Where's a time machine when you need one!

If i had a time machine to go back it would be amazing! my first priority would be to make sure i never had that first thrill of gambling, of course then i would tell myself to make some other better life choices as friends, This is a Diary / backstory of how it begun for me i guess.

Hi i'm Paul and i'm a compulsive gambler and impulsive gambler i would say without hesitation, i'm Nearly 31 and i have been plagued with this disease .... this utter illness of an addiction since longer than i can remember if i wanted to take a rough guess i would say maybe 13 or 14 but i'm not quite sure as my memories not so good at times, it got more serious as the years progressed as it was always my escape from life although there was alot more going on with myself that i wasn't aware of such as i only found out a couple of years ago i'm Autistic and a few years before that i had a mental breakdown and was suffering from major depression and still am to present date, also i gained social anxiety which doesn't help matters.

I have never stolen to feed my addiction however GA meeting said i have "stolen time from others who needed to support me"

I'm currently someone who has been in a few gamblers anonymous meetings in the past and i was clean for 4 years but i'm back here again after moving country and losing the support network i used to have i slipped into my old ways thinking i was strong enough last year when i was struggling to get money for christmas i decided to do some cashback offers meaning i joined a site and deposited £20 and would get £30 cashback just for wagering that £20, i would gain £10 for doing nothing and i had full control as i hadn't gambled for 4 years i thought i had the strength to even do this, but before i knew it was joining more sites than i could even keep memory of i literally had a spreadsheet of them, by my cashback idea i would make £300 extra for christmas for doing nothing other than meeting wagering requirements and getting my money back, unfortunly that was the plan however before i knew it was joining sites depositing £20 for £10 cashback which made no sense.

I would love to say most of those cashback plans went accordingly and i had just quit but nope here i am nearly 10 months on, 70% of the sites refused to pay the cashback anyway and some still haven't even paid out so it was a stupid idea to begin with it seems, not less than it sparked the old addiction lurking in the shadows.

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When i first was introduced to gambling it was very light hearted, i was at my babysitters and her husband was always bringing me to the bookies while he would watch the greyhounds and horses, i would just sit bored, he would take me to the bar afterwards and get me a lemonade and then introduced me to the poker machine on which he had let me a couple games on which i never understood very well.

On holiday with my parents we went to a place on the southcoast of ireland which was once a vibrant seaside town, packed with culture and things to do, there was the usual seaside amusements, push penny machines, and then old style 1 arm bandits which cost 2p per payout bracket although as you knew the value of money you never spent more than 6pence a spin.

there was a certain thrill about winning and hearing those coins spitting out of the machine, occasionally some of the floor staff would tell you off for being under 16 and put you back on the push penny machines but this was rare as there's no real ID you can have when your that age to prove you are or not so i quite often got away with playing some of the big boy machines.

When it came that time again to go on holiday i knew where i wanted to go, off to the south coast again off to the same slots arcade, i had even become friends with the owner who was a friendly laid back chap who would sometimes come along and play a couple of the machines himself to pass some time and he would throw you the rest of his coins and if a machine malfunctioned he would give you a handful of coins from the hopper he was really a nice chap, even if you ran out of money he'd just give you coins for free wouldn't get that nowdays.

As time went on more casinos in the area were popping up and as i got older it meant i had more access to them due to becoming older and meeting age restrictions, i found more leisure although some may think i should give up an extra addiction aswell i am a smoker, but at those times you could smoke at the machines and they would give you free tea and coffee, so you could relax and spend some cash and have some thrills and meet some new people, my parents couldn't see any major harm that it could be doing me as it was only once during the summer time every year.

I think by the following year my folks noticed that i would bring my bike with me and it would spend the whole time outside the amusements during the day and at this stage the currency had switched over so it was no longer 2p a spin it was 5c so of course my spending went up, the amusements that i first got started with knew me that well that if the machine malfunctioned they would hand me the keys quite literally to fix it or change the hopper and i never stole or took anything which i wasn't entiltled to i think that's why there was the trust, i still felt like i had some control i went on holiday with a couple hundred of euro and won a couple hundred euro on my first day on which i ran back to the apartment with it and told my folks to keep it for me so i could buy a digital camera, and went back out with what i originally had rationed money wise for that day.

