That's ONE day away from a full year.
How did it happen? Matched betting. Well, more specifically, ME, matched betting. Someone with a 4 year gambling addiction, with 1 year clean.
I thought it would be a safe way to create a 2nd income. I knew I was taking a risk and I discussed it with my partner who is aware of my addiction. And I've blown it again.
Trouble I am having now is that I am so angry at myself that I can't just do the matched betting and leave the slots the hell alone. I even promised myself that if I was going to 'gamble', which matched betting is apparently not (at least it is not regarded as gambling in the matched betting community), I would play blackjack, but I just bust myself out of that most of the time, just like slots. Because I CAN'T WALK AWAY.
Matched betting for me simply triggered all the previous emotions and magical thinking from when I was spinning my life away a year ago. I thought I could make it safe by simply staying away from the slots, but soon I was doing 'risk-free casino offers', and before long I was spinning my matched betting profits, then my bank balance. "Hello darkness my old friend..."
Basically, there is no safe way for me to even be NEAR a casino. It all ends the same. So frustrating.
And I am sitting here with urges the size of elephants marching all over my brain. I know I am defeated. Even though my bank is not quite empty yet, and there is a small balance in my exchange. I just know I am beat. The low mood, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, lack of appetite, low motivation and lack of interest in anything other than gambling/betting, has already set in weeks ago. And I have only been doing this for ONE MONTH.
I know what I need to do. I know I need to self-exclude. I have opened a ridiculous amount of bookie and casino accounts that I never had before in order to get the free bets and offers.
But a part of me has not given up on the matched betting. And yet another part of me knows I am too sick to ever make any money from it.
Ther reason this is a thread and not the start of a new diary is twofold: 1. I am hoping there are others on here who can relate, who also tried the matched betting and found they just fell into the gambling trap all over again like I did. And 2. I just don't feel able to walk away yet.
Hello Lightsout,
It sounds like you are struggling with ambivalence about letting go of gambling, at least though you are talking about it here and perhaps using the forum will help you get back into a recovery mindset.
If there comes a moment when you do feel ready to self-exclude again, you might choose to use https://www.gamstop.co.uk/contact-us
If you would like some extra support locally, you can call us on 0808 8020 133 for more details about free therapy sessions. Some people find that a weekly appointment can help them feel more focused, resolved and motivated to find a way back onto a path of recovery.
Take care,
Forum admin.
Thanks FA. Yes, I am ambivalent at the moment. Probably because of the losses. Thank you for your support anyway!
I haven't actually gambled today. I think I really sickened myself yesterday. I done a lot of reading of others' stories of relapse and recovery. This helped me to stop before in the early days. I think my mindset is actually changing. I am reluctant to quit the matched betting though. I think I could stay safe as long as I stay away from casino bonuses, as I barely thought twice about gambling when only sports betting (find it boring as hell and more of a lesson in mathematics than anything else). It's the slots that always hook me, so I need to stay away from free spins and deposit bonuses. Never ever thought I would get sucked into blackjack, but I thought I'd found a 'strategy' that worked. Of course, that was nonsense. You never beat the bookie!!!
"Matched betting for me simply triggered all the previous emotions and magical thinking from when I was spinning my life away a year ago."
"I am reluctant to quit the matched betting though. I think I could stay safe as long as I stay away from casino bonuses"
Your words and your choice but we all know what happens when we leave that door open. Myself very much included in that, you wouldn't be here again if it worked out as you seem to again see it now.
No one can tell you what to do but you need to ask yourself what you really want to do from here. Do you want to stop? Because it sounds like the early stages of wanting to stop losing again.
What are you looking for from matched betting? My guess is its the same hole that gambling filled. I didn't enjoy sports betting for a long time before i quit. That didn't stop me doing it 5-7 days a week whenever i had access to funds. This addiction doesn't care if you enjoy the ride, so not enjoying the sports side of matched betting now means little to nothing. Gambling/matched betting call it what you want, its actively using and being consumed by the act for us complusive gamblers and that never has a positive effect on our lives nevermind the rest of the baggage that comes with it.
All the best.
You got me sjw. Man, I can't even see my own inconsistencies! I appreciate you taking the time to offer me support.
All I was looking for was a 2nd income. I had been doing other things over the last year of being gamble free, to top up my salary, but they were very slow and unpredictable. I like the predictability of matched betting, but it is also slow, so it's not like it ticks all the boxes. I guess if I wasn't a gambler, matched betting would be OK. Althouhgh I have found stories on GC where matched betting actually LED others to gambling problems. Or at least, it revealed their vulnerability to compulsive gambling.
I still haven't gambled today and I don't think I will. I don't know why I am not climbing the walls. I won't count my chickens yet though . But wouldn't it be nice if I just continued to wake up not being interested in gambling? Interestingly, I have also not done any matched betting today - out of sight out of mind perhaps.
In answer to your question, I want to stop gambling, but I want to keep matched betting. I see what you are saying though, I can call it what I like, but it will likely all lead to gambling for me because I have an addiction, year clean or otherwise. This makes me so angry at myself that I can't be stronger. I feel helpless, which is very uncomfortable. And ashamed. Part of me is ashamed because I am female, not many people expect gambling from females, so I already feel marginalised. Anyway, enough of the pity-party. I need to make a decision!
sjw wrote:
"Matched betting for me simply triggered all the previous emotions and magical thinking from when I was spinning my life away a year ago."
"I am reluctant to quit the matched betting though. I think I could stay safe as long as I stay away from casino bonuses"
Your words and your choice but we all know what happens when we leave that door open. Myself very much included in that, you wouldn't be here again if it worked out as you seem to again see it now.
No one can tell you what to do but you need to ask yourself what you really want to do from here. Do you want to stop? Because it sounds like the early stages of wanting to stop losing again.
What are you looking for from matched betting? My guess is its the same hole that gambling filled. I didn't enjoy sports betting for a long time before i quit. That didn't stop me doing it 5-7 days a week whenever i had access to funds. This addiction doesn't care if you enjoy the ride, so not enjoying the sports side of matched betting now means little to nothing. Gambling/matched betting call it what you want, its actively using and being consumed by the act for us complusive gamblers and that never has a positive effect on our lives nevermind the rest of the baggage that comes with it.
All the best.
Hello Lightsout, hope your happy and well.
Not seen you on the diaries for a while so thought I would send you my best wishes.
Respectfully yours....stephen
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