Where to start

Hi mate. I'm similar to your son. Slightly older but no one in my family has ever gambled. And here I am. 10k in debt and no way to pay it back.

All I can say is show your son this site. Show him what people his own age are going through. Yes he's lost 7k. But it was his 7k. As in physically his. Not loans cards etc.

Tell him to enjoy his youth partying travelling going on holidays with the lads etc. Something I will never now be able to do. Not playing stupid games online relying on chance.

Hope this is the last time he ever does play.

Good luck. Matt

Hi DD

What you do is offer him your love and support as you have been doing

However at the same time you can learn more about the addiction and how powerful it is.

You now have to walk that line of being involved in his life to the extent that your son must not have access to any other inheritence type amounts of money. Ideally he needs to be helped and monitored regarding money but I dont know the full situation there. Unfortunately in the short medium and even long term it means you cant hand him a hundred quid for example without seeing exactly where its going. My parents stand in the bank with me while bills are transferred. I want it that way and it must be that way as trust is built up again

That simply is about protecting your money for the good of all. Cash in the hands of a recovering gambler can lead to relapses.

Oh and your son needs to self exclude from everywhere locally and online which must be double checked and monitored

Your son should really enter a recovery counselling process and talk through the addiction. There is no shame in admitting it even though he will feel some shame and embarrassment for having gambled it away.

It would help if you both rang gamcare seperately or both together in the room

Even Einstein warned of the dangers of roulette but for a gambler the addiction works in complex ways often linked to stress and wanting to escape. Its often not all about the money and the addiction grips in ways which can not be rationalised. It may have been the grip of desperate chasing behaviour as he thought he could win...... then win it back. Gambling is pure temptation because problem gamblers ignore the reality and it leads to compulsive behaviour. I blame the gambling dens and the amount of advertising just as much

Now I have to say that you have to tactfully take into account that it may not be it and the compulsion resides until a healthy mind has been established again.

In many ways you have the more difficult job but you must try and help him. Unfortunately learning the lesson is something that takes recovery and counselling. Thoughts of chasing behaviour can linger.

Im sure it can be sorted but both you and your son must never be complacent

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thanks Matt and Joydivider some really useful advice there.

My big worry is that I don't feel I can trust him 100%. He shuts himself away in his room for hours and we can't exactly demand to know what he is doing. We have home safe settings on our internet but he must have got around that somehow. I was going to phone the helpline anyway and try to get him to do the same so that's the next step.

Hi dd

I feel your pain just from reading your post.

First of all i absolutely agree with other advice posted. Let your son read this site and some of the hurrendous stories of what can happen. Some very smart intelligent people have had their lives ruined through gambling, your son still has so much time to turn it around. He could one day have a well paid job, car, mortgage, savings and a family. Whats 7 grand ay. I also got alot of strength and resillience from you tube (sounds stupid) but there are countless videos and documentaries on there of problem gamblers.

Second of all regular chats and opening up is vital- let him tell you exactly how he's feeling every day, read through this site aswell and get tips for yourself- look out for the warning signs in his mood and behaviour etc (i cant lie to my wife even if i wanted to anymore- she sees straight through it and always recognises the danger signs).

3rd of all, never ever ever in any circumstances blame yourself, i read your post asking "where did i go wrong" you didnt- your son is doing amazing at school, he obviously feels comfortable opening up to you, thats why he sent you a letter. (alot of dads would love that amount of trust from their kids). I am a huge believer in "the trigger" in the brain that some people have and some dont, it is a compulsicve decision trigger that can help us in alot of ways going through life but obviously not with such addictions as gambling. Your son may have this or he may have just had a common sense dump that has now run its course. Either way there are ways both can be solved mainly through communication and education.

In terms of getting any of his money back- i can absolutely tell you the betting companies are and absolute waste of time- you will never get anywhere with them, they are in no way as commited to problem gambling as they make out, and will undoubtedly pray on anyone they believe they can make a few extra quid from. Ive lost count of the amount of sites ive closed with the reason of "problem gambling" only to be bombarded with emails the next day urging me to reopen the account. Im afraid you may have to take a hit on that money.

Anyway keep your chin up- all is certainly not lost and i have utter confidence in you and your son to come through this.

Welcome dd

Some lessons in life come free
Some lessons come at a cost
Unfortunately your son has had the latter.

The industry doesn't really care who's money they take as long as there within the guidelines and unfortunately your son being 18 he does. Read around the site there's people who have lost their whole pensions or life savings in one night.

Your sons not the first person who thought he had a fool proof system with roulette. The industry isn't stupid they build software to counteract every style of play. The whole system is a set up. They let new player's win for a while. Like little bread crumbs then will take you for all your worth.
How it's legal is anyone's guess
To many sticky government fingers in the pie.

I'd be strained to call him an addict after a few days.
That's the problem these days to many social media star's living the life and selling it like there gambaling God's. When in fact there playing with 100 million hedge funds.

On the bright side if he never gambles again 7 grand well spent

Personally I would go over all the bank statements and see how long it's been going on.

All the best for now
Deano

It's fine having it on your router but when his phone is on 4g (not connected to wifi) the blockers won't work. Have him download k9 and you put the password in. He can hide the App in a folder somewhere if he doesn't want it on show incase someone sees it.

Just do what you can to talk and show him the side he now knows to be most realistic. It wouldn't surprise me if it was the martingale routine which he first learnt and went from there. Basically doubling your bets on red and black until it wins. Always seems to work on the free play apps until you play for real then reality hits.

He's probably sitting in his room due to the shame, if he's spent his only 7k I doubt he's betting again at the minute. Especially after just telling yourself, this isn't to say in a week or month or two he won't again. If he asks to borrow some money to go to a restaurant with his mates. Lend him say £50 but ask for a receipt. It may sound daft but if he gets into the habit of proving where his money is going it will help long term. Again he can do this discreetly and no one would wonder why he's getting a receipt. Honestly get him to read this, I'm 24 and I wish someone had told me when j was 18 what would happen. Seriously.

Nothing to add to the great advice above but I will echo the common sentiment that, whilst £7k is a lot of money, if he never gambles again then, at such a young age, it's money well spent. Hopefully it was a moment of madness or an ill-conceived 'strategy' rather than an addiction. Either way, work with him to get the sites blocked, exclusions in place etc. and be tough but let him know you're there when he wants to talk.

All the best.

Hi dd

Lots of gamblers believe they've devised some sort of system. They haven't because it isn't possible but believing it can all be part of the addiction. You haven't done anything wrong either. The addiciton can affect anyone from any walk of life and some like your son spiral quickly into large losses while some make regular losses over many years maybe racking up uncontrollable debt in the process.

The fact he's told you is a good sign but the truth is you can't trust him around money and in fact it would be quite unwise to do so. What you can do is make sure he can't access your own bank accounts, cash or valuables. It would be a very good idea for you to monitor his bank accounts. If he has an allowance he should show you receipts for what he's spending. He also needs to self exclude permanently from every account he has with you sitting with him to make sure he does and help if needed and he needs to be aware that he can't gamble in any format ever again. Once the line into addiction is crossed (and he has crossed it) there's no going back. It's completely possible to manage it successfully and live an entirely normal life but he can't get complacent.

Read up on the addiction so you can see what you're both up against and don't forget to take care of you.