Relapsed

Hi, this is my first time writing in this group. English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes.

I'm 25 and have been gambling since I was 16. It was all fun and games at the beggining. Gambling here and there with couple of my friends. Then when I started working, most of my paycheck went straight to online casino. I started gambling alone. Feeding my mind with the ilussion I was going to win big and quit once and for all. But even though I had a few big wins the hunger for gambling continued. I borrowed money from online lending sharks and was just digging myself a hole. I became a shell of a man, not feeling anything except when I was gambling. I realized I had a problem long time ago but never asked for help. I never had a long term relationship with someone. I felt lonely and isolated. This addiction ruined my life in a way you can't imagine. I am still living in the house I grew up in. No money to my name. This all led up to one day last month when after another trip to the casino I decided to end it all. But fortunately coudn't do it. I was praying to God to save my miserable soul. My sister and brother found me they were finally introduced with the darkness that infested my mind for years. I was put into mental hospital for three weeks and promised myself not to get into gambling again. I closed all my online accounts I had and signed up for 90 day gambling addiction treatment. I was put on the waiting list. I was feeling better, got a new job and started working out again. Meanwhile I wanted to open and permanently close all online gambling sites that are legal in my country. And I relapsed again. Lost it all again. This addiction can't be rationalized. Now I recognized that I need to give access to my financials to someone else. But with this relapse my fragile self esteem took another hit. I don't want to do this anymore. I am walking on the edge of the cliff and need to watch my every step for the rest of my life. This is my life now. This is the burden I need to carry. If somebody here is in recovery I will gladly take any advice you have to offer.

Thank you for reading my story and for any helpful advice. Keep your head up and keep moving foward. You got this.