26 days. Dont think i can tell my partner

I’m married 13 years and been lying to my husband for years. I came clean today and he seems more understanding then I thought but still. I have more stress when gambling cause I keep going and not wanting to spot. It’s better to start a clean slate 

Hi Helpme34,

I ain't a marriage guidance counsellor just an old addict in recovery who gambled compulsively for almost 5 decades. One thing I know for sure is gambling addiction & secrets and lies go hand in hand. If you tell him he may end it or he'll watch you like a hawk.

Here's the thing I'm happy, content & watched like a hawk thank god. Some see it as control & an invasion of privacy, others see it as common sense being watched by someone who knows you'll never get rich through gambling. Gambling is a drug & addicts need their fix. Only tough love & accountability works alongside solid blocks such as exclusion through Gamstop. 

Some feel handing over financial control to someone who isn't an addict is humiliating. personally I find it liberating. If our car's on it's last legs & we need something newer my wife values my opinion, knows I have better mechanical knowledge than her, let's me do a test drive & asks what I think. If we agree it's right for us she'll leave a deposit till any faults/concerns are rectified but NEVER IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS  would she leave it up to me to pay the balance. That's life I'm an addict & she wouldn't give £5 to the gambling dens.

I don't know if he'll end it if you tell him, but I do know secrets always come back & bite us in the end. Maybe one day jointly you'll apply for a mortgage/bank/loan together & be refused. If he has a good credit rating he's bound to wonder why you've been refused & dig deeper into information that's easily accessed through credit reference agencies. 

It took me ages to learn that honesty is the best policy & the best foundation in the world for a happy stable relationship. Lies breed lies, deceit breeds more deceit. The worst thing in the world in a relationship is to drip feed a loyal partner with the truth that's gonna be exposed anyway.

Best Wishes

AL

Thanks Slowlearner. That's such good and sensible advice. I guess I just feel so ashamed and I don't want him to know I've been such a huge idiot. I know you're right. Guess just another thing I've been in denial about. Thank you 

You are best off telling them. No one understands it unless they are it. I have told my partner to do not let me gamble and to stop me leaving the house if i try to. Its extreme but i have done gamstop for the online. Once you have told them they either support u and help or bail on you. Either way its a problem and you cant hide it longterm so best being honest.  If they love you they will stand by yourside

Hi Helpme34

I just want to say it may well feel like the end of the world for you right now but it isn't. It took a lot of bottle to post on here, come clean & admit you have a problem. Furthermore to sign up to 5 year self exclusion shows real intent & speaks volumes about you. Action are stronger than words.

Time & time again I told my wife I'd stopped lies & more lies, deceit & more deceit. What a mess I'd created, ducking, diving, hiding statements & being on edge should the postman call when my Mrs was off work. I got to the point where there was no hiding, things all came crashing down & I had no choice but to come clean.

20k in credit cards alone ( all gambling transactions ) as well as every penny I had all on gambling. People ask how did she take it, so here's the answer. I didn't disappoint her, I didn't let her down I BROKE HER. I broke her to the extent she told me although she married me she really didn't know who I was, didn't know anything about me & what I was capable of.

I'm blessed , blessed that she didn't bail out or desert me BUT today I'm married to a very different woman. I'm married to someone who doesn't do bail outs, takes nothing on trust, has access to my emails, bank accounts & everything else in my life. WATCHED LIKE A HAWK, I don't get I want but I get everything I need. Life is good now, better than being allowed to feed my addiction unhindered for sure.

I'd love to be able to say confidently come clean & tell your partner that despite your addiction, you're seeking help & support & he'll stand by you. That would only bring a false hope should he decide that this life isn't for him. All I know is I regret not coming clean years earlier rather than letting someone think I was Mr Wonderful, THE ONE etc, walk down the aisle with me.

Best Wishes

AL

Also the problem with gambling is that we are never truely healed and always need to be focused on the issue.  In a marriage its best to be honest as i think its the deceipt that causes the hurt not just the financial losses. Most times we dont fess up until somethings really gone bad by this time its too late and the damage is done. Its harder to get back on track when u crash someones world. If they fully aware of the situation they can help put things in place to protect finances such as savings both sig needed etc.