Come the following year i went again, the seaside town seemed to have been over-run by casinos the old vibe that there used to be had gone, all the tradional pubs and clubs closed down, there was always alot more undeserables around trying to steal from your person and the machine you were playing on, the family friendly amusements i was trusted in had been bought out by a big end bookies who changed all the friendly machines to machines which only took bank notes an not coins, the others pretty much changed all their stakes to higher end, when i went to atm machines the lowest denomination was 50 euro although i didn't want to spend that much i went into the casino and asked for change to which they refused saying i needed to be a player or ask for change for a machine and all their machines took 1 euro coin, so i gave in and put it into a machine min stake 1 euro per spin and i won within minutes 300 or so euro and cashed out and left.

then when i think my game switched up a bit where i started to play games which were no longer cheaper as they wernt available, i was going to college and everytime i got overly stressed out i used to escape to a local snooker hall which had pub style slot machines and i would always take a punt on them although often got carried away, i had a few thousand in savings and slowly was just eating away at them, sometimes i would even max out my withdrawal limit by card the staff got to know me and didn't help matters as they would always say just one more etc, ocasionally they would hear a machine make a certain noise and go over and play it themselves and instantly win, while i was in there i met someone i used to go to school with fell in with his friends who lived near by but then i seemed to be their cash machine sometimes while asking for handouts to play the machines, they were all housed in a hostel type building for people who had been thrown out of their parents homes for various reasons, but i always gave people a second chance i was a very sociable person.

i was working 2 jobs with no overheads, i got randomly sent home from one job for gross misconduct which they wouldn't explain to me why they just told me to get my basics and escorted me out of the
building, i was being stone walled with trying to find out what happened or what i had reportely done but they just refused to tell me anything, i went to a solicitor for legal aid but the workplace refused to respond to them and told me i was just digging a bigger hole for myself i was so down and stressed that even unions couldnt help me as i wasn't in them before the issue, i had no where to go so i went to the slot machines to clear my mind, spent my withdrawl limit in a day and then when to the bank to get more money.

The missconduct report was trashed as the cctv showed that what i was accused of never took place, they kept calling me in to see the cctv which they had nothing on it they actually wanted me to find myself on the cctv every day and explain my actions of what i was doing everyday, which my solicitor said not to do as you are basically trying to find them some fraction of evidence for something they haven't told you what you've done, in the end they couldn't find what they were reported about me as it was lies and since they were getting away with so much more they used some things i said inappropiatly outside of work and a video clip where i jokingly kicked a yoga ball and took out a roof tile.

The group of friends i had beat me senseless when they were drunk over an accusation i stole one of their friends phones but it turned up on otherside of room from where they where hitting me however as the damage was done they literally tried to murder me and stole everything i had one me inc cash cards phone etc, the police took it seriously however as there was false imprisonment it was passed to CID who didn't take it seriously.

After that i started to run up debt with my gambling, nothing major to begin with i got another job everything was going fine although never any complaints on my paid lunch break i went to down to a bingo hall behind work and on a tenner i won a jackpot on a machine of a couple hundred which i was chuffed about although first the bingo hall started to accuse me of taking someone elses machine who had gone out earlier but left credits on machine possibly, however this was proven that it wasn't the case, i instantly took the money paid it back in to my bank, feeling estatic i paid off my debt i told my manager who i was great friends with ... without thinking there would be any problem with this, however i got a written misconduct warning - as the lunch is a paid lunch it's not designed for people to make money or do anything other than have their lunch, then afterwards there was accusations of money going missing even though the till was covered by 3 different cctv cameras, that would have been fine however i had broken a friends phone on his birthday by accident while under the infulence of alcohol and him and his friend kept calling into my work asking for the cash for the phone which i didn't have yet.

I was given reduced shifts non stop to the point that i was getting 2 hours during the busy period of a saturday, they told me they had no more hours available but were advertising for new staff, i got the message and left my job and they instantly demanded their uniform back before legal proceedings as it's their property, to which i offered to strip down in the middle of the shop to my boxers saying their demand was very unresonable since i had only given my notice that day.

