rock bottom

Hi everyone.

I've been a lurker in this forum for a while now but because I'm a fool, I didn't take to heart everyone's warnings and now I've finally hit rock bottom. So today I'm going to share my story. It's probably very similar to everyone else's stories here but I would like to share it anyway also as a means for me to vent out this overwhelming crushing feeling right now.

My downward spiral started when a cousin invited me to go to a casino about 2 years ago. I was 31 years old then, a freelance worker with small savings, so I agreed to go for the fun of it as I've never been to one. I won £900 on Blackjack in the first few hours but ended up losing the winnings. Worse, I walked out that casino feeling dazed, having lost £700 of my own money. The next day, I insisted we go again because I was chasing the £700 loss. And you could guess what happened, I ended up losing more money. Nothing is worse than walking aimlessly around casinos after losing all the money you had when you went there. It makes you feel like a bottom feeder and you see the effects of gambling not just on you, but on other people as well. In my time going to casinos, I see people there who has hit rock bottom, idling away and obviously not wanting to go home and waiting for generous gamblers to share a chip or two. I didn't take heed of these telltale signs, thinking to myself that I would never be like them.

When my cousin transferred to another country for work, I didn't want to go alone because I was shy betting on my own. I discovered online casino sites and how horrifyingly easy it was to bet at the comfort of my own home. The first week, I didn't sleep, didn't finish my projects, didn't even bother eat properly because of my addiction. My thumbs would turn numb because of pressing the d**n mouse for 10 hours straight. I had £15000 savings in my bank and that was gone in less than 7 days. Seven. Days. I'm going to let that sink in for a while. It may not be a big loss as some of the people here but to me that was worth a decade of savings from freelancing.

Gambling is ike a (horrible) dream experience, isn't it? After a few days of compulsive gambling, you wake up and you realise that you haven't brushed your teeth in 2 days or that you have missed your meals that's why your stomach hurts or that you've never really replied to any messages or calls from loved ones. It was like that for me and I cried and felt guilty and it was like someone just poured hot water on me. I self-excluded from at least 20+ online casinos and swore I'll never gamble again.

But of course, it's never the end of any gambler's story.

I relapsed for the first time last year, found online casinos that I haven't been self-excluded and with virtually no savings, I started borrowing money from friends to start gambling again. I don't have any credit cards so I consider this a small mercy. But my debt to my friends have racked up, I owe different people at least £6000 altogether. They have no idea that I've gambled their money away. This is one of the worst things gambling can do to a person, it has made me into this awfully good actress in front of other people. I cry and lie to them about made-up emergencies that required money asap. I would make promises about paying them the 'next' day, week or month but I always fail on that promise. My circle of friends grew smaller and smaller. Then I started selling my possessions just to gamble. It's pathetic to sell something I've bought for £100 for £30 and then lose that £30 in less than 10 minutes on online blackjack, and yet I did.

It's always after a relapse that I feel the worst. I would self-exclude, come here and read stories to make myself feel better that yes, I'm not alone.That feeling after I've lost my last bet is when it all comes crashing down on me of what just transpired. It's that last £0.10 that I would wage on Starburst hoping for a miracle jackpot that I know would never come. And even if it did, I would just go back to gambling it away again.

Shortly after becoming a gambling addict, I fell into depression. It always goes hand in hand, I think: gambling and depression. I can't even remember the last time I genuniley had a fun day out without remembering my debts. I used to be a different person before I became a gambling addict. Now, I keep to myself and I rarely let my parents/friends treat me to anything thinking I don't deserve a free movie ticket or a nice meal out because of what I've done. I always stay at home until my parents stopped asking me to go with them for dinner out. I've managed to alienate them because of my problem.

Today, I relapsed yet again and sold my parents' wedding rings that I stole from them. I lost the money I got from this in less than 30 minutes. This is it. This is rock bottom for me. I hope I've finally learned my lesson. I don't have any significant other to lean on, a few of my friends do know about this but they never take me seriously and my parents have no clue about this sickness. It would break their hearts if they find out. I'm hoping they never find out. For now, this forum is all I have and just by sharing my story today, I feel like maybe there's a chance to change and eventually start living again.