Ruined my own life ):

Well done Amanda , I'm so glad you have a friend to support you , and you didn't gamble when you were going through the worst time of your life you didn't escape those stupid slots , live day to day show everyone you are getting help , mention this site it will go in your favour with court if you can show you are changing your behavior , make sure you get excluded from those casinos too , so if tempted you can't go in blocks in place at all times pink

I am going to call the casinos monday and exclude myself. Not even tempted to go to them, and if I do, I won’t let myself. I’ve been giving my husband my car while he has my kids so that even if I broke and wanted to go, I can’t!

Today was a decent day. My husband ended up telling my parents about everything today, or at least the majority of it, not too sure as I wasn’t there, but they know the major stuff, so that’s off my shoulders. I ended up spending the day with them afterwards and my kids and coloring eggs for Easter tomorrow, and we had a lot of fun. My sister knows something is up and keeps asking me but I’m not ready to tell her just yet. She’s my best friend and I’m scared of the judgement from her.. Eh, more so the pity from her that I know I’ll get.. I spent some time with my husband today, which makes me so darn happy. Still not too sure what’s going on with us, but he’s still wearing his ring and he’s being more supportive than I thought he’d be this time. My kids are starting to question why I’m not coming home with them when they go see daddy, so that’s really hard. But, I did not gamble today, I have money in my account, and I didn’t gamble again today, or even have the urge so I’m happy. Getting nervous as I know within the next few days I’ll be getting the dreaded phone call, but I’m trying to enjoy the days until then. Thank you all for listening and responding to my posts, it means a lot.

Hey Amanda congratulations for staying GF through this horrid time for you, if anything it shows you can do it if you really want to. I'm hoping that seeing money in your bank gives you the boost to continue staying GF. I know it's easier said than done but keep your chin up, stay positive fo your family and show them how much you want to beat this. Your parents knowing is a good thing as now you have a lot of support from family and friends which I found to be one of the main things.

You don't know what will happen with the upcoming warrant issue so please don't be scaring yourself with stories from the internet...everyones case is different. Without knowing the full details it seems pretty clear that you stole from your employer to feed your crippling gambling addiction, and I'm sure that will be taken into account. What you need to do now is to put every possible block in place before this goes any further so that you can use it to your benefit, to show that you know what you did was wrong but also that you want to change. Get those blocks in place for the online sites, exclude yourself from the local casinos but maybe go with your friend or husband incase you have a wobble, cancel any cards you used for these places so that your details are no longer registered, and seek counselling. Even if it isn't a specialist, surely anything is better than nothing.

It's also good to hear that your husband has given you a glimmer of hope, I'm pretty certain that if he loves you and you continue to stay on the GF path then your relationship will mend over time but that hinges largely on your actions. Stay positive and keep posting, good luck to you and your family and I wish you well.

🙂

I am doing all of that, thank you for the words of advice(:

Good luck with everything, keep updating your diary so we can keep up with your progress. All the best with everything.

Another day without gambling! (: I stayed at home last night, so that was amazing.. Not sure about tonight, still so confused about what is going on with me and my husband, but I know he’s doing the best he can under the cirmcumstances. Still no call from the prosecuter, but the cop said it’ll probably be Monday or Tuesday so it could be tomorrow too. Or he could take longer, who knows. Just makes me naseaus thinking about it. Not ready to get that phone call at all.. But I’m still not gambling, even when I feel like my world is crashing down around me. My free play came again on my card (get it weekly for my local casino) and I didn’t even think about it until just now, and normally I’m all over it. I don’t even care about it right now. So I feel like I’m making progress. I’m trying. Just trying to enjoy the time before I get that call because after that it’s all unknown to me. Thank you all for continously listening and giving me words of advice or just kindness. I appreciate it more than you know!

Good luck with things this week, hope you get the best outcome you can hope for . Well done on abstaining especially with what’s going on for you right now . If you don’t gamble now when it’s your most stressful time , later on should be a breeze ! Remember there is no such thing as free play to a compulsive gambler

Thank you. Not really sure what the best outcome is, as I know I have to face whatever consequences they give me, just sucks that I let myself get this low. I know everyone around me is going to be shocked because it’s out of character for me.. But that’s what this addiction does to you, just like any addiction.. Just hope I can overcome after all is said and done.

