Ruined my own life ):

You will lose yourself when engaged with this addiction. We become a different kind of animal and key parts of character become non existent. I feel for you Amanda and I’m sorry you’ve done this to yourself, I really am. I suggest maybe calling one of the helplines or looking into counciling or some kind of support network. Stay active on the forum if you can, talk to people, read a book, go for a walk, have a nap just stop gambling for now and face up to the consequences of your actions. Look you’ve stolen but I don’t think you’re a thief, I don’t know the details but it’s going to be okay, it will be tough but if you commit to quitting and want to help yourself surely you will see improvements.

Sorry to hear how bad things have become for you, gambling is an evil and can destroy lives, but no matter how bad things seem right now they can get better. Try to forgive yourself, don't dwell on what's already done you can't change the past, but you are in charge of your own further. Get all the help you can and put all your engery in to fighting this addiction.

I am trying to find help anywhere and everywhere i can, I want to start going to meetings before anything happens, but I live in a tiny town with nothing for this addiction, (that i can find anyways), which is suprising since there are three casinos near by. It’s hard to try and forgive myself when I know how much I let my husband and kids down, and I haven’t even told my family yet because I’m still trying to process everything. ): I have been reading others stories and what helped them online the past two days, and it is nice to see I’m not alone, no matter how alone I feel. I have never done anything more shameful in my life, never EVER been in trouble with the law until now. Feels like the world is caving in on me and it’s hard to breathe..

It's an awfull place to be, I also used to consider myself a good dependable person untill this addiction took over I not only wasted every penny I had but also spent all my daughter's savings and then went on to lie to family about reasons I kept needing to borrow money, feeling desperate to win some back but only ever making things worse. I never imagined it was possible to feel so low, desperate and ashamed but it passed, things do get better. You need to be open and honest with everyone you love, tell them you need there help, let someone take control of your money, it won't only stop you from making more mistakes but it will show them your serious about stopping. They need to see action not hear words. Start planning how your going to turn this around.

Hi Amanda, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sorry to see you in such a dark place right now but I want to tell you, it can get better!

It’s sad to hear that there are no meetings near you because that really is the best place for real life support...I know your husband is hurt/angry but do you have any other friends or family left you can lean on? In any case, you should call the helpline & speak to them about counselling (if there’s nothing in your area I believe they can offer you web based/phone counselling) or go & see your GP, most practises offer CBT without as much as a sideways glance & even if these are short term options, they will get you started. It’s incredibly hard for our loved ones to make sense of something we can’t make sense of ourselves but if you’ve got nothing to lose as far as your relationship is concerned then there’s no reason not to get it all out there now. You can’t change your past & the future is easier to face when we’re not rubbing along constantly looking over our shoulders because of some secrecy or other. If you don’t already have it, get someone to download some blocking software (K9 is free but the helpline can advise you) onto all of your devices & ditch any that don’t support it...You need to get your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle broken somehow, ideally by handing over financial control to someone so that you don’t have access to money.

Addiction isolates us & thrives on sadness so will be sitting on your shoulder promising you the earth whilst you are this low...You need good solid barriers until you get a bit stronger because although you don’t want to carry on like you have been, our sick minds continue to tell us it’s the only way out of the mess it created. It’s bull, the real way out is to figure out how to kick it in the nuts & live life with all it’s reality without turning to addiction to escape.

You hate yourself right now & I get that but it helps no-one & you have children that need you so please, reach out, take the help that is out there & work out how to forgive yourself because you’re not a bad person, you just took a wrong turn.

Make things better - ODAAT

I’m actually from the U.S., I came across this site just on google trying to make sense of my situation, and I figured it’d still be okay to post here. I didn’t install any K9 protection, I only ever gamble on one site and I am unaware/don’t even think any others exsist, and I don’t care to find one. I self barred myself from that one for two years (the maximum amount) this morning when I learned you can do that. I’m going to self barr myself from the casino’s in the area, so I will no way all at to gamble, unless I get scratch offs which I won’t. I’ve taken steps, and I’m done, I just want to have some kind of support system that actually understand’s what I’m going through, that’s why I posted here. I know I should have taken these steps before, but I’m here now. I’m so worried about having to possibly leave my children for who knows how long, that’s my biggest thing right now. I can say, today and yesterday, the thought of gambling makes me neaseus, so that’s good at least. But besides that, not so good. So upset that I haven’t eaten, and crying on and off still. ):

Also, I’m really new to this so I don’t know what those acrynoms mean.

