What to do for the best..

Hello

           Thank you for posting to the forum. It sounds like you are experiencing a challenging time now. Well done for reaching out for help with this as it is not an easy thing to do. It looks like you have tried your best to help your son with his gambling problem. It is not uncommon to experience feelings of hopeless, especially when considering all what you have been going through. It is never easy making the tough decisions or having to say no to loved ones when they are in pain. However, it sounds like you are starting to practice boundaries which in time may become helpful. Your own self care comes first and foremost. Please be sure to access any help and support you feel is needed such as friends, family or GP if your health is being affected.   

It may help you if you were to call our Helpline on 0808 8020133 or use our live chat on our website. We are here 24/7 to help and support you with understanding problems around gambling and to explore any options available to you, to help with this. Please keep posting messages to the forum and reading other experiences. I hope you find the forum a great benefit and helpful place to inspire you.

Wishing you all the best

Darren

First of all you must separate your 34 year old son from what is currently a 34 year old man who is a gambling addict

The addict is not your son , it's just a persona of him which he is actively choosing to live his life through 

Many many people on this forum live their lives through a gambling persona that their friends and families largely have no idea exists

It is very difficult for a non gambler to be able to comprehend the thought process of spending £1,000 in a couple of hours online slot machines or whatever else 

about 7-8 years ago my own gambling persona was completely out of control i was spending £2-300 a day gambling , i was in £12,000 worth of debt ,

my parents didn't understand any of it , they didn't really care and didn't have any money to bail me out anyway although i was living in their spare room support wise i was effectively on my own 

Looking back this was probably the best thing because it forced me to realise i had to take action , i went insolvent and began a 5 year process of paying the debt back the first 2 years were arduous , can remember struggling to pay for a cup of coffee and hiding in train toilets to get to work 

Eventually things got better and i cleared the last of the debt last year whilst building about 20K's worth of investments 

I guess the point of my story is you can't softly softly nurse a gambling addiction out of someone , they need to see the error of their ways and they need to see it without any safety net or support blanket

It's a reality that many never want to face up to and why they continue to gamble compulsively as its always the easier option 

Hi... Good reply there from Max. I echo much of what he has said. The bottom line is that you have to be realistic about the way forward. From what you say it doesn't sound like he wants to stop gambling and to be frank its not your job to get him to try and stop, other than to point out how his gambling is affecting you. But even then, although your son may feel bad about how his actions are affecting you, it probably won't make any difference to whether he decides to try and stop or not. Its his life and he has to feel the consequences of his actions.

If you do want to do something, stress the fact that he needs to pay his rent as soon as he gets paid, like the second it enters his bank account. I must admit as a compulsive gambler myself I know that as soon as my wages land I need to pay rent and am there literally at one minute past midnight getting ready to pay what needs to be paid. If your son then goes on to gamble the rest then atleast he's still got roof over his head. Its surprising how little money you actually need if its just food and that. He needs to keep his independence and you need to keep your debit card away from him and keep saying no as best you can.

Find your own talking support. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

All the best