Hi everyone,
I am new on here and have a bit of a story to tell - it almost feels like a trilogy. My 25 year old son started with alcohol addiction, which then turned to drugs, and he has now topped it off with gambling. He came to me for help a few weeks ago as he had received a Court notification that the housing association he rents from was going to evict him today 15.05.17. He works, and so when I asked him how he had got into this situation he provided various logical reasons - he couldn't manage money properly, he had been working away from home and it had cost him more to live, money had been taken out of his bank account which he had reported as fraud - all of which I have found out today were lies.
I paid his rent arrears to stop the eviction £3700.00.
I paid his Council Tax Arrears of £670.00 as an application was made to Court for a committal hearing (to send him to prison)
I agreed to help in this way on the understanding that I had complete control of his finances, and his wages are paid into an account in my name, from which I will pay his bills - what I percieved to be a simple problem has turned out to be a much bigger monster than I thought.
I picked up a carrier bag from him last night, filled with unopened envelopes - he owes British Gas £4050, Water usage and sewage £1000, Further council tax payments outstanding of £250, along with 12 letters from debt collecting agencies - the content of which I have not yet looked at. What he did not know was that his bank statements were also in amongst the unopened letters - he has been gambling online, sometimes 5 or 6 entries per day.
I was shocked, horrified, angry, felt mugged and then got my head around what I needed to do.
I phoned ****** and asked if they considered themselves to be responsible in what service they offered? They replied that they were very serious and committed to responsible gambling. I then explained that my son had laid bets with them on numerous occasions within each day and he had not paid his rent or any of his household bills - I have just cleared them to stop eviction and imprisonment. The guy I spoke to was very helpful and suspended the account (my son doesn't know that I have done this)
I am thinking of various ways to stop him from having access to money and have a few ideas which I have not fully explored yet. Gambling, from what I read is classed as an illness. I am going to approach my sons bank (Barclays) and ask them why they did not suspect the numerous daily transactions to online gambling sites as being a problem?
I am going to write to the Credit Agencies - Experian and Equifax and provide an account (along with documentary evidence) to show that my son should not be allowed credit from payday loans (his credit file is scuppered anyway with various CCJ's) and I will ask for a statement to be linked to his account. I feel that I will approach his GP in relation to obtaining support from the GP - my angle on this is a vulnerable adult - the definition of which is someone who is not capable of taking care of themselves - I will argue the point on this.
I am contacting all of the online gaming providers that I can muster details for - again, to question whether they consider themselves to be responsible in the service they provide?
Has anyone got any other ideas as to what I can do?
I have text my son this evening saying "I need to talk to you about your gambling"
I am not surprised to report that he has not responded, and as he doesn't know that I have his bank statements, no doubt he is manufacturing another series of lies before calling me. Thankfully he has given up the booze and drugs, so I am preparing for this next battle - if anyone has any suggestions of help it would be much appreciated.
Thank you
Karen
Hi Karen, welcome to the site 🙂
I don't have a lot of advice I'm afraid but I strongly suspect that rather than 'give up' the drugs & the booze, he has simply switched his addiction 🙁 Addictions full stop may well be classed as illnesses but they are ones that we as addicts have control over because no amount of 'medicine' by or from others can fix us. We can't be 'cured' but we can choose to accept the help to arrest our addictions.
We talk about a gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle to buy us time when the urges strike but it's not foolproof. You can get blocking software for devices (K9 is free), self exclude from venues, want to stop (willpower is not enough in its own) but we are a sneaky bunch & if anyone can get blood out of a stone (to gamble not for any other reason), it's us 🙁 Cutting off his money supply is a good barrier (no money, no gamble) but this isn't a financial illness & if you have the strength to support him through it, the best you can do is arm yourself to the teeth with knowledge.
Once the initial shock of activating the mum button wears off, you may find your emotions all over the place & can get real life support from other loved ones @ a GamAnon meeting as well as one to one support through this site via the helplines. I imagine some of the other friends & family will be by tomorrow with their support (you're not alone)!
Easy for me to say but don't take any of his lies personally...Being found out means he has to face his demons & he won't be the 1st to try & squirm out of it. This may be in the vain attempt of protecting you or equally, it may be to protect his addiction, either way, he won't have chosen to feel like this because being an addict sucks!
I don't know what he has already tried with his other 2 addictions but GamCare can provide counselling if he is willing to accept & there are GA meetings up & down the country as well as AA & NA that follow the 12 step program.
I hope you hear from him soon & as crazy as this will sound, try & take care of you. You do have a long, uncomfortable road ahead & helping him will suck the life out of you, especially if he isn't ready or prepared to help himself. Wishing you every strength - ODAAT
Hi Odatt
Many thanks for taking the time to post - your comments have really helped. You are of course 100% right in what you say - I heard from my son today (in response to my text message saying that we need to talk about his gambling) and it was - Nope, we don't. Clearly he is not yet at the stage whereby he wants to help himself.
The emotional side of it is like a roller coaster - one minute I feel strong and ready to say "that's it" and apply some tough love. Then the other side creeps in - he is an only child and the only person he has in the world to rely on is me, so if I walk away, it feels like I am abandoning him.
He is working away at the moment (genuinely) and so it will give me a bit of breathing space to get my head around what I am going to do next.
Many thanks again for taking the time to post - good luck with your journey.
Best wishes
Karen
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
