Hi,
I am Emma (or Em as everyone calls me) I am 37, mum of 3 and disabled. I have a real problem with gambling and everything i have tried so far hasnt worked long term.
I put myself on Gamstop, but still gambled. What i can't get my head around is the way my brain is. My husband found out i spent thousands and we had a massive row. In that moment i was determined to stop. I got myself signed up to therapy, i closed every account i could think of (turns out i missed one) and was sure this time i could do it. Fast forward to Monday night/Tuesday morning. I was in agony from my chronic pain syndrome and was up all night. Little ping from my inbox and there it was, the site i had forgotten, telling me i had a bonus. 'oh well, its free and gives me something to do' thats what i thought. 5 hours later, i had spent some money, yes i won some too which is coming back to me, but it didn't come back quick enough and my husband found out.Â
I have now been thru my inbox with a fine tooth comb and closed every account that wasn't closed and i messaged my therapist who got me in for a session today at midday.
I am going to download the blocker from this site, but i cant do that until i know the money i won is on its way back to me.Â
Is there anything else i can try? Im doing a degree in Health science so i know its going to take a while to remap my brains way of thinking about this, and i know that i am going to have withdrawal symptoms like depression and irritability.
The main problem I am having at the moment is my husband has lost all trust in me and hates me, but says he still loves me. He isn't going to leave me but i am finding his anger and frustration so hard to deal with. He doesn't understand addiction at all, he thinks he does because he has read things online about it, but he has never experienced it from family members, until he met me, so he isnt very supportive, he thinks he is being supportive by questioning me every few hours about what i am doing, making me sit in the living room where he can keep an eye on me, and constantly bringing up how bad i f****d up, but it isnt helping me at all. I feel smothered and he is infantilising me, which i deserve but cant handle. He doesn't understand why i did it again, actually i dont understand why i did it again, i know that my brain is completely messed up from this and its going to take a while for it to reset and go back to normal, but i feel so lost and stuck at the same time.
I plan on joining a group therapy live chat, and my therapist is going through some pretty traumatic childhood events with me to get to the root of why i am like this, but is this enough?
Hi hun, I am just like you - new, struggling and a mum. I am also 37 and have tried to quit more than once and then I would be bombarded with messages and ads and do exactly what you did!Â
I dont have any advice, but please know you are not alone. I am in the exact same boat as you bab.
Hi,Â
Take a look at Gordon Moody! They offer intense counselling treatment and retreats! It is the best thing I could have done!Â
It will get easier and all you can do is look after yourself! He will never understand if he hasn’t gone through it. This situation will probably be a trigger for you and it may well turn you back to gambling. But I do absolutely appreciate it must be really hard on him too.Â
Have you thought about giving him all financial control? So he feels more involved and you won’t have access to money? I came clean to my husband almost 2 years ago and we didn’t didn’t put this in place. Fast forward to July last year and I had doubled the debt (tens of thousands of pounds!!!) It all came out again and I handed him all financial control! Another best thing I could have done! Because I am now 175 days gamble free!Â
The main thing I learned from Gordon Moody was forgiveness, to forgive yourself. You didn’t set out to gamble and spend loads of money, it doesn’t just happen, there is always a run / reasons why it happens.
I’ve just got back from a 3 night retreat and it was nice learning different things. Now I’ll be having 8 weeks of counselling then going back on the retreat for 2 nights.Â
Take care of yourself,
ClaireÂ
Thank you so much for replying. I am currently under a gambling therapist, and honestly the amount of debt i am now in is so scary that i think this may be rock bottom for me, but its a struggle. I am not quite at the point of forgiving myself yet, i am still in the headspace of thinking i am a selfish b***h who really deserves to be alone.
My husband already has control of the finances to a certain degree, but because the majority of the money we get in is in my name, we have to have a joint account and that means i have access to it. Normally i would have spent at the most a few hundred, but because i was getting my student loan i was offered a student account with an overdraft, then they sold me a credit card, then i kept getting emails for more credit cards, and it spiralled so badly. I managed to use some real dodgy websites based in eastern europe...i just could not get myself free from them.
I am now scrambling to find a way to consolidate all the debt i have run up, ive got enquiries in with several companies and i posted on the martin lewis forum for some help from step change, so now i just have to wait. The thing is, i still have told my husband the whole truth. He doesnt know i have 4 more cards then i actually told him and every single one is maxed out. I am so scared to tell him because i know this will break us. I am not lying to him on purpose, its for a reason. I thought he was going to die when i first told him about this. He was getting awful chest pains and felt so sick and clammy, i dont want to do that to him again, so i am hoping i can get some sort of debt management in my name only (all the debt is in my name, he isnt mentioned at all on any of the cards or OD's) which i can then pay each month.
I know eventually this will all come out, i just want to give him a break before absolutely destroying him again.
God i am so selfish. Honestly dont think i have ever hated myself as much as i do now.
@hoce0mlbjp hiya hun, I just wanted to let you know your not alone. I am in a very similar position right now. My partner found out about my secret gambling addiction and it has absolutely broken us apart. This was 4 weeks ago, we have been living separately and co parenting, like your husband, my partner doesn't understand addiction and I think that is the most upsetting part in it all. We are co parenting my 3yr old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant with our second child. Everytime I see him, he is so horrible to me and it has absolutely broken me, I never ever meant to hurt him and like yourself I have now started counselling and also have gamban block on my phone.Â
Maybe a little bit of time apart might do you guys some good, I don't know its a very difficult situation but I just wanted you to know your not alone in this, just try your best to overcome it one day at a time x
Unfortunately we are in a position where he can't leave, I am disabled and he is my main carer, so we have no choice but to stay together, he also has no where to go. At the moment things are OK, i am hoping that we can work through it now.
I completely get how your feeling, especially with venom he seems to be sending your way. I do think its a bit selfish of him to be treating you like this, your pregnant, the stress of this situation is already putting strain on you, you don't need him adding to it. Have you suggested therapy for him, not because he has done anything wrong but to have someone to talk to who understands your situation and can explain to him that this is a disease, and even though you had some control over what you were doing, your brain chemistry had a lot to do with this, and us mums all know that pregnancy can really mess up your mental cognition.
He may just need a little while to think through things and if your making a genuine effort to change and to fix this, then you are doing everything you can do. It may be just a matter of time. I get it though, you want to get everything fixed right now and just get back to normal. If you ever need to talk please message me.
Hi sleeptokengirl
You are doing really well to share your situation. In case you have not already contacted us on our 24/7 helpline, please feel free to chat to us in addition to the supportive responses you are getting here on the forum. Our Money Guidance Service has this information on debt and links for getting free help https://d1ygf46rsya1tb.cloudfront.net/prod/uploads/2023/09/J055641-Gamcare-Factsheet-7-WEB-1v2.pdf
We have options for more support. We also offer ongoing support for your husband and he is welcome to contact the helpline as well.
Try to look after yourself
Best Wishes
Fiona
Forum Admin
Hi am very new to this don’t even know if I should be even writing in this . My partner has find out I was gambling when we went to do an income and expenses check for a property.he has known since October last year and only decided to tell me he knew last Thursday . He can’t understand why I didn’t tell him I’ve tried to explain that I used to gamble because I struggle explaining how I am feeling in my life ( I’ve just registered for councilling due to past issues in my life ) he says I’ve hurt him n we can’t be together but he will support me I was gambling around £40-60 a month . Am just so lost I’ve not had a gamble since last Monday and now he knows it’s like a weights been lifted but I still feel bad emotionally for not telling him
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