Gambling escalted somewhat more than that, since by this stage i had a debit card and the online gambling scene was taking off, i used to spend days and nights in my bedroom gambling, i had no social life any more due to my past friendships going sour i had stopped trusting anyone and giving anyone a chance, i kinda stopped even finding ways of making new friends, to the point i had to see a shrink who diagnosed that i had social anxiety, however there was no real support for this other than trying to get me into group support which made no sense, i found i had a social life on gambling websites with chat however i rarely seemed to win, i kept running up more and more debt but the lonliness got the better of me to the point i had my first breakdown where i had to be put on antidepressants.

I joined a site which has been running a long time and on a night i had a old friend stay over they said they were playing their account but were playing mine, as i didn't want to press police charges i provided a hand written note to share what had happened and declare it upon their request, i then genuinely was playing a couple weeks later provided proof that it was me playing this time i had spent £200 and won a jackpot of £1k on my celebration i went to withdraw and it told me there had been an issue, live chat support popped up and said that my account had just been flagged for responsible gaming and it wouldn't be responsible of them to allow me to have my winnings and likewise they couldn't give me back my deposits as that wouldn't be responsible either and banned me from their site, even after 10 years they wont respond to an email or phone call from me and yup their still running today hard to believe that's even allowed their facebook account said any banned accounts have their winnings null and voided so there wouldn't be anything there plus they only hold your info for X amount of time but your info is banned for life ...

I started a new job which was well paid i was on a salary of 12k a year i was doing customer support and was really enjoying it although outside of work i was just the outcast who spent most of his time on gambling websites, and virtual social life, i used to constantly sign forms at work as i always opted into overtime which paid either time and a half or double time to the point some days id start at 7am and finish at 11pm the tax man gobbled so much of my money it was unreal however i was lurking of 3,500 gambling debt every fortnight i got paid the bank would slap the overdraft charges and unauthorised overdraft charges and interest etc on it, i eventually was doing that much i had a full mental breakdown and got put on quite strong tablets, afterwards i couldn't do the overtime i used to as i had mentally worn myself out.

After nearly 2 years i got made redundant along with thousands of others due to no fault of mine or the company i worked for i had a package which was supposed to clear my overdraft but within no time like any other gambler i had run the overdraft again with no hope of paying it off, i felt i was losing hope i just lived in minus money i couldn't remember the last time my bank was in credit, by now i had met someone online who i started dating, i was in Gamblers Anonymous first meeting i attended seemed to have a werid feeling with a community hall with us gathered in a circle, we had to provide donations to the renting of the hall and the literature, there was talks of having a support person as a sponser however the only person i found of my age seemed to rather not associate with me, i had found myself finding new werid ways to gamble but quickly found i was finding ways to make excuses for what i was doing so nipped it in the bud.

I changed meeting after that and found a nice meeting in someones home, it was very welcoming and friendly however there was a vibe of an older generation who hadn't gambled in over 30 years in some cases but still attended meetings weekly, or someone who was really into physical fitness, so of course i was a proper outcast when i said i done my gambling online, they offered to "break" my computer to take the method away from me which was a bit extreme, however i did feel quite comfortable after a couple of meetings although not religious they seemed to take somewhat of a higher power stance with a GA prayer, i had reduced my overdraft down to about 1k and then i slipped up and won for the first time a good sum of over 3k i instantly paid off all my debt, bought a laptop and done some home improvements in my girlfriends flat where it couldn&
#39;t be afforded before, i continued with gamblers anonymous seeking to get clean,

I moved out of Northern Ireland to England to live with my girlfriend, for just over 4 years not once was i tempted not once did i have a sneaky scratchcard or anything gambling related, i got referred to Autism testing as my behaviours and it seems alot of my times where i `escaped` and had breakdowns could have been avoided if i had of known and got the support when i was young, i would have even had disability rights in the jobs where i got treated poorly as it was all mostly about my interaction with others.

i noticed how much more mainstream acceptable it was becoming where even supermarkets and newspapers and tv stations had their own gambling sites, there's tv adverts for gambling companies at 10am they sponsor your food they sponsor your tv shows and bus stops have it, but i was standing strong even laughing at their hidden terms and pointing them out, i had so many people on facebook showing their winnings and never telling their loses, people who didn't used to watch football or horses now constantly doing sports betting i noticed it was getting bad however it didn't bother me, giving me a false sense of security that i was able to do some cashback offers ... earn some money no harm no foul.

