Tired of myself and this curse

Hi,

Don’t give up. I was in a similar position with my debts and feelings of shame and loneliness. I know it sounds easy but the first thing I did to get on the right road was to sign up to Gamstop and sense. 
C

Hi am the same. Gambling my monthly pay in the vain hope of triggering a feature that pays something but then even if it does pay I just want more and more and then its all gone.

Like the previous poster says. If you sign up to gamstop it will stop your online gambling in its tracks. It is quite effective.

Phone national debtline re your debts. They will advise. I ended up defaulting on everything, interest stopped and now i just pay them what i can afford. It also stops me getting even more credit. I guess if you can afford to pay the minimums then carry on doing so... but you do have to do something to physically stop yourself gambling.

Clearly the much harder part is coming clean to loved ones, being open and honest etc. You have to tell them in the context of what you are prepared to do to stop it happening again.

Read and write on the forum. There is much wisdom, support and advice to be found. Your not alone.

Hi ReleaseMe

Please take S.A.'s advice, no point me repeating it. Number one priority has to get yourself out of the vicious circle of gambling. 

You feel like S**t and really don't like yourself very much. Been there, could not stand being in the same room as the disgusting, worthless person I felt I had become which was awkward as I obviously could not do much about it. Good news is you can get rid of this feeling but it takes time - the further you move away from gambling and the longer you refrain from it, the better you will feel. Continue gambling and you will continue to feel like as bad as you currently do or worse - imagine how you will feel when your debts have doubled again?

 Stopping gambling is not an easy thing to do on your own so keep posting but don't forget you really are not on your own, so many of us on here are going through similar journeys. It may well be a bumpy road, it seems few of us manage to just give up without the odd slip.

Good luck

Muststop123

Posted by: ReleaseMe

Im just going to selfishly write down what a total waste of space I am...Today after weeks of gambling I borrowed £xxx from a payday loan company (to be repaid over 24 months totalling £xxx!) and gambled the lot in a matter of hours.. this on top of at least 3 other loans and 4 credit cards that have all been used for the same.

I have reached such a dark and hateful space that I’m past the point of trying to understand why I am such a moran and why someone can literally self destruct and destroy everything including the hopes of his children. Never would I admit this affliction again. Words seem futile and I don’t trust me so why would someone else?

It’s gone 1.45 am and I’m scared of closing my eyes or switching the radio off because I will be alone with the one person that I hate the most in this world.

All the lies, cheating and debts are I fear an impossible enemy to defeat. How can you fight when all hope is gone. Shame, guilt and the utter self loathing are only masked when I am in front of a stupid machine watching stupid imbecilic fish and numbers spin around and  all the time hoping for 3 orange ships to appear... written down it’s completely ridiculous and hugely embarrassing and ultimately humiliating. What do I tell my children? What do I tell my Mother? I’m bloody 50 years old!! 

I have two options..either I am locked up or......

I wish that I could blame something or someone but the reality is that I am weak, I am a fool and I deserve all that is due..

 

Hello ReleaseMe

I would like to echo the great advice above, it sounds like you are at a very low point in terms of feeling bad about yourself and your gambling. However, although it seems difficult, please know that many many people have been in the same position and had similar feelings and are now free of gambling and their lives have improved immeasurably. 

I am concerned about how low you may be feeling, please do contact the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 we're open 24 hours a day, so when you said you were scared to be alone with your thoughts in the middle of the night, please do call us and talk things through with an adviser. 

If you find you are feeling actively suicidal, do call 999 or go to A and E or call the Samaritans. I also think it may be worth speaking to your GP about how you're feeling generally.

You are clearly very upset with yourself in your post, and I would like to say that whilst you are responsible for your actions, compulsive gambling can make people do things that are out of character for them and that they do feel really bad about, and that may be happening for you. This doesn't mean you are a bad person, it means that it may be good to start to deal with the compulsions and get the help and support you deserve.

Please do contact the HelpLine (if you haven't already) to discuss all the support and tools available to help, from gamban to block your access to online sites, to free one to one treatment support.

Wishing you all the very best

Forum admin

Hope your ok I’ve just joined and feel the same as you  I’ve lost so much all my savings and now owe money left right and centre scared of credit card bill coming in case partner gets post first yet still I go on . I’ve put limits on but I wait till the 24 hours is up just to do it again I hate myself  ... I try and be positive but lasts all of a hour ... I need to see bonus just to feel calm anyway I really hope you can beat this curse x

Thank you

Thank you