Rock bottom.

Hi andrew,

i can only echo the above comments. the support on these pages are phonomenal and we are all one big family trying to help each other reach the target of staying gamble free. i also opened up to my parents and fiancee and although it seemed the wrong thing to do at the time, it turned out to be the best thing. my fiancee is supporting my recovery so much. she keeps an eye on my finances and my parents are also helping me along the way.

keep going, we are all here for you

ben

It will be the scariest thing imaginable at the moment levelling with her mate, but its time to bite the bullet, take a step in the right direction, posting on here and hearing nice things said to you will not stop you from gambling, you need to stop yourself by putting up blockades, self excuding being one, i found sound excluding tough as it really felt like end of the road, no more lucky spins or the chance of a big win, just loads of debt to pay off, but i still echo my words which i've walked the same path as you only 18 months ago, and thats you have to tell her, even if you think she'll leave, you have to do the right thing and give yourself a fighting chance of quitting, otherwise you'll just be back here in a few days/weeks maybe months crying the poor tale of how you've relapsed and let your girlfriend down again. good luck mate.

Hi Mate

I agree with dontchase, you need to start taking some serious action for this. It took me around 2 years before I just had to say enough was enough. I dont think anything really changed, I just said to myself one day "If I dont stop this it is going to ruin my life. Over the past 2 years since I quit, life has truely been amazing. I live in a lovely flat, have a lovely partner and a great job. I remember being where you are and thinking what can I do to get rid of this. I started with a software called K9 which blocked gambling sites, I also told everyone in my family. Again it was tough to do but it was medicine the patient needed. I did gamble for a short while after all this so I believe it really all came down to me wanting to stop. Like dontchase said everyone can comfort you and say nice things but the harsh reality is staring you right in the face, you've lost it all to gambling BUT.....you can get everything back and start rebuilding your life like I did.

I started out with a few self help books, If youre looking to improve and rebuild your relationship with your partner I highly recommend Corey Wayne's "How to be a 3% man". He also has an awesome youtube channel you should check out. Anyways I hope atleast some of this advice is helpful, dont give up on yourself man. Good luck!

Dalo

Hi guys, thank you so much for all the posts, very overwhelming and great to know there is so much support out there.

Basically I got it wrong I thought it was a break, she said no I dont want to give you false hope its over. It has hit me like a tonne of bricks. It's killing me inside to think gambling is probably the root cause, if I didnt gamble we couldve had a house 2 years ago and it could all be different. Im broken. The last thing im going to do is gamble, I hate it now for ruining my life. Im going to turn this into a positive to never gamble again and rebuild. I feel like such a failure, and without her im a million miles away from a mortgage, so embarassed to still be at home for the foreseeable future with parents must feel ashamed. Im going to tell all over the weekend, hope they dont dis-own me, and then start from scratch. Thanks everyone for the advice.

Sorry to read this Andrew. I wanted to post you back but there's nothing much I can say other than you can get over this addiction and you move forward. My thoughts are with you pal. Keep your head up and try to remain positive.

"Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling "

"My problem is that I'm a secret gambler"

I was like that for, hmm, 14 years maybe. I considered myself an honest person apart from this issue - because fully admitting you are an addict, to both yourself and others is a terrifying thing!

Andrew - there were a couple of things which struck me about your post.

First, as you note, the secracy and the difficulties in your relationship are linked. Like me, gambling results in you not being psychologically present, including with your GF. Your getting your kicks from private experiencing and what's left is a shell to others. Relationships need intimacy - mental and physical. They need openness - warts and all. Admitting your own struggles is a movement towards openess and intimacy.

Second, your relationship with sugary foods is the same as your relationship with gambling. Both represent a temporary buzz to distract you from the inner-difficulties you are experiencing. I know you know this.

But what is it that is causing such a strain that you are essentially buckling under the pressure and running away from yourself?

I can't answer that. But I can tell you a bit about my own realisation. I gambled for 14 years in almost complete secrecy. I had to escape becuase my life expectations weren't being matched by my life. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror - both metaphorically and actually. I lost confidence in myself - in particular lost social confidence. The more I escaped into my gambling world the more that the real world seemed like a scary place (not that I would ever have admitted that at the time, as I was too busy trying to convince myself eveyrthing is fine).

Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you all the best with your GF. One more thing I would say is, don't just focus on 'not gambling' and 'gettting her back'.

Focussing on not gambling is important - but it's focussing on a 'negative' - in the sense your focussing on 'not doing something'. Focussing on your relationship is also important but it's at least in part out of your control, as it's a two-way street.

Why not also focus on 'doing stuff' that's positive and in your control - things linked to values that maybe were always important to you but which got left by way side. Or things which have interested you but you've never taken further.

I don't know about you but gambling replaced me living a vital life - time to reclaim it.

Best wishes

Louis

Andrew

I am sorry to hear about the break-up but you now need to focus on clearing your head and concentrate on beating the gambling and getting yourself financially stable so you can move away from your parents. I actually think your girlfriend is doing you a huge favour because losing her has maybe made you realise that as long as you carry on gambling any future relationships are likely to go the same way. Also it might be easier for you to tackle this without having to worry about her getting hurt by it all. She is being hard with you now and she needs space to come to terms with it all and sometimes that is all for the good. Obviously you will not see that right now. Just concentrate on putting your recovery plan into action and still try to talk to your parents and your family and stay on here - don't try and do this on your own. Stop feeling ashamed - just accept you have a problem that needs sorting asap - let her see you are making real steps to beat this. If she is still digging her heels in about leaving then so be it - there are plenty more fish in the sea and you still have time to make a great future for yourself.

