Hi everyone,
my name is Alexis (not real one....sorry) I am 40. I am Italian, so forgive my bad English and my emotional writing.
I discovered that my husband is a compulsive gambler one month after he was arrested.... He served 8 months in jail for frauding the company he worked for and the amount he took is about 150.000 euros, all went of slot machines. He had a very good job, stressful but a good job in Switzerland. We lived in Italy, just by the border so we crossed the border everyday to go to work, as it was very convenient for Italians. I thought I had a decent life and married an honest man, respectful. His appearance is grateful, everyone loves him, his boss trusted him even if he was a nasty and unfair boss. Last year we decided to leave Italy to move to London for a new adventure (I lived in London before and loved it). As risky as this ideas already are we tried our best to make it nice and smooth. Or so I thought. I came to London and stayed here for 1 month looking for a flat to rent and I founded. He was supposed to join me 1 month later with all our stuff and our cat. Unfortunately 2 days before arriving here he was arrested in Lugano Switzerland. When I knew I was in shock, terrified on what his ex company came up with just to get away with some unpaid invoices, just trying to blame it on my husband. The company owner was used to this things so i was sure my pure and hinest husband did not deserve to be in Hisolation jail time meanhwile an investigation was conducted. As his wife I was suspected too....No one told me the reason of his arreste for 1 full month. I went back to Italy but did not have a place to stay or a job or a car or too much money. I stayed at my parents in law, also devastated and terrified themselves. I could not eat or sleep, I could not talk to him or see him for 1 month. Meanwhile I turned all of his stuff upside down to find answers and I only discovered he had 4 active loans and few other old ones already closed. From his bank account (out of trust and respect we had separated bank accounts) I could find out the horrible truth of his gambling issue. Talking to his sad parents I discovered many lies he told me during the 8 years we have known each other. His Swiss lawyer (thankfully was paid by the government) was very nasty to me and never really explained what was going on. I paid 2 other lawyers just to explain me the procedures. On top of the loans and using all his good salary he also stole 150.000 euros from his company in 2 and a half years!! All went on slot machines found in bars (in Italy all bars have many). I was devastated in all possible ways. Not having the life I thought I was living, not having a husband, a job, a home, money, I could not talk to friends as they would immediatly judge and not support at all. My family was away for the summer so I could hide the truth for 3 months, not knowing how long this all nightmare was going to dragged. It was 8 months of jail, including our 4th anniversary and Christmas time. I had to tell something to my family but never told about the gambling, my mum would have had an hearthattack and hated him for life.
I had to leave my parents house as they were not able to handle the situation and started to attack me and then feeling sorry. It w=has been hell on earth. All alone and desparate I took a small flat and looked for a job, but I found it only 7 months after. I did not have money to go out and relax or distruct myself, so I was always in and just buy food counting well the cash before going to the cashier.
During all this time I could have left and forget about him, but the tought never crossed my mind. I stayed and waited and fought to gain truth. I could not believe such a great man could have been falling into gambling... so deep. I suffered and he suffered. I went to all visits in jail without waisting none of the 7 hours a month I was entitled to. I looked for help in all directions against my parents in law judgment of hiding. I started to go to GA and Gamanon where I found help and support and amazing people that are struggling everyday with husbands and wives and sons. I went on counseling myself and I stayed strong for me and him. I also took some antidepressant for 2 months, just a little help. I never stopped loving him but keeping clear in my heart and head that he had to ask for help. Many people told me to leave him, but I always listened to myself. All I was going through had to make sense and the only way it could make sense was if he accepted help. Luckely he did, he kept promising me to be better. I wrote 97 letters while he was in jail. After he was released and took some time to adjust he went on counseling and on GA meetings. He is showing me that all my waiting was worth it. HE NEVER WENT GAMBLING AGAIN, 16 MONTH WITHOUT GAMBLING. Unfortunately the issues are not all gone. The reasons he fell into gambling are still there and now we are trying to work around them and face them. It is very hard for him, but I can see he is trying. He did not get all the support he needed back in Italy and I am hoping he will have it here. We managed to be back in London, I arrived last week and he will be here next week. We had a lawyer to look after his loans until he can setlled them somehow. We are very happy to this new beginning, but the problems are very much alive and they are 2 (for him): 1 is the deep sense of guilt for all he did to me and to his family (and to himself). For this I guess he needs counseling. The 2nd issue is in the reasons he got into gambling, lack of love. I know it sound silly, but a very famous psicologist that work against drug, alcohol, gambling and other issues, diagnosed it. The lack of quality time with his mum when he was little, is the key of the search for something to fill that gap together with a genetic fragility (this is the best I can explain it....sorry).