Good morning Amanda, good to hear you are remaining GF during this hard time, keep it up. As Bryan says, if you can get through it at this low time in your life then beyond that should be easy. I found that the further away I got from that last bet the clearer my head became, just remember to keep focused, it's so easy to slip back into that routine.

All addictions are the same, they make us do things we wouldn't normally do. It's done now though, any Judge/Police will look at how you've responded since the event and surely for them to see you've remained GF and continue to put blocks in place (which I hope by now you already have) will only be a good thing. You say a lot of people will be shocked by this, that will further back up the claims that it was done through addiction. As we've already said we don't know what is going to happen there so you need to focus on today, on your husband, your family and remaining GF. Deal with that when that moment comes.

I also agree with Bryan that there is no such thing as a free bet, I found that out the hard way when I put that 1st bet back on after 12 months which resulted in a horrid 12 months of freefall and doubling my already crazy debt. You need to explain to these companies that you have a gambling problem and that you want excluding from all services including e-mails from them. I'm not sure how it works in the US but you could try contacting your bank, they have a duty of care too and in the UK I know a lot of banks/credit card companies can put blocks on to prevent you from making deposits to companies that fit a certain criteria. I personally haven't done this but I've read of a couple of people that have, they mention that sometimes the card got declined when paying for things like petrol, but I suppose it proves that the Banks do monitor our spending and something can be done....again that all depends on how much you want to beat it.

Good luck 🙂

I have put blocks in place. I’m still GF and still waiting for the phone call. I self barred myself from the site I use for 2 years which was the maximum, and I will either re-up it then, or hopefully not have these thoughts anymore by then. Online gambling seems to be much less common in the US than it is for you guys, thankfully. I have only ever found the one site for gambling online, so that’s good. My bank doesn’t do anything like that (used to work there, not the place i stole from ): ), but I’m not too concerned as the only place I used the card I have banned myself from! My husband has been so amazing the past two days, and I actually think we might make it out of this. He told me that after all of this is figured out, we’re going to change our diets together and be lifting partners, which I love the idea of. (He lifts religiously, I’ve been trying to get in better shape). So that is something I’m holding onto for hope and strength. I had a slight thought of gambling yesterday, just because in my head my $25 free play is going to go to waste and it’s “free”, but I talked myself out of it very quickly and I’m fine now. Day 11 and still remaining strong!

Hello Amanda, I have read through your diary. I am so pleased that you are making such good progress. It's good you have put the barriers in place and that you can see a way through this with the support of your husband. I find exercise helps clear my mind and puts me in a positve mood. Please keep us updated.

Take care,

G

Progress wrote:

You will lose yourself when engaged with this addiction. We become a different kind of animal and key parts of character become non existent.

I can relate to this 100%

Thank you G2, I’m trying very hard to get my life back on track and the way that it used to be.. Trying to be the wife my husband deserves and the mother my kids deserve. It’s hard also because I do have anxiety and depression, so some days those way more on me than others, but I’m trying to learn how to cope better. I still haven’t heard anything from the prosecutor so I don’t even know what to think anymore. All just a waiting game now.. I never thought this is where my life would be right now, especially since me and my husband made a life for ourselves pretty young, since we got together at 16, and have been together 8 years now. I’m so thankful for him, it’s crazy. He’s always been my rock and I thank God for him every single day. Another day GF. Feeling good.

Hey Amanda, good to hear you are staying strong and those blocks are in place, that always makes things harder. Did you try to contact the online company you use, here in the UK you can self exclude for life. It didn't give me that option on most of the sites I used but once I rang them and told them I had an addiction that had put me into tens of thousands of debt they allowed me to do it, afterall they still have a duty of care. Might just stop any temptations coming in in 2 years time when that ends.

Good to hear that there are positive signs with your husband, I found having my wife by my side through it all made things easier. It'll give you support, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to turn to when it gets tough. Doing things like training together, etc also gives you something else to focus on.

If you haven't heard from the prosecutor is that a good thing? I don't know how things work in the US. Regarding your ex employer, and I don't want details but have you tried contacting them to explain of your addiction, that you are seeking help, and maybe offer some way of paying what you stole back? If everyone else would see this as out of character for you then surely they would too if they knew you.

Most important thing is that you are remaining strong and GF, congratulations on hitting double figures. Pick your next goal, mine was 25 then 50 then 100 etc. Things will get better for you it's just all very raw at the minute....good luck.