Good luck

Hi Andrew

Just wanted to apologise as I hadn't noticed your last entry - I think I saw multiple posts and so started skipping through them. I wouldn't have framed my post in the way I did - about working on your relationship etc. Hopefully it still is of some help.

Anyway, sorry to hear about the news with your GF. Hope things went well opening up to others -opening up is the key to getting over this addiction.

Best wishes

Louis

Sorry

Hi guys, thanks again for all the great posts.

Louis, please don't apologise your first post is superb. I read it all crystal clear and can relate to it all. I too think it's down to not matching my life expectations. In 6th form I was really good at Accounting A-level, didn't continue it, only now I'm studying AAT from home, and the fact that im a trainee and not chartered by now, about 5-6 years behind what I could be is my flaw and why I dislike myself.

I came clean to my parents last night. I told them every last detail. They knew something was up and knew it was gambling. They were firm but fair. I've taken it on the chin, and now we can move forward.

I feel amazing for having a clear conscience for the first time in about 10 months since my isa was emptied. I just don't have the girl I love. Your right I need to concentrate on positives and not negatives, I'm not going to think no gambling no girl over and over. Im going to concentrate on dieting, weight loss, studying and passing my accounts exams as fast as possible, I hope my ex will eventually realise gambling is what it is, I havent cheated, havent been out of love with her, I just been trapped by an addiction which I can now begin to recover from. It's probably too little too late but I can just improve myself and see what time brings. I will keep checking in on here.

Thanks for all the support everyone it's much appreciated.

Andrew

It is never too late to sort this problem and you are still young enough to establish a bright future emotionally and financially. Please don't worry about staying with your parents for a while because if you are emotionally drained and exhausted from worrying about all of this they will make sure you eat properly, help you sort your finances and you will sleep better and you will eventuallly feel stronger in yourself to move out. This is what we did as parents and it did help. Just concentrate on all the recovery actions you have so rightly planned and keep ticking them off your list and keep that diary for every day you have not gambled and keep yourself busy with the fitness regime and other interests. As I said before, when you start joining fitness groups you start meeting new people as well, which is always a bonus. Apologies again if I have sounded a bit like a nagging parent but I cannot bear the thought of another son or daughter apart from my own suffering this life changing problem.

Good luck and take care of yourself and your Mum and Dad..

Hi gamparentanon, thanks a lot for taking the time to help me. You words are very helpful, I can picture my Mum saying the exact same things. I'm so glad it's all out in the open. I slept for 11 hours Saturday, 9 last night. I can only kick myself forever for not coming clean sooner, but it's done now and I have to move forward. 5 days since I last gambled, no urges in the slightest, I've got a book to read tonight that in the past put me off for 4 months straight. It re-programmes your mind. The only thing that broke my willpower last time was a stag do to Ascot for my best mates stag, I didn't feel I could miss it, but in heinsight I should've told him about my gambling problem and that I was only come to the evening do, rather than getting drunk and emptying my savings. Anyways I've been meaning to read the book again for ages and I've allocated 3-4 hours tonight, it's a great further step away from the bookies. Thanks again.

Happy to help.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the stag do. Alcohol was one of the triggers in our case and also the problem was of going out with groups of people who are egging on to do the gambling. I think you have the strength to tell people you have or have had a problem with gambling and hopefully they will back off. You are doing well.

Alcohol and gambling, two of my favourite pastimes. I used to salve my guilt by taking my foot off the pedal of one of those addictions, whilst flooring it on the other. Mix and match, no lives lost, no harm done to anyone except myself, was how I saw it. I'd recover from a heavy loss just the same as I'd get over a hangover. Give it a few days, take stock, convince myself that my new, disciplined approach (I've lost count of how many of those false dawns I've had) would see me regain any recent losses, and set me on the road to - well not riches. It's never been about the money for me - as stupid as that sounds, bear with me - it was always about me pitting my wits against the handicapper, the bookies, the backers and layers on the exchanges, or pretty much anyone who had the temerity to espouse opinions conflicting with mine. Money ceased to be money, it was just a bunch of figures on a screen which could disappear at the click of a button. I only ever appreciated the value of money (I've always treated it as something that, the more I had the more it Increased my options in life) when I'd suffered a heavy loss. What it could buy, and how comfortable my life would be without gambling, and so on. Trouble is, I'm not materialistic, and never cared for the trappings of life, as long as there was money in my accounts. On that point, I have to say that some betting sites make it easy to self exclude, and close accounts, whilst others are rather less helpful; they'll have their reasons I'm sure. I've gone on longer than intended so I'll leave it there. I'm new on here (again) and find people still as supportive as ever. Kind regards to all, Fred.

Hi Fred, thanks for sharing your story. I wish you good luck beating it for good this time !!

I can relate to the money thing. For me too it became picking a horse would be the fact I managed to pick out the right one and not the resulting figures on a screen going up and down so much.

I read a great book yesterday. Its called 'The easy way to stop gambling: take control on your life' by Allen Carr (not the comedian). It was extremely good at re-programming my mind/thoughts. I highly recommend it, I really now cannot for a second imagine placing a bet and re-entering the trap and enslavement of the gambler.

Keep up the good work lads.

Hi Andrew, your story was actually the first one I read on here. You've been through the mill mate but you have a positive outlook, which is both credit to you, and to the others who have offered advice and support on here. I'll finish now, and try to source that book you mentioned. Kind regards, Fred.