Ruined my own life ):

Dannyp,

I did not try to call the company, but I hope in two years this will all be behind me. Wishful thinking, I know, but I’m not losing my family. They mean too much to me and this all coming to surface has made me realize that this is the last straw, and I need help. I would have never admitted to having a problem before all of this, I always said I had it under control, so even me just admitting it is a huge step.

I’d say it’s not really good news nor bad news that they haven’t called yet, just that they’re taking their time with it. I already admitted to my local cop that I did it, so it’s not like they need to find proof before they can charge me. As for my ex-employer, I worked for a decent size gas station company and they people that I actually worked for, I never even met, so they wouldn’t know me from Adam. My husband actually did try to call them but they never contacted him back I don’t think. Besides, once charges are filed, even if we paid them back and they wanted to drop it, they can’t. Only the prosecuter can. Which they will not do. So, it is what it is, I’m still just waiting on the call.. ):

Yes, my husband has been amazing, I have been staying back at home for almost a week now and he’s been so supportive.. Still a touchy subject, but that’s expected. I’m just enjoying the time I have before all of this comes out.

Thank you for the awesome replies, I really appreciate them. Another day GF. My next goal is going to be 30 days, an entire month without gambling.. I haven’t done that in about 5 years, so I’ll be dang proud.

Hello Amanda, this is quite an insidious, odious addiction that you, I and many others have fallen prey to. It’s a fine step understanding that you need help and where ever you are, if you look hard enough you’ll find it. Guessing right now the hard part is the waiting game, but you need to understand that it’s not in your control so possibly just concentrate what is in your control and that’s being good to you, with which will filter down to your family. This addiction loses us from our senses and values. They say addiction is a symptom and not the cause of your misery, possibly need to look at what your driver is, a trap is to think it’s about winning money, yet I don’t believe that as winning is never enough and it’s the adrenaline buzz or escape we crave.

Going off track a little here, but I reiterate, the behaviour gambling addiction leads us to doesn’t define you, and beating yourself up is futile so albeit being hard the first step is being kind to yourself.

I wish you well

Thank you volcano.. I’m trying to remind myself that the addiction caused it, but I know when it all comes out, no one else is going to care that I had an addiction, or possibly even believe it. Which sucks because I’m from a tiny little town so I know everyone and their brother will be looking down on my family. I wouldn’t care if it was just me, but I know they’ll look down on my family too and that kills me.

Hello again Amanda, small town mentality I’m afraid, also an ailment of human nature in throwing stones, hai ho you can’t control what others think and just do what’s best for you and yours.

You’ll need to own what’s happened, yes addiction is progressive and preys on the vulnerable but we all have choices and unfortunately we made the wrong choice, we are human after all and we make mistakes. Or, as they say there are ‘ no mistakes, only lessons ‘ and regardless whatever happens you will come out stronger and wiser from this. Seek out all the support you can, let your sister in and get it out there.

I have owned what happened. I have said multiple times I have to face the consequences for my actions. I know I messed up, bad, and I know I have to deal with that. I don’t know how to tell my sister, so I still haven’t, but I will eventually.

Just remember whatever happens it’s only going to get worse by gambling . It’s a sobering thought but completely true . It’s no coincidence that good things happen when you stop . I don’t really believe in karma but I do believe that positivity attracts positivity . Keep going , take a deep breath , keep your chin up , face the music and get through this . Short term pain for long term gain and any other cliche you want to throw in there !

I agree Bryan. I have still not gambled, been 15 days now, and I’m pretty d**n proud!

Well done 15 days is fantastic, half way to your next milestone of 30 days keep it up. It'll come round before you know it, but keep focusing on what's important. You need to keep making sure you are ok, both mentally and physically...if you do that and stay positive then you won't lose your family. I understand you say this might all be behind you in 2 years, and for me it will be 2 years in November but all it takes is 1 down day or bad week to knock us off track. Personally I took that temptation away by putting the lifetime exclusion in place.

I've got everything crossed for you with regards to the prosecutor and hope it works out and agree with Volcano completely that this is an issue completely out of your hands. Focus on what you can control, I know that's easy for us to say because we don't have this hanging over our head but try your hardest.

The issue may be a touchy subject with your husband for quite a while as it's quite raw, he's going through a lot too processing all this. That will get better with time, it doesn't really get mentioned in our home anymore which is a relief as it has allowed me to move on a little more but we do discuss it from time to time...I don't think it would be right to brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened, helps me focus on whats more important.

No worries about the replies, thats what we are all here for. I apologise that some are a little long but 500 days ago I was in your shoes with the gambling and a huge debt, I know how much of a horrid place it can be.