well this year every month i told me i was done trying to find a new hobby to get me away from it, i relised i couldn't afford a gym membership i wanted as the 24 hour option wasn't available monthly, only annually and i could never seem to save enough money to get it, i instead opted to get a 5 rod plot on an allotment, but as i live in a flat i had none of the normal tools anyone would have to even get started causing me to run in to further debt, then i get carpal tunnel syndrome in my hand causing me to not able to the allotment as much meaning i end up gambling, i run up my overdraft my girlfriend bails me out and i start to take poorly losing my hearing on my left side, then i end up just doing it again with the overdraft, organised to go away on a short break with my girlfriend and i get struck down with gastroenteritis so it has to be cancelled, i had a flutter with £20 and won 6k, paid off debt instantly, paid off the debt i owned my folks, took my girlfriend out for a meal, bought the lots of stuff for my allotment i needed i felt i was king of the world.

Within a couple of days my hearing got worse to the point i went completely deaf in both ears, karma? ended up with 2 ear infections at same time.

I told myself 2nd chance i'm done! seek local support knowing without any support i had no hope but nothing in local area, only narcoticts anonymous and alcoholics anonymous, wrote to local mp about support but they just forwarded it to the GA website, wrote to the paper who were too busy reporting on fixed odd terminals max bet amount that they didn't help other than posting the links to gambling support sites like every other site does when you exclude or close account, i bought myself a book of allen carrs easy way to stop gambling but instantly relised that this is a man who clearly is professional but hasn't been a person in my shoes as he constantly talks about how his quit smoking book helped many and how all addictions are the same, as a gambler i know there's no such thing as luck or signs but while going to shop i found scratchcard on the carpark which someone else had bought and scratched, bad habbit of just checking if people read the numbers right, they had won a fiver and hadn't relised it, i cashed it in and felt proud i bought actual stuff with it.

Unfortunly that feeling was short lived when my mental whisper said it's a sign and that night i lost a grand of the money i had joining the sister site of the site i won the money from the first time, then i joined another site and lost £2,500 in one night not 1 withdrawal or win of even half of my money they surgested that they would possibly give some compensation/refund as something wasn't right but requested medical information and proof of income which i don't have and basically just strung me along, telling myself that i still could get a new start although having -£200 in the bank i just had to weight it out caused me to have a further slip when i started getting text messages and letters from a gambling company offering me extra bonuses was -£500 by then, not too late at that stage to stop, i was seeking support more than ever found a chatroom where it seemed to be companies advertising gambling sites other than support which it was supposed to be.

Then the final kicker happened, i used one site where my deposit limit was supposed to be £20 but somehow my deposit limit was removed and i spent 1k in 1 night and they excluded me in the morning as it was my responsibility check and control the limits and as i had obviously cleared that limit it was my own fault and is no fault of theirs not that i was claiming it was i did say how the bonus rounds didn't payout the right amount and the win lines wern't paying the right amount for the wagering however when i asked how my limits got cleared they told me i was banned from their network of sites and ceased communication with me permantly to help me ? just passing me links to gamblersanon.....

So here i am i don't have a penny to my name, still deaf in one ear until it recovers itself the only decent thing i done when i had money was get a nhs prepaid certificate for the year that cost £104, as my last 3 weeks perscriptions have been £43 with my ears causing me problems, i have a roof over my head a family who cares and a girlfriend who will support me however she can do, i have choosen this time around to have no bailouts of financial aid as i feel it doesn't teach me anything, i will have to deal with the bank charges and stress alone to teach myself the lesson, also i will need to get a lend of my partner to get the ferry and bus to attend first meeting, i really just wish it would all stop but for now between then and now i've turned to the internet for support as there's no guarentee i will be able to do a meeting every week with the costs involved not to mention if i feel comfortable or not as there's no other meeting i can attend if i don't .... 1 day a week for 1 hour not always a suitable time slot either for the other events in life you cant change the time of, there's no support at 2-3am ....