some positive thoughts needed

Hi Carla. I know you're now left with this massive trust issue, but your boyfriend probably felt helpless and too ashamed to come clean. That's not to excuse anything he's done but as a fellow addict, I can understand things from his point of veiw.

It's good that he's now come clean with all of his debts. The need to big win big and quickly is common amongst 99% of the people here. Everyone's definition of "big" will be different, but it's not even about winning the money. It's about the buzz and excitement of putting money on the line. You don't always need to understand everything your boyfriend says about his addiction, but he'll really appreciate it if you just listen and sympathise with him.

Hopefully, both of you can stay strong and be there for each other. Maybe keeping a diary on here will help. If you don't fancy it, maybe you can suggest it to him. It helped me a lot at in the beginning.

Best of luck.

Thanks for your reply Martin.

I do want to sympathize and be patient, but on the other hand I have to deal with several other issues.

I'm 32 and have no kids and we had just made the decision of having a baby. This might now not ever happen to me. He was married before and has 2 kids and I just feel so upset thinking that I might miss out. I know he is sick and didn't do this on purpose but it still has the same result for me. Difficult is an understatement.

I love him and I hope we can get through this to maybe still have a family of our own one day.

Do you have kids? I'm interested in how it affects them. His kids are still young (under10), but eventually they will learn about this. They come over once a week and it will be difficult to hide it completely as he will have to hit the loan repayments hard now.

Thanks again for your comment.

Hi Carla.as a compulsive gambler I understand how things progressed over time. I never thought off long term gambling. All I needed to do was win big just once and that would solve all my debt problems.of course the big win never comes and if it does its never enough. There's something to be proud of your partner for. He has come clean.it takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself and indeed someone very close to you that you are a gambler,and that you are unable to control your life. I have let my wife and family down so many times. I've gone back gambling time after time.from my own personal experience I've lied through my teeth to my children and after being let down so many times they have even asked my wife why I'm still here.this is very hard for me to take. The reason I say these things is to try and prepare you for what may be a very long road.I hope not. Its just been that way for me. My wife thinks shes weak by letting me back each time I slip up.she sometimes says that I must think shes a pushover.. I actually think shes the strongest person I know. I don't know if I could put up with it if the shoe was on the other foot.I know I've rambled a bit but I'm afraid thats the way my head works but I hope others something positive you can take from this. Stay strong.

Thanks gar1000! I really appreciate your honesty.

I sometimes think he only came clean because I found paperwork for his loan....

But what I am proud of is that he has his first counselling session today and I probably need to concentrate on the positive points rather than get hung up on the bad ones...

I wish you all the strength in the world and give your wife a big hug and tell her that you love her. I'm sure she needs this.

Carla1982 wrote:

Thanks for your reply Martin.

I do want to sympathize and be patient, but on the other hand I have to deal with several other issues.

I'm 32 and have no kids and we had just made the decision of having a baby. This might now not ever happen to me. He was married before and has 2 kids and I just feel so upset thinking that I might miss out. I know he is sick and didn't do this on purpose but it still has the same result for me. Difficult is an understatement.

I love him and I hope we can get through this to maybe still have a family of our own one day.

Do you have kids? I'm interested in how it affects them. His kids are still young (under10), but eventually they will learn about this. They come over once a week and it will be difficult to hide it completely as he will have to hit the loan repayments hard now.

Thanks again for your comment.

No, I don't have any children or any real commitments in terms of family, Carla. So, I can't offer up too much advice in that regard.

Do you keep your finances seperate from your boyfriend? If not, I would advise you to do so. He's very likely to relapse and gamble again. I've never heard of an addict who has stopped completely and never went back to it. Just check out the diaries here for evidence of that.

Again, speaking as an addict, I would advise you look after your own finances.

Hi Martin,

Our finances are completely separate and the house we are living in is in my name only. I guess that is a good and a bad thing at the same time. I said to him that I want to check his account at least once a month. That made me feel horrible, but I feel I need prove that he isn't lying to me. Is that reasonable? I told him if he does it again I am gone. Reading your response that he is highly likely to relapse makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I know I have to stay realistic. At the same time I don't want him to think I'm a push over...

Thanks for your reply. I assume it's good to hear both sides and also from someone that isn't my partner 🙂

Hi Carla,

Another compulsive gambler here...We are sneaky, we lie & generally the truth only outs when we are backed into a corner! My mother is a CG too & I have cried, yelled & bailed her out repeatedly over the years all to no avail. My wonderful partner on the other hand got upset when I gambled, doesn't understand & yet continued to love me & support me! It took him monitoring my accounts & holding my bank card (giving me 'lunch money') amongst other things to enable me to start on my recovery journey but on it I am. You need to trust your instincts & I would agree that keeping an eye on him financially is important.

