself. We appreciate that you are  holding a hand out to others who may be struggling.

Best wishes

Fiona, forum Admin

I want to take the opportunity to congratulate you on not only being a year gamble free but for having such a tremendous outlook. What you have been through is an awful ordeal and has taken its toll on you in so many ways. It is difficult to move on from the past while you are still living with the consequences of it. This is not easy to do and it is also what I am facing right now. My gambling is 2 years behind me but my debt and all my problems and my poor mental health is stalking my present. Having the investigation hanging over you is also very difficult and it is very important for you to take extra care of yourself at this time and reaching out is very important.

I have been struggling a lot lately with guilt, depression and deep regret. I have been doing some reading and will share a few things that I took from it that really helped me to focus and I hope it will help you too.

You have made great progress and shared your story to those around you which shows great courage and a determination to break free from the addiction. It drives us to do terrible things, but it is the addiction that is terrible, not us. We are very much along for the ride. But the shame and remorse can be heavy and difficult to move past. Here's hoping this lightens the load for you. Life is hard and we all crack some times. In my experience, it is these cracks that let the light in and allowed me to come out a better, stronger more mindful version of myself. Sometimes these adversities in our lives can really bring about a change that was always going to be necessary. We don't always see it at the time but we are steered in ways that help to move us forward. I might have taken the difficult route, but I believe very much that my addiction has served me well and despite the hardship and the adversity, I am a better version of myself now and can offer so much more to those around me.

Thank you for reaching out to others on the forum. Doing this amidst your own turmoil is a beautiful thing and was much appreciated this morning when I read your post. 

People can often use gambling to find purpose, approval, validation...what can help when we recover is finding ways to validate ourselves in the right ways, through positive connections like you are doing with your two children. Finding your focus, working on your strengths and not punishing yourself for your weakness. We all need validation in our lives but seeking it in positive ways like strengthening the connection to our families, our work and our communities gives us a great sense of purpose and belonging and can help reaffirm our values. 

Something I've learned recently is to focus on the process of change, not the outcome. All to often, the effects of gambling can hang around for years and if we continually look ahead and think...'I'll be happy when.......' then we are not embracing the process of change and appreciating those all important moments that change brings.

I have seen zero benefits financially from giving up gambling. I am still in awful debt and my income has been cut, and my accounts are all over limit. It's been like this for two years, despite not gambling once in that time.

For a long time, I have looked at it that I will be so much better when I am done with the debt, but while I am obsessing over figures and how the future looks, I am not embracing the present. I am not living in the present, but living for a time when I deem the future will be better.

I am not able to move myself forward as a person because I am not living in the moment and connecting properly to those around me.  I have looked at it that the debt is my punishment for gambling, and so while it is still there, I am still tied to my mistakes. This has hindered my recovery because it means that I don't see all the other benefits of leaving gambling behind. Things like a new found sense of self, motivation, feeling calm and less stressed, more mentally stable, having a sense of direction and reconnecting to my family and feeling part of life again. 

All those things are far more meaningful than debt, and so I am learning to appreciate that change is a process and it is not immediate with immediate effects. I know that I need to focus on the all important process of change and the pride that comes from bettering yourself and put less focus on the outcome of change. 

Learn to forgive yourself. If you can learn to let go of the past, then your past will let go of you too. Come to terms with what happened and don't wear your mistakes like they define you. What defines you is the way that you move on from this. The past is nothing more than a story that we repeat. We don't have to carry it with us. Carrying our past around with us affects the here and now. It means we can't properly move on. We need to learn to forgive our mistakes and feel that we deserve to be happy now. Surround yourself with people who remind you that you are a good and valued person. Believe that you deserve to be happy and that you can be happy again. Learn to see your own value and what you can be and don't focus on what you were. Accept that there would have been reasons why you gambled and don't put all the blame on yourself. You did not choose this life. Gambling found you because you likely needed it at the time. Whatever your reasons, they were your reasons and leave it at that. Learn to say enough is enough, look ahead and don't look back. 

One thing I have always wrestled with is guilt around being happy some days. I punish myself for what I did and think that I deserve to be miserable. When I do this, I realise I punish my family too because even though I am not gambling any more, they still don't have me back. I have to accept that they have forgiven me and that the money is gone, and that they just want me to be happy again. It's not about the money for them, they are happy when I am happy and I can see that now. If I let go of the past and forgive myself too then we can all move past this together. It is me who is keeping myself tethered to the past, not my debt. I need to let go and embrace change and live only for the day I am on. This is what Mindfulness is and it saved my life.

Know that you cannot change what happened in the past, you can only change the future by changing the things you do in the present. Obsessing over the past changes nothing in the past, but it steals the present and sabotages the future. 

I wish you all the very best and hope that things will work out for you. Keep posting on the forum and keep reaching out. No one has to go through this alone. 

Rebuilding together.

Great words my friend, it has given me a boost and confidence that things will get better.