Thank you Dannyp, I actually love your replies. I’m trying to make sure I’m okay, but my depression and anxiety has been acting up a lot more since all of this started, which is no surprise, due to the circumstances. I’m managing, but there’s other things in play in my life right now that make it harder, but I’m okay. I’ll be okay no matter what. I just keep telling myself that.

I know the legal stuff is out of my control, which I’ve been trying to remind myself, it’s just hard. Especially since I was supposed to receive a call almost a week ago, and have heard nothing yet. Nothing I can do but wait though.

I know it’s going to be a touchy subject for a long time, and that’s expected, I don’t blame him for that at all. To be honest, I’d prefer him ask me about it occasionally, like “hey, still no gambling, right?” just to make sure, but he rarely says anything about it yet, just asks me if I’ve got the phone call yet, and tells me that if they call and I go turn myself in, not to say anything until he gets me a lawyer.

Like I said earlier, I love the replies. You guys replying and talking to me every day really helps me stay GF and makes me feel better knowing that I’m not alone! I sincerely appreciate all the help you guys give me, especially the ones of you that keep coming back and talking to me continously. It means so much to me!

Good morning Amanda,

I think this is a good place to download your thoughts and fears rather than carry them and make them bigger than they actually are. Would it be great or scary to be able to look into the future ? I go for the latter, you say you’ve got a lot on your plate, well maybe this is the time to start tackling in clearing one thing at a time and lighten the load. Your not always going to hear the things you want to hear, either through here or in real life, but that’s maybe a good thing as it makes it more real. We can only hope for the best but prepare for the worst, you’ll by hook or by crook get through this and I completely disagree that as your title says ‘ that you’ve ruined your own life ‘ ! Possibly this is the spring board you needed to start living and tackling any anxiety / depression issues, we tend to use addictions as a escape, a cloak to hide under from the real issues in our lives. Keep talking, don’t isolate and start being honest with yourself and to those a round you.

Rambling a little there but again I wish you well.

I agree. It’s a great place to get my emotions out and to get help with them. Having a bad night, me and my husband got into a pretty rough argument, not about gambling, but of course that gets brought up every fight, no matter what it is regarding.. He is just very hypocritial sometimes, and I don’t find that fair so I let him know it.. Anyways, remaining strong, generally when we fight I have the urge to gamble but I don’t right now. Hit things? Maybe. But not gamble, lol. I’m trying to tackle the other stuff but it’s hard when a lot of it is out of my hands, just like the legal stuff. But, I’m trying to do what I can. Again, thank you for the words of encouragement. They mean more than y’all know!

Good morning from across the pond.

It’s completely understandable these thoughts/ emotion that both you and your husband are going through, you said that the pretty rough argument wasn’t necessary about gambling but I would guess lurking in the background, that gambling was fairly prominent. It’s extremely hard for the addict to get some angle on why we do the things we do, hence it’s 10 fold for the partner to get ones head around it, your hurting / he’s hurting. You need support/ he needs support.

Just a thought, but there’s a diary section on this forum, support is more forth coming, also a place to connect and offer support, it’s good medicine. Also the friends and family section can be quite sobering in what the other half goes through.

We are all one, both the addict and the partners.

Wishing you well Amanda

It may have been, but the fight was about something completely different, that as weird as it may sound, deserved a fight to happen about? I don’t know if that makes sense, lol. But it had nothing to do with gambling, it was something he did wrong, but he always has to bring it up. Which I get, just doesn’t make it suck any less. Where is the diary section? I think I would like to use that one.

Good morning Amanda, I was directed to the diary section right at the start too, it helped a lot just to vent in general about anything not just gambling.

Again it's good to hear that you haven't turned to gambling, keep that up. Me and my wife argued a lot once my secrets came out and the Gambling was always brought up. Like Volcano says, I look back now and can't believe or understand what I did so to her it was even more unbelieveable, I just try to put myself in her shoes and imagine how I would have reacted. I found it best to just accept it and use it to fuel my desire to stop and prove to her that I wanted to change. You'll find the diary section in the forum part of the site.

Keep working hard, just remember this is all very raw for him to, it will take him a while to get over it but he will.

20 days GF. Still no word from the prosecutor. My husband, my kids, and I are going on a little get away trip for the night and going to stay in a hotel so hopefully we have lots of fun! Didn’t feel so good yesterday and my daughter threw up today so hopefully that’s it and we don’t end up sick the whole time. /: I’m gonna start a recovery diary probably later today. Thank you for the advice!