I can't help you understand, I don't understand myself why I kept going back (& I doubt anyone could explain it or we wouldn't all be on here looking for support) but I can say this is a fantastic website & I don't think anyone on here will mind me saying 'we' are all rooting for you.

Good luck - Both of you!

Hey Carla, I'm interested on how you reacted when your boyfriend told you of his problems, I'm in a situation similar to his and I havnt yet told my girlfriend, I'm heading away next year with her to her sisters wedding in Italy which is going to cost a fortune I feel as if I keep gambling this is going to put the holiday in doubt! Do u think I should come clean to her and if so what way is it best to break it too her?
Look forward to your reply thanks
Marty

Hi Marty.

Do you just want to come clean because of the holiday? The problem I think is much deeper than not being able to go on holiday.

My advice would be to come clean as early as possible before more damage and lies are making their way to the surface.

And yes, there is a risk that you won't go on holiday, but there is also a risk that you won't have a relationship if you don't tell her, because it will come out eventually.

I had suspicions previously, but my partner was very manipulative and I thought I was paranoid in the end.Then I had prove and it was too obvious and he had to come clean - I was physically sick. My whole world fell apart.

I wish he would have told me earlier as we would have been able to get help earlier.

The most important thing is that you need to want to get better and are willing to deal with your problems.

It's not your partners responsibility, it's yours. There is no perfect moment of telling her, but I strongly advise you to do it as soon as you can if you want to keep her and you want a future together.

maybe on a weekend would be best as there is no need to be fit for work immediately. I am still signed off sick due to the impact on my life...

I wish you best of luck. Please keep me posted on your decision.

Carla

Hi ODAAT,

Thanks for your comment.much appreciated. I wish you also best of luck.sounds like you have a great partner by your side. Don't take that for granted. I take my hat of to you two for making it work and I hope you are not ever looking back 🙂

Carla

Hi Carla

i don't think I can add much more than my peers have commented on.

However I think I can put things into a little more perspective for you. You have to think of gambling as a spectrum. On one side you have gamblers who like a little buzz and fun, and will put relatively small sums of money with a certain period of time. On the other side of the spectrum is the extreme side. Here you will find compulsive gamblers who will throw everything including the kitchen sink to win 'big' and are never satisfied if they do win substantial sums of money. In the middle of the spectrum is a big grey area. Many people cross over from the fun side into the grey area because of a wide variety of reasons. Such as inexperienced new gamblers, people who are desperate for money, or people chasing their losses. The vast majority of people will cross back over from grey side back into the fun side. They do this because they take many factors into consideration over time. Such as they realise they can't win big, they have financial obligations (mortgages, children, bills). Three things will happens to these people. They will give up gambling, stay on the fun side or keep going back into the grey area.

I'm going to say I think you are being a bit naive. Please don't take this as a personnel attack. Its understandable because as you said you don't really understand the gambling world. I think you have come to the conclusion that your boyfriend is at the extreme side of the spectrum. If his managed to hide his gambling habit from you for years than I can guarantee his not on the extreme side of the spectrum.

We are all gamblers at the end of the day. Getting a mortgage for example is a gamble. Will it go up or down in value? Will you have a secure long term job to pay for it? Have another look at your boyfriends bank statements. Does he pay his bills and debts with money left over at the end of the month? If yes, than he is a gambler who takes things into consideration. Add the other fact that you've basically given him a kick up the a*s about it. He'll add that factor into future consideration.

I'm sure you can have a great future with your boyfriend without worrying that he will go into the extreme side of gambling. Even if he does relapse, he will take factors into consideration that will prevent him from going extreme.

All the best 🙂

Matt

Thanks for your comment Matt.

My partner continued to pay his bills, but with loans, credit cards and overdraft. Even his kids pocket money.with debts of £10-15k. I find that extreme. It's for sure not normal? I know that there are people here who are in it deeper, but he didn't own anything to start with.

I hope we can work through this, but I'm only human and there is only so much I can take. Only time will tell.

I questioned it a couple of times, but he is very manipulative so I always let it go again as we have no shared bills as such

Thanks for explaining the whole spectrum thing. I wish you all the best.

C.

Hi Carla,

Thanks for your kind words...I will try never to take him for granted even when he drives me round the bend & as a wise man on this site says, looking forwards never back!

I don't have kids so can't comment on the pocket money but everything else normal? No! But it is exactly what a compulsive gambler does to cover tracks!

Be safe, be strong & I wish you all the best!

P.s: I think my fat sausage finger may have just flagged one of your posts as abusive...Clearly it isn't & hopefully the Admin will just ignore it but thought I should get an apology in anyway just in case that isn't what happens...Soz!

Thank. Carla much appreciated! I will keep u posted all the best
Marty