I believe he is on the right track now, but he is just at the beginning and I am here to help based on the 12 steps program.
I believe I need help too as it is not possible to get out of that nightmare alone... I still cry when I talk about it (as I did by writing my story) meaning I am not over yet.
I am really trying hard. I consider myself to be a strong woman and not stupid, but I have a lot more to learn and I cannot wait. My life will never be the same and the trust in my marriage is out of balance, but I have enough selfestime to try. Now I am focusing on finding a job and start fresh in London. I am very excited! Finally I am smiling out big again!!
I hope my story will help any of you ( here I go again, crying...) and hope my story will have a happy development. I'll keep you posted. I also hope I did not write too much or did something wrong in this forum. I was so happy to have founded it (I could not find the Gamanon near my area) and hope you could support me with ideas that I have not tought of yet or may be even counseling. I am open to British suggestion.
Keeping the faith in me!!! Thanks everyone
Alexis
Wow thats quite a story, sorry I cant reply for long as Im in work,
YOur definately doing all the right things with the counselling etc, GA, compulsive gambling affects everyone, not just the gambler.
It can be very tough to come to terms with the loss of money, but he needs to accept that the money is gone and maybe make him realise whats it done to him and everyone around .
One thing that keeps me coming on here, is that so many folks have beat this illness , so it can be done, dont give up, just for today I'll not gamble, day at a time.
Best of luck
Hello Alexis - First of all, well done for joining this site and also for writing so well about your very traumatic experiences. I do hope that coming to London will truly be a new start for you and your husband and that you can build a better and happier life for yourselves here.
As you say, your husband's problems seem to be far deeper than just the desire to get rich quickly and I am sure the right sort of counselling will be beneficial. I don't know if his English is as good as yours, but perhaps you could encourage him to come on to this site as well, or at least read the stories here. It might also do him some good to read the stories on the 'Friends & Family' section and to understand the devastation and destruction that gambling causes to the innocent members of a family. This is not to make him feel even worse, but if he can see for himself it might make him even more determined not to put you through that hell again.
As you will see from the many personal accounts of recovery here, it is possible to stop gambling - it's hard for many of us, and very often there are relapses, but if he really wants to give up then he can do it, with your support and love.
I wish you both the very best for the future,
and remember that there will always be support and advice here for you.
Joanna
Hi Joanna, Thanks for your encouragment. I am very positive and so does he. His English is bad, so I guess we will wait a little before he can have counseling. The positive side he wants to get help and wants to make it. I realized only later, much later that he is suffering so much and it is very very hard for them. For people not affected by this dependancy it is just a game, like a toy that they can just stop touching and it is done. But it is not at all, it is a disease. I found very much respect for the people that battle against every day. Guys get all the help you can, alone it is very hard and we, family, are here with the strainght of an ocean just to help you!!!!
I am grateful that I finally understood the real suffering....( I was devastated with all that just hit me at once and culd not see straight, I needed time...) now, thanks to the Gamanon in Italy, I know what I have to do and I feel confident inside.
Family members.....I know how hard it is.... hang in there!
Thanks Joanna.... question: how do I get counseling? I was talking to a friend about my hubby and I started crying again.... I need help. Thanks Alexis
Hi Gav123,
sorry I am replying to you only now, bad internet connection I am afraid.
You hang in there dear!! I hope reading my story may have rung a bell on what this desease can make you do without realising it. You are right, 1 day at the time. In Gamanon we say 24 hr at the time. It works!!!
