GamCare

Scared, sad, shameful

 
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 Trying2move4ward
(@trying2move4ward)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 
Hi all
I’m new to this forum, although I have read some postings. I’m only just beginning to be strong enough to be able to type out a post.
I’ve read peoples messages and all of them having helped in one way or another. They give me hope.
My story is awful and I’m wracked with guilt, despair, embarrassment, shame. The list goes on
But here goes... Since early this year, I’ve managed to gamble all my savings (which was to help with our retirement in a few years),
I’ve maxed out my personal credits cards to £14k and worse still, then borrowed from family to try to manage my situation. I didn’t consciously borrow to gamble, it was to get out of my overdraft as I had no money I could use to even meet my food bills and pay my direct debits but of course in reality it was because of gambling. I hate myself for that.
However at the time I had managed to almost pretend to myself it would all sort itself out.  
I was also having major issues with prescribed medication that I had taken for several years but the dosage had been increasing on a regular intervals. I was noticing that I was getting really strange behavioural urges and many physical issues and admitted these to my GP and also mentioned the gambling. He then told me that this particular medication can cause impulse control problems such as gambling and to start reducing them immediately and to stop them  completely after a few weeks. (He said it was harmful to just stop outright)
It was only whilst coming off them, I started to truly understand what I had done. I was terrified to admit the gambling to my husband but the guilt was horrendous. Once the fog of the medication wore off, I couldn’t live with it. One evening I blurted it out. The outfall was dreadful.
I’ve never seen my partner so angry. Angry doesn’t describe it. I was called every name under the sun, told we were over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such anger and hatred. I knew it would be bad but it was even worse than I expected. I’m don't blame him. He didn’t say anything I haven’t said to myself. 
He understandably needed to talk to someone and told a close family member, who then informed the rest of his family and my brother.
I have never felt worse in my entire life. In fact I was on verge of suicidal. I guess the true realisation of the impact was too much to handle.
It was only because of my brother and my grown up children that I held on.
A few weeks on and I’m still an emotional mess. I’m having counselling with GamCare who have been fantastic. My partner is still very angry at times, still worried about financial impact but has said he will support me. But it all feels so fragile. I live in fear he will change his mind and not stay together.
The only positive thing is that the urge to gamble has gone since the medication finally was out of my system.
My partners family  seem to think my addiction was purely down to me being weak and a terrible person.  I don’t think I will ever be really accepted by them again.
My adult children have been amazing as they would still always support me as they say any type of addiction needs support. I’m lucky I have them.
But the sadness, shame and hurt I’ve caused by what I’ve done frequently feels too much to cope with.
I just wonder if I will get through it and find peace again.

 

 
Posted : 11th June 2020 3:44 pm
 Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)
Posts: 1013
 

Hi what an awful experience for you. Your sadness oozes out from the page. Your post made me very curious about medication that I'm on. There is also a link with impulsive behaviour. Addiction is a dreadful thing I never felt so out of control last few years. Now I've managed 7 days without gambling and I'm going to give it everything I have to beat this. I'm hoping that you find some peace there are lots of people here who will support you

 
Posted : 11th June 2020 8:48 pm
 Leeiom33
(@leeiom33)
Posts: 21
 

Hi

am so sorry you have been through all this. It’s amazing what medication can do. 
You 100% did the right thing in telling your partner and even your partner telling your brother and your kids isn’t such a bad thing. Having a good support network around you is such a positive thing. 
As for your partner. This will be such a big shock to him. He might be disappointed in himself that he didn’t see it himself to help you sooner. But the reality is that non gamblers don’t really understand they just see it as why couldn’t you just stop ect.. he will just focus on the money that’s lost. And that’s fine for now but the most important thing is your health and well-being.

the thing is  if your committed to stopping and you put the blocks in place. In time that money will mount up again, and you will have be proud when you hit milestones.

as for his family. Tbh I wouldn’t worry. The end of the day you have been suffering. If they can’t accept that and judging you the chance to make it right in time then they must have never had hard times in their life. 

you been through it badly you need a Strong support group. And people who will stand with you. Through the lows and the highs 

you can a lot of people in this forum that is like you going thought this horrible addiction or like your partner on the other side. We are here to help 

all the best

lee 

 
Posted : 11th June 2020 10:22 pm
 Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)
Posts: 414
 

Your like the rest of us

We're gamblers who choose to do it to start with but then things get out of control,  and boy don't we learn how to lie and hide things,  then we get to the point where it's got to come out not because we want it to but because we have no other options. In the end you will be okay but it takes time and work 

 
Posted : 12th June 2020 11:36 am
 Trying2move4ward
(@trying2move4ward)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 
Posted by: Charlieboy

Hi what an awful experience for you. Your sadness oozes out from the page. Your post made me very curious about medication that I'm on. There is also a link with impulsive behaviour. Addiction is a dreadful thing I never felt so out of control last few years. Now I've managed 7 days without gambling and I'm going to give it everything I have to beat this. I'm hoping that you find some peace there are lots of people here who will support you

Thank you for your kind words and support. It took me ages to pluck up the courage to write a post.

I think I’m still at a stage when each day brings more realisation of the damage I’ve caused by this gambling addiction.  But also relieved that’s it’s in the open.  It’s been weeks since I last went on an online site.  My head is so much much clearer now I’m not taking the meds. But clarity also brings pain of knowing what I’ve done.  
Well done with your battle. You seem determined to win it.

 

 
Posted : 12th June 2020 5:11 pm
 Trying2move4ward
(@trying2move4ward)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 
Posted by: Leeiom33

Hi

am so sorry you have been through all this. It’s amazing what medication can do. 
You 100% did the right thing in telling your partner and even your partner telling your brother and your kids isn’t such a bad thing. Having a good support network around you is such a positive thing. 
As for your partner. This will be such a big shock to him. He might be disappointed in himself that he didn’t see it himself to help you sooner. But the reality is that non gamblers don’t really understand they just see it as why couldn’t you just stop ect.. he will just focus on the money that’s lost. And that’s fine for now but the most important thing is your health and well-being.

the thing is  if your committed to stopping and you put the blocks in place. In time that money will mount up again, and you will have be proud when you hit milestones.

as for his family. Tbh I wouldn’t worry. The end of the day you have been suffering. If they can’t accept that and judging you the chance to make it right in time then they must have never had hard times in their life. 

you been through it badly you need a Strong support group. And people who will stand with you. Through the lows and the highs 

you can a lot of people in this forum that is like you going thought this horrible addiction or like your partner on the other side. We are here to help 

all the best

lee 

Thank you so much for your support. It means so much. Long road to feeling strong again! 

 
Posted : 12th June 2020 5:42 pm
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