New Member - If I can, you can - May be worth reading (Long but True Story)

Hi to everyone on here,

I am a new poster albeit I have been browsing the forum a lot of late.
This is quite a long story and one I was apprehensive to write due to the fact that quite simply (and I am of course ashamed of this, and don't take it as a positive badge of honor), I thought I would be looked down on due to the sheer volume of my losses and what gambling did to me. I will try to cut this down into bullet points.

I started gambling at 22 ish after taking a very good, high paid job with a family business based in central Europe very soon after leaving school.
I was always extremely sharp, high achieving, popular and well respected.
Tapping into money early and becoming quite well known locally in the UK and of course helping to run a successful business abroad gave me an inflated sense of self-confidence which looking back could easily be seen as arrogance and a need for affirmation. Working with family, particularly aggressive fathers and controlling people can have this affect. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD off the back of various counselling sessions and a christmas in an NHS crisis home.

I became an insomniac after losing the ability to sleep due to over work and a sense of having to show i was earning my corn so to speak. I would stay up and work or visit the manufacturing plant at silly times just to get a well done from my father and our relationship was extremely toxic. 

I began to stay up all night and started watching american sports. I began capping these and giving tips online off the back of theories and trends I would create as I had quite an analytic mind.

I then started betting myself. Due to running a high turnover business with sales of up to 1m a month, I had a lack of respect for 'small money' (stupid to say it seemed anything under 10-20k was this).

I ended up, at the age of 23-24, winning just shy of ** on online sports betting.

I would love the affirmation of giving people genuine tips online and showing my winnings - its where I got my gratitude from - not work or family, but online strangers.

I then became addicted and yes, you guessed it, got silly and lost  200k which could have been a home, anything I wanted - within a month.

Whats worse?
I won it back and some within 2-3 weeks.

That forged a lack of respect for money further and meant no matter what, my mind thought - I can just win this back..

As you can imagine - this consumed me and I proceeded to lose this money and live a double life for the next 7 years or so.
Gambling all days every day. Losing prized possessions I worked hard for.
It is a very difficult thing to have nothing, I have nothing now. But the mental aspect of losing what you once had, such materialistic things like rolexs, fancy cars, savings, jewellery. This stuff is nothing to me now, but the mental aspect of knowing I had the world at my feet has ravaged me mentally.

This disease leads, as we all know, to different personalities - never mind the fact i have recently been officially medically diagnosed with BPD off the back of family conflict and the stress of working for someone like my father - a great man, a great businesssman, but a flawed individual himself with his personality and how he treats those closest to him.

It led to me leaving the family business and things I have done to fuel this hobby, which became a horrid addiction thats destroyed my life - are disgraceful.

I see myself as a good person a heart, I volunteer often at charity days, I do a lot for cancer research and the reason i decided to post today is I am 2 days away from the 2 year anniversary of my dear mother who died in 2023. She knew my issues off the back of this all coming out in 2021 - and stuck by me always. KNowing what my family was like and knowing how at heart, I am not evil.

This addiction made me take money I shouldnt have. My skills in business and ability to charm and sell - led to me using this to fuel my addiction. Lie to people, cheat, steal, scam. Everything a normal me wouldnt consider - this made me do. I have no excuses, nobody to blame no matter what my therapist tells me.

A loving partner who has stuck by me through it all - I cant be all bad if someone so good will stick by me, right?

The facts are I have lost over 1.5m£ gambling.

Hundreds of thousands of that is money i removed early from pensions, from money I shouldnt have, savings I shouldnt have.

Its meant nobody could trust me. I was wary of posting here as it was so much money, i felt more shame than if I said i have come here and lost 500£.
In the end its the same problem. the same issue. I have lost my life, and yet there were people who stuck by me. My mother - god bless her - is now gone, and I spiralled much further out of control when she died as I had no money by then - so the lengths I would go to to find money when I had non have involved the authorities, and everything you can imagine - because on the scale I've been gambling on - there is no turning back.

So in December just gone - 2024 - I made an attempt on my own life.

I am thankful now that maybe I am a coward and I couldnt do it properly, but despite some cuts, bruises and the embarrassment of police looking for me for 13 hours - I am here.

No matter what I must face, no matter what happens, I am here and we are all blessed to be here.

We all have people we have let down, but at some point we will realize that gambling and what comes of it is never the answer.
After 7 years of gambling probably 3m in stakes alone, where I would be doing 20k stakes on bets each day, not caring if they won or lost as I was a lost soul - I am now just 3 days away from 100 days gamble free.

The scary thing - I haven't been tempted once. This forum helps, and knowing I came to what I saw as the end - and I was exhausted from all the lies of course, but I am Ok right now.

Things will still come up from the past, and I truly apologize for a very long message, and this may bore people, but therapy helps. Talking helps, and I have felt good writing this.

I just want everyone to know that if I can make a start - then anyone can.

Keep going all.