Hi all. Will keep story short as I've posted on here countless times and had a few relapses. My best was around 150 days without gambling but then screwed up BIG TIME in December. I'm 42, and a single mum, I have a good job as a nurse. My current situation is that I now have to live with my parents (probably for the next 6 Or 7 years due to extreme debt) and it's the most non-ideal situation ever.
My parents knew that I screwed up ONCE but have no idea that I did it several times over, and would literally throw me out if they knew the full extent. THey are of a generation that don't "get" online addiction, debt, and certainly not gambling. It's a "no go" discussion point in this house and so I feel alone a lot of the time.
Tonight I nearly had a nervous breakdown (at least it felt like that) The atmosphere here has just got worse and worse and I am literally nearly sleeping any second I get when I'm not working. I haven't cried like I did tonight before, and certainly not in front of my parents. I blamed it on the fact that my son had been unhappy and sensed an atmosphere in the house, but deep down, it was the total GUILT, DESPERATION, sense of total failure, and lack of anything to look forward to that made me so sad. My mum said something and it triggered something in me to literally cry until I was blue in the face. We all sat down and tried to be a bit more positive, and now I'm feeling a bit less stressed.
I think the stress of the past 2 weeks has caught up with me and had to come to the surface somehow.
On a negative side - over the past month I've gambled nearly £3,000 (maybe more) and had to take out 3 payday loans in 2 days. My total debt is now just over £34,000. When I realised that my monthly repayments for debt (with the new payday loans) would be nearly £900 I literally fell apart. I felt sick inside and wanted to die (yes, it was that bad).
I knew there was no way out, and that the feeling of sickness and tension wouldn't go away unless I did something constructive. So today, nearly 10 days after the feeling of being that my life was totally out of control, I got in touch with Stepchange and they have agreed a sensible amount that I can afford to pay every month. I have contacted 5 out of 9 of my creditors and they have all been amazing so far. No one has been judgmental and they have all been sensitive and sympathetic. I am dreading contacting the payday lenders because I haven't even made a payment yet, but the interest they were going to charge was literally 3 times more than I was borrowing. Totally unfair.
Another positive - I asked that my bank send me new debit card so that I can scratch the 3 security numbers off the back so I can't gamble. I have also deleted the Internet off my iPod which I generally used to gamble. My iPad doesn't let me delete my user history so anyone could pick it up and see that I had gambled. Finally, I am tempted to close my PayPal account. All my credit cards are maxed so I literally will have NO WAY of funding gambling.
My screensaver is of £10 notes being burned (to remind me that this is what I am theoretically doing) and I have used several hypnosis websites over the last few nights. I am only 3 days gamble free, but I have NO WAY of gambling even if I wanted to.
Sorry to bore you all with my story, but it may be of some help to others. There IS a way out of debt, and most people are very sympathetic. Don't suffer in silence xxxxxxxxxx
Oh bless you. It is a horrible time when the realisation hits you. Gambling is a mixture of negative emotions but sounds like you have a weight lifted off your shoulders and I'm really please you have found light at the end of the tunnel! Please don't feel alone. I often don't know where to turn to but with this you have so many people going through similar stories. I like that idea of the phone's wallpaper, burning £20 notes that's good. Did you consider going bankrupt?
Hi,
I get that you're struggling but there's a lot you can do to help yourself. Ditch your iPad in favour of something boring that can be blocked and use a non Internet phone? Tell your parents? Go to GA (there are multiple meetings in multiple locations at various times in the bigger cities)?
Nothing new or simple but it's what works. Not easy but worth it. The choice to do it or not to is yours alone.
CW
HI,
I hope that you really pull through this and come out the other side stronger and happier. My situation is similar but I dont have a child. At the moment I m trying not to think or daydream about gambling or winning big. THAT seems to be my problem. I feel I can win when in reality I am only setting up for more fails and stress.
MY win and loss swings were so big now I look at it and think What I could have had in reality had I not started 3 years ago. Instead that dream of winning big and solving my problems and living an easy life is the complete opposite.
I am now trying to think and dream about other things tthat is as far away as possible from gambling. Its hard but I m gonna try to change my brain function from the last 3 years.
Hi IHG, I was in a similar situation to you this time last year, albeit my parents have passed away so thankfully haven't been able to witness my sorry demise. I'm also a single mum, got myself into hideous debt through gambling twice, each time around the £30-40k mark. That's the problem of having a decent job/wages and good credit rating, you can get your hands on more money to blow (but then find yourself having to shop for discounted food because you can't afford to live). I sold my house, paid off the debt then got myself into the same situation again within a year. I've been there. It hurts. It's humiliating, it's ridiculous, it's mind-blowingly stupid but here we are, a site full of usually intelligent people who have all done the same thing. I'm so pleased you went to Step Change, I did the same with Payplan, and it was only then that I was able think with a bit of clarity. No more payday loans (I used to ridicule people who got them, oh how the mighty fall!), no more jumping every time the phone rings, or like you sit on my bed writing out lists of all of my outgoings and wandering which ones I wouldn't pay this month in order to just have another go at trying to win something big in order to pay off my debt. I found one of my working-out pads last week actually, whilst doing a spring clean in my bedroom, it made me feel sick - I tore each page into little pieces.
The good news is, you can do it. You've done exactly the right thing with Stepchange (although your payments seem a little high, make sure you've been realistic in what you have to live on each month). I went for an iva instead of a debt plan, my credit rating was wrecked anyway for the next 6 years to be honest. You've self excluded - tick. The gambling companies are finally getting their act together it looks like and setting up a national self-exclusion service for all online casinos, you only have to exclude once to be excluded from every site - hopefully that will go live soon. I also cancelled my Paypal account and changed my bank account to a debit card that I can't use online, only in shops and at the cashpoint. You've had a reasonable run before, I think mine was about 120 before I relapsed last time, but this time (the final time) I'm now at just over a year, the difference in my life (and my sons life) is extreme. Christmas this year was better than it has been for years - he didn't have a stressed and tearful mum to cope with, he could just get on with being happy (or moody haha!) as all kids should. As you've been on here before, there's no point going over the triangle etc as you already know but trust me, the effort really is worth it. It will be fantastic to have you celebrate your year of being gamble free on New Years Day next year.
Have you thought about why you gambled in the first place?
Twinklyr x
The emotion rollercoaster is what I hate most, your moving in the right direction....keep pushing it will pay off in the end..we just need to b strong x
Cynical wife wrote:
Hi,
I get that you're struggling but there's a lot you can do to help yourself. Ditch your iPad in favour of something boring that can be blocked and use a non Internet phone? Tell your parents? Go to GA (there are multiple meetings in multiple locations at various times in the bigger cities)?
Nothing new or simple but it's what works. Not easy but worth it. The choice to do it or not to is yours alone.
CW
Some good advice here. Looking forward to reading your progress
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