Welcome amanda

I understand your story and hopefully we can all fight this horrible illness together, the sun will shine again for us take care

Littlehobbit

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words and I hope you get it figured out too.

Hello Amanda, welcome to the site, I'm sorry to hear that you feel so low. Your story is one that has been repeated a million times here so you'll find plenty of advice and ways to help you stop gambling. What you need to ask yourself is do you really want to stop gambling? I've tried to stop in 2 ways...

1. Trying to quit myself. - I lasted 10 months before it got worse than ever.

2. Being honest about everything, seeking counselling, putting all blocks in place, ect. - Currently 500 days gamble free without a single care for gambling.

Basically talking about it isn't enough you have to want to do it, and have a drive to stop. ODAAT is right about you needing to put things in place, just because there is only one site that you are aware of doesn't mean a new one won't pop up in the future. Ask your husband to install the software on your laptop and phone and keep the passwords from you. Cancel any cards and ask for new ones (this makes sure your details aren't logged on the sites) and cut up the new ones when they arrive to avoid temptation. Be 100% honest with your husband and give him full control of your banking and finances. Seek help...I spoke to a close family member, a close friend, my wife and got telephone counselling sessions via here which helped me to identify my triggers were...boredom and financial stress, I joined the gym, and started reading amongst other things to try to beat it. Whilst this might all sound drastic the more blocks you put in place the better, the less chance you have to revert to gambling when you are feeling low.

You never know, maybe due to the fact that you haven't been in trouble with the law and the fact you have put as many blocks in place to try and stop this might look good for you. The police might identify that you have an illness/addiction, see you are hell bent on beating it and take it easy on you (I don't know how the law works in the US).

One very important thing though is that you need to look after yourself, you need to keep eating and trying to sleep. What's done is done and can't be changed, what can be changed though is how you move forward with this. Stop beating yourself up over it, I found that by accepting it helped me a great deal. I still live with the debt and the lies/deceit towards my family but I live with them and continue to move forward.

Good luck Amanda and we are all here if you ever need to talk. Don't worry about venting in anyway, my diary is full of rubbish but it helped to get it off my chest at the time.

Thank you for all the kind words, if me and my husband figure things out and can look each other in the eye again soon (currently staying with a friend) I will have him install something. It’s been almost a week since I’ve gambled, and while I still get a little tick here and there, still completely disgusted with the thought of it. Trying to eat but my stomach literally tries to reject it by making me throw up, so I’m eating small things when I can. I got down two small things yesterday and was able to keep it down even though it made me feel like complete c**P. I will take whatever steps necessary to stop this, I’ve never felt this bad in my life and I never want to feel this way again. All I want is my family to stay together but I don’t blame my husband for not wanting it. I got paid yesterday, and I only thought about how distracting gambling would be once since then. As for giving my husband control of my finances, there’s really no point now. I lost my job due to this, so I will have no income, and we already seperated our finances due to my gambling before.

Thank you for your message , I really feel for you , I'm only speaking for myself but I have done some awful things whilst gambling it makes me feel ashamed to admit it , so please don't think your the only one to do something that you would never think possible , we are in the grip of something very powerful , do you have a friend or family member besides your husband who could support you through this ? Lots of good advice from members on here , we must implement and show our families we are fighting this Pink

I am staying with a friend right now and she is very supportive and not judgemental at all. I appreciate her a lot. My anxiety is in overdrive tonight, as my husband has my kids for the night, and I am rarely ever away from them this long. I’m trying not to have a meltdown, but I could have gone to the casino if I wanted as no kids to take care of, and I’m not even slightly tempted, so that’s a plus.

Today is a week free of gambling, and I’m feeling good, despite my other problem. My husband has given me a small glimmer of hope that we might make it someday, and my heart is so happy right now. He deserves so much better, he deserves the world, and I plan on giving it to him again once I figure out the rest of my life. It’s harder being excited about the days of being GF ticking by as I know it just means it’s a day closer to hearing that the prosecuter has issued my warrent and I must go turn myself in. Still proud non the less, but it still saddens me. The worst part about it all is the unknown. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, or my family, when I finally get that phone call. I’m praying for the best but expecting the worst, which could be 5 years in prison if the internet is correct. I don’t know if I’ll survive that long away from my babies and husband.. I’ll try to be as strong as I can for them, always, but I don’t know if that’s strong enough. All I know is that I have to try and hope that’s enough.