Sigh.
What can I say?
On Friday night, my partner was away with work, I was alone and drank a few hot toddies.
Drink. Being alone. Both known triggers for me, but I allowed myself to gamble. Not just one or two deposits. I managed £200 in £20 & £10 deposits over the night. Took out an overdraft to cover it too. More debt. Great.
I make myself sick at times like these.
I spent all day yesterday in bed thinking things over. All last week I'd been playing a free casino app. No options to gamble real money, but I had ,made a few in app purchases and felt crappy about that. Then something just snapped in my mind and I thought 'if I'm going to spend money, it might as well be on something I stand a chance of gaining something on' - and away I went.
I'm still amazed at how my mind believes everything is fine and it will be okay to gamble. I know full well the devastation the aftermath causes. I'm depressed at the moment, but this will subside.
I told my partner this morning, I can't bare to hide things from him. He's been very understanding and supportive (yet again!) he suggested it's a very bad idea to play any gambling simulation games, and he's right. I've deleted those now. I've self excluded from the site I used (again)
I'm so angry at myself for doing this again. That's three slips in two years when I've been adamant about kicking this habit. It's like my words and intentions mean nothing, because I can so easily slip and ruin it all.
I'm also angry with this site. I've permanently self excluded from there in the past, and a few months ago I contacted them to update my details to prevent myself opening any future accounts with my new address. But somehow, on Friday I was able to open an account. I didn't falsify any details or try to trick the system. I just slipped through the net all too easily.
I've emailed them to ask where player responsibly ends and their duty of care begins. I should not have been able to open an account with them after self excluding.
So, it's back to Day 1.
I'm angry, hurt, disappointed and feeling incredibly guilty about letting everyone down.
If I can't stop these slips I will have to look for more serious help. I've not tried GA for several years, maybe there's a local group which I'd fit into these days.
Thanks for reading xx
Hello Pinky333,
Reading your story, I felt that you are struggling on your own and trying to beat gambling addiction without any tools. Having decided to stop and recognising it as a problem is a very big step and it counts as half of your recovery. However, relying on your will power only is not enough. You would need structured support and a strategy plan to follow. You are not alone, there is a lot of help available. Our advisors would be happy to talk to you and give you advice that would help you through. We provide face to face counselling to help you understand what is behind your behaviour and gradually achieve a deeper change.
I would like to encourage you to get in touch with our services. Our lines are open from 8am until midnight, every day.
I wish you all the best.
Ana
Forum Admin
Hi Pinky. How are you doing? I'm quite new here and just coming to terms with things and getting the courage together tk ring the helpline and have an appointment for debt advice this coming Monday. I have read a lot of your posts and to be honest I could have written any one of them. I would like to offer a little support and understanding. Take good care of yourself and once I get my head around the site and figure how to start a diary I hope to say hi. Best wishes to you. Steffi.
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