I seem to always come on here once I’ve relapsed and lost everything and I’m in dire need of knowing I’m not alone.
Last week I feel like I had the moment and realisation that I’ve been needing to have for a long long time now. The short of it is during the week last week I found myself playing the gambling terminals in the bookies quite a lot since they reopened after lockdown. I was spending money I couldn’t afford and found myself in a brand new lovely hole. I couldn’t accept that I was in said hole so I borrow some money from someone. With that money I turned it all around and dropped two jackpots on a terminal and walked out with all that cash I was over the moon. As the days went by after it though the thought of all that money rolled up in a money bag in my bedside table wouldn’t leave me. All I was thinking about was going back “just the £100, you’ll still be in profit just take it go on” ... lost that. “Just take £150 you’re due another drop, you’ll still be in profit go on..” lost that. I lost everything once again. Every single f*****g penny. What dawned on me and made me feel sick was the thought that I was so far down in the hole yet miraculously managed to get myself out and that STILL wasn’t good enough. I realised there and then last Saturday that it does not matter how much I win it will always go back in. All I will think about is that dopamine rush of actually dropping something massive and that the money was secondary to that feeling. Which is insanely dangerous.
Saturday evening after all of that last week I upped the exclusion with Gamstop to the 5 years (as up until last week I was convinced a year cool off was all I needed to be able to go back and “earn” big money) and I called up the multi operator self exclusion scheme on the Monday morning and excluded myself from every bookie close to my house and my work.
I have 7 days gamble free on my account on here now. As much as I always disliked editing that number whenever I had a blip, I did it because I wanted to feel accountable and having an accurate number of when I last gambled I found helpful. I feel like I’ve edited that number for the last time now which is absolutely amazing.
They say an addict will only ever quit when they decide its time to and they want to. I am right there now. And I wanted to share a positive as up till now my posts on here have been purely despair.
Good luck to you all and best wishes.
C
I agree about the 'never enough' with winning gambling.
I'm still early days yet, but I already realise some of my own home truths about motivations for gambling - I could never really win enough, even when I won big. I had to dive back in again all the time. That lead to losses of course, which meant even big win days often ended as frustrated days. Big loss days just added to that miserable feeling.
As a youth I'm pretty sure I actually enjoyed simpler winning much more, when there was so much less money involved. I do consider whether that could ever be true for me again, if I stopped using gambling to fantasise, and treated it like other recreational gamblers do. But, I don't know if I've changed too much for that to return in it's simplicity.
One thing for sure, I'm never going to view money the same again - let alone gambling. Money is a mythology in itself, whether it's gambling or other forms of grabbing and using it. Money is something of a sore that becomes a greater itch over time - in particular if there are debts involved. We problem gamblers think about money in the wrong way I would suggest, as one of our root problems. Least that is true for me I'm sure.
All the best with your new thinking (and mine)!
I understand you so well, all started when i bet £20 at roulette.. They made me win £2000 then i went back again to play and i lost them all, tried to chase them and lost more.. Then i won and again instead of getting the winning and walking away i stupidly bet again, i feel like this is a neverending story. I lost 4/5k so far in less than 4 months, i have now signed up with gamestop wich i hope this will finally free me from this monster. GAMBLING it's unhealthy, well done I'm sure you will be fine to get over this bad and awful addiction.
M
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