If you feel the need to gamble maybe try to think about my husband jail time. A room as big as 4 phone booth lined up, alone. 6.45 breakfast, 11;30am lunch in the room, 3 hr of air and dinner at 6.15pm, light off at 8.45pm. 15 min of phone call a day at a precise hour. Not fun at all.
I'll think of you Gav, so think of us... Let me know how it is going.... My hubby is coming in 4 days... I'll let you know how it will go.
Meanwhile I am looking for a job, not easy, but I will get somewhere.
Happy 24 hour Gav! Ciao
Dear Alexsis, I got up early, as I am having such problems sleeping and today am waiting for a psychiatric care team to come and assess me. I am an educated professional woman of 46 and yet feel like a teenager. I am a compulsive gambler and after a three year break have lost al my money from online Roulette. Your story of love, care and support is amazing and I am sure you can find all the support you need from this site and GA Have you got some counselling for yourself now in Gamcare ? I am working through my issues with a counsellor and just wondered ify our husabnmd has come across a book called "complex childhood PTSD from surviving to thriving". I am mAKING SO MANY LINKS !!! I can honestly see how the feelings of neglect/lack of love have created the seeds fo gambling. When I gamble the chaos/hell creates the very same HELL I felt as a child. Alexis, I really have foundh ope in your post as I struggle to forgive myself. I really hope you can now start a new life together. Well done AGAINfor the support you have shown your husband. I will never be able to confide in my mother as like yourself, I fear it would give her a heart attack. I also feel if your mother has issues about money/worry/fear around it it sort of creates the stress which makes us gamblers feel almost compelled to put our hand into the molton lava of gambling self harm...just to check we can FEEL. Sorry, I'm waffling here Alexisis but all I can say is that by making thel inks bewteen childhood trauma goes a long way to helping us understand WHY OH WHY we sabbotage and just can't access happiness. As an "educated professional" from a "good background and family" I realise that once you strip away the social veneer it would be better to grow up with emotional wealth from the heart. However, hgealing is possible. Your husband CAN access full recovery and self parent himself. I'm trying so hard here...no, that's not true - I'm trying but YOU my dear have such strength. Worry not about anti-depressants. For whatever reason your story has just given me hope. I understand the stigma/whole status and expectation "thing" about those of us who fall from grace. I am sending you both the very best of hope and respect. Alexis. Well done. Having woken pitifully early unsure of how I can even speak to the care team I realise if YOU CAN BE STRONG (and you are not the gambler) then I can. Much much hope - GeminiJane
Hi Alexis - As GeminiJane has said, GamCare can give you lots of advice regarding counselling.
When you first log on to this site you will see a two boxes at the top of the page - pink and blue. One is for 'talking' online and the other gives details of how to have a telephone conversation. There are also links on the black band at the top of this page.
I hope you are beginning to feel a little more hopeful about the future and are gaining some comfort and strength from this site.
Best wishes,
Joanna
Thanks Joanna for the advise about telephone conversations and support. I will certainly use it. Thanks so much for caring and really listening (or readig..)
Big hugh Alexis
My dear GeminiJane,
I am sorry I reply so late. I have been busy with job interviews and getting settled in this our new life in London.
I am so glad I was of any support for you!!!!! I will be checking this forum more frequerntly now that I got you!!! Lets help each other!!
Thanks for your words on me. You talk about my strainght....I don't know how the heck it came to me, sometimes I don't feel it much, but it is there, so I look for ti inside me and find it all the time!! I guess I was born this way, aggressive and stubborn....not very nice qualities but they came in hand now!
I am trying to attent yoga classes to release my stress and calm my mind, not sure if it works, but it has worked for so many people. I know for sure that I am not well and neither is you or my hubby, so I want to convince him to come with me and try yoga, meditation and also stretching and breathing (obviously on top of counseling and other more focused help for you and my husband, as I know for you guys it is sooo hard). helping body and mind together is the key! It seems all a bunch of silly attempts but they are not, have faith, something will work, you just need to find your way to use the "bad" energy and converted into good one. I hope my theories are not too weird for you.
What I mean is.... the will is the only cure, you have it, my husband has it, you just have troubles in using it for the good. There has to be a way to get that strainght out. May be yoga, maybe volonteering work, maybe sport (together with the help of experts like psicologists or counselling), maybe change country like we did.
I am sorry you don't have anyone to share your pain with and be understood, but I think hiding it from your mum, maybe better. Blaming on a bad childhood seems to be the answer on many of our grownup behaviours. But we are adult now so we can face it and handle it, or so it should be. I realized few years ago that I am enough for myself....meaning that I don't have to make anyone proud, but myself, I don't need desperately somebody's love but I can love myself, untill the right person come along and I can have a healthy relationship. I don't need someone to judge what I do as I judge myself. When I realized it, my world starts in me, it was a heck of day!!!! Life started to be so much easier....not having to prove anything to others, but only to myself. You have enough love for yourself to make you happy!!! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we are meant to be alone in life, just that we need to love ourselves before we can love a companion. I starting to believe that if we forgive ourselves, accept who we are and love ourselves by trying to be better person everyday, then we can really be free and fear nothing, because we have found our balance. It is never a set balance, we fall every now and then, but we manage to be back on balance..... Does this make any sense? It did to me.
There is so much good in all of us, but this crazy world confuses us and grabs only the bad part of us, but the good side is there, deeply hidden in all of us. If we could only have access to it....
It sounds so easy but I know it is not. Once we reach it though, we wonder how the heck was so hard to get there. Human minds are very strange. Humans are very strange creatures, but we can choose.... this is a very powerful thought. WE CAN CHOOSE. If you think of it it is a luxury that not everyone on the world has..... We can choose..... So choose, one day at the time, choose.... one little step at the time, choose.... breath deeply and choose. YOU HAVE THE STRAINGHT. Some days are better than others, few days are really bad, so what? Forgive yurself and carry one choosing. We cannot always choose right, but it is iportant that we think about the choice. Soon, your choices will be more clear untill chosing will be easier and easier.
I feel so close to you now and I can wait to have news for you!! I count on you Bella Jane!!! and I am not judging you for chosing worng sometimes, as long as you get back on track and try again to choose better the next day, 24 hours at the time. It is not that easy but it is not even that hard.
I am sorry i am writing too much as usual. I just like to say so much and end up messing it up. Sorry if I did mess up in my reply to you.
Just for you to know, my husband has been hired as cook in a hotel, something easy. They saw he was trying his best and offered him a job both as waiter and as cook. He is happy. As first job is ok, given his English is not good yet. Soon he will get better and look for a better job. He will also attend those free courses for foreign people given by libraries and today he will registered for a class in a college, English class. He feels like a teenager again, but in a good way. Not harm in feeling like a school boy...ahahah.
I was hired to be an assistant manager in a fampus chain of English restaurant and will start my training next week. I am happy. I am to the point where I can think that I am ok and don't need couseling anymore, but I know better that just some new things are not enough to regain the balance. Stress and sorrow ( and gambling) do not go away that easely, so I will go in counseling. I will just approach it a bit lighter, good for me.
One last crazy idea....: coming to London was an idea to fight this addiction for my husband and get me a bit of a new start, but my secnd choice was to go volonteer in some poor country and contribute to help them in any way. Seeing the real desperate people, really opens everyone's eye on what real tragedies are and helps you focus and forget about your addiction. I guess it is a way to find a balance between our comfortable world and real poverty. Quiet an extreme measure, but I am a ferm believer that one grave situation, there has to be great solution. One day I will go to those poor countries and be abke to offer my help as the only reason for leaving is helping others for me.
Got to run now.... write me soon and tell me how it is going. Choose one day at the time!!
You are giving me so much, thanks!!!
With great faith!!!!! Alexis
This is for Gav123, how are you?
Sorry I didn't log in in a while. Give me news my friends!! You making me worry about you.
Drop me a few lines if you can!
Bye and happy 24 hours.
Alexis
This is for Gav123, how are you?
Sorry I didn't log in in a while. Give me news my friends!! You making me worry about you.
Drop me a few lines if you can!
Bye and happy 24 hours.
Alexis
This is for Gav123, how are you?
Sorry I didn't log in in a while. Give me news my friends!! You making me worry about you.
Drop me a few lines if you can!
Bye and happy 24 hours